This moment that is pictured made me so happy. Pictured is McKay applying the parenting skill "redirection" after the Family Home Evening lesson that I cooked up for the boys on Monday night. This lesson has been brewing around in my head for several months. You see, since my boys insist on helping to parent Holden (whether I like it or not), I felt like I needed to teach them some skills so that we were all on the same page in our efforts.I needed to explain to them that I had a collection of techniques that I have worked at using since I started parenting 17 years back, and that I would like their help to continue these practices with Holden, too. They are techniques used "on purpose" based on my mother's example, a study of child development books, (yes) psychiatric nursing courses, and just plain old good practices in interpersonal relations.
"This is how you were/are being raised and I would like Holden to have the same experience."
Number One: Resist Insisting on Exactness
Successful Trait Developed= deep thinking, confidence in ideas, willingness to share
Failure Produces= lack of confidence in his/her thinking, lack of communication
Children come with such a itty, bitty world, and from birth they are always busy in their minds building a frame of reference. As they learn line upon line, they assimilate all that information and then learn how to relate new things to the things that they know. Children need to be allowed to start where they are cognitively and then build from there. This is done by repeating what they say and then helping them see the relationship to something bigger-- in other words, approve of what they say and then try to teach "up". For example: a child says, "bird", I say, "Yes, bird. It's a hawk bird." Or the child says, "truck", I say, "Yes, that is a truck-- a dump truck." Or hey, one just happened right now, "This feels like sticky glue", and I replied, "Yes. It does feel sticky. It's called 'rubber cement' and it is a very sticky glue. Good boy." I imagine that if a child was constantly corrected, "No, it's not sticky glue, it is rubber cement", then they would lose confidence in their thinking and stop communicating ideas.
If the child makes a connection that you don't understand, resist immediate correction, instead try to figure out why the child thinks that there is a connection. Sometimes that minute of thinking, or asking more questions, reveals a real profundity of thought and idea. (This technique works well with random comments in Junior Primary, too.)
Examples (bad): When McKay was just a gooing, kicking baby, I found four year old Ryan and two year old Jaron inside his crib with him. They were showing him toys and teaching him words. Jaron said, "McKay, say 'fish'", and Ryan would reply, "No, McKay say 'stingray'". Jaron would say, 'McKay, say 'dinosaur'", and Ryan would correct, "No, McKay, say 'stegosaurus'." Ryan was insisting on exactness. Or, sometimes I hear conversations like this: Holden- "I want some lunch." Brother- "No, Holden, it is dinner."
Number Two: Redirection
Successful Trait Development= feeling empowered to act for self
Failure Produces= feeling frustration and powerlessness
It takes lots of time, creativity and energy, but usually kids can be distracted from something they are feeling passionate about, by redirecting them to another activity. It feels like working God's plan of 'urge and inspire', instead of the adversary's plan of 'make and force'. This gives a child the opportunity to choose and act instead of feeling like their liberties have been taken and that they are to be acted upon.
Example: Sunday the boys were playing a game of Monopoly and Holden was driving them crazy counting the money, flying his airplane game piece, wanting to play with others' pieces, moving around the board, and generally not following all the rules. They tried coercion with bad results. I asked him to help me make Peach Cobbler and he gladly bounced away to help me in the kitchen. Then, because the big kid game was still going, we got out Chutes and Ladders and we did a puzzle. Peace and happiness.
Number Three: Have an Instinct to Say "Yes"
Successful Trait Development: curiosity, smart, imaginative, learning experientially (my spell checker hates that word)
Failure Produces: stunted thinking, lack of imagination, a hesitation to think for one's self, sedate
I have such tremendous respect for my kids ability to choose and to direct themselves in interesting, growing ways. I know that I don't have all the answers for them and I know that they are a different thinking person than I am. This makes sense when we remember that they came to me after millennia of growth and development as a spirit child of God. I try very hard not to impose my own preferences on their wills. If they approach me with an idea (that isn't dangerous or immoral), and I want to say "no", I stop myself and think, "Is there a way that this could work out"? As I evaluate, I usually find that I am hesitant to their request because of my personal preferences, inconvenience to me, or it requires a personal sacrifice on my part. I don't feel like those reasons are usually good reasons and I find that most of the time I can say "yes" with some adaptation so that both of us are satisfied. When child hears "No, no, no", he stops thinking for himself and waits passively to be directed.
Example: Holden likes to make himself fried eggs and you can imagine that this is not always a clean project, nor is it usually conveniently timed. I groan in my mind when he produces a pan and the egg carton, but I stop myself and think, "Have I fed him in a while?", "Could he be legitimately hungry?", "Do I have the time to stop for a second to supervise?" When the answer is "yes", then I help him with him by handling the stove and standing by with a wet wash cloth to catch wandering yolk. He is happy and I am satisfied that he has grown.
Number Four: Positive Reinforcement
Successful Trait Developed= confidence, understanding of talents and positive traits
Failure Produces= low self-esteem
I have heard that every piece of negative feedback you give needs to be housed by two positive comments-- like the stuffing in an Oreo. This is easy to do when you are looking for the good that the child produces and never withhold praise. I hear myself saying these phrases, "You are so good at that", "I am so proud of you", "You have a lot of good ideas", "You do that so well", "That was great control", "Good job, recovering so fast", "That looks beautiful", "I appreciate that you..."
Number Five: Validation
Successful Trait Development= feeling understood, adjusted, trusts others with his/her feelings, willing to express him/herself
Failure Produces= frustration, feeling alone and misunderstood
When I was a nursing student we learned that while dealing with types of psych patients we needed to use validation. Example: 'I am scared of those little green men in the corner." The right response is to validate what is true (before correcting, if you must), so that the patient feels understood. Example: "You are feeling frighted?", without emphasizing what is untrue or irrational, then correction or teaching if necessary.
I think that kids need this same respect-- we all need to feel understood. "That must be so hard", "That made you so mad, didn't it", "I'm sorry that it feels overwhelming", "I can tell that you are frustrated", "How incredibly disappointing!" It is good practice to match the tone or intensity of the person that you are trying to validate. When the person feels understood, then you can see the fear, anger, sadness, frustration melt away in their eyes and body language. I have found that there is a softness and willingness to be taught after a child feels understood. They will often let you flip their thinking , and they recover so much more quickly.
Number Six: Love and Mercy
Successful Trait Development: Ability to love, be merciful with and serve others
It is important to remember that Christ's Atonement covers completely the mistakes and errors of children before the age of accountability. "...repentance and baptism unto those who are accountable and capable of committing sin..." (Moroni 8:10) "...little children are alive in Christ...For the power of redemption cometh on all them..." (Moroni 8:22) If the Savior of the world gave little children eight years of mercy and love where they could learn to understand right vs wrong and truth vs error, it is important that we extend the same kindness.
Showing love is done by affection, soft talk, motherease (that nurturing, high-pitched voice that we use with infants), the absence of harshness and anger, and in committed nurturing.
As I was teaching the kids these principles it became more and more clear to me that these principles apply to all of our interactions-- child to adult. I realized that I feel closest to people who validate my feelings and give me positive reinforcement or praise, and those who want to help me, listen to me and try to understand without immediate correction, and who with love redirect my unproductive thinking into productivity.
After our Monday night lesson, I posted these six parenting rules in the kitchen. With these new words in the kids' vocabulary, I have been trying to point out the technique that is appropriate to the situation, and, gratefully, the kids have been trying to implement them. I am hopeful that we are now on the same page.
