I have been pondering my parenting expectations. ha.
In doing so, I have decided that what I really want of my boys is "finished". Yep, I want my kids to live immaculately (squeaky clean, as if straight from a bubbly tub), and with laser precision (focused and exacting as a sharpshooter). And do it today, please. Doesn't that sound splendid?
Despite all the good that they do (just look at those six cute faces), I want more. I want perfect. You see, here's a taste-- I wish that they would thank me for the opportunity to say the family prayer and beg to teach Family Home Evening lessons. That they would jump up for Seminary at 5am with little hearts beating in anticipation of scripture study before school. That they always listened to my warnings and remember my very wise counsel. That they would would look forward to every single opportunity to enter in the Church building, and then would come home from each activity with big smiles on their faces. That they would open put their arms right around all of boys in their quorums, and develop talents and abilities to be servants and a unifiers. That they would love Scouting and want to be Eagles quickly, maybe by thirteen. That they would be jumping out of their socks over the new Duty to God program and work on it independently.
And with that laundry list of expectations, there is no doubt as to why sometimes I feel discouraged-- which, you know, can become an issue in one's job satisfaction.
One day recently I had the thought that I ought to take a peek into the way that Heavenly Father parents His children and figure out what His expectations are for us in our mortal journey. (Why this hadn't occured to me before makes me look rather silly, but it hadn't and I am bravely admitting it here.) So I put on my safari hat and went on an expedition....
Because we know some of what occurred in the courts of heaven, we know that we loved Heavenly Father's plan complete with agency and Atonement. In fact, it brought us so much happiness that we shouted for joy. (Job 38:7) And, with our own will and because of our testimonies of Christ (Rev 12:11), we flat out rejected Lucifer's opposing idea of coercion and compulsion.
Concerning the War in Heaven-- "The war broke out because one-third of the spirits refused to accept the appointment of Jesus Christ as the Savior. Such a refusal was a rebellion against the Father’s plan of redemption. It was evident that if given agency, some persons would fall short of complete salvation; Lucifer and his followers wanted salvation to come automatically to all who passed through mortality, without regard to individual preference, agency, or voluntary dedication. Isa. 14: 12-20, Luke 10: 18, Rev. 12: 4-13, Moses 4: 1-4)." (Bible Dictionary, "War in Heaven")
So, what is wrong with this premortal rejoicer? Now that I am here on earth working The Plan, I don't always feel like shouting for joy about agency. Why is it that sometimes I am fighting the instinct to act out Satan's plan? Doesn't it sound so nice to set a course for your kids and then coddle and coo and lead and direct and coerce and drag and pull and tackle and yank them right across the finish line? OK, maybe not so much.
This reminds me of President Kimball's candor, "The Lord is omnipotent, with all power to control our lives, save us pain, prevent all accidents, drive all planes and cars, feed us, protect us, save us from labor, effort, sickness, even from death, if he will. But he will not. We should be able to understand this, because we can realize how unwise it would be for us to shield our children from all effort, from disappointments, temptations, sorrows, and suffering. The basic gospel law is free agency and eternal development. To force us to be careful or righteous would be to nullify that fundamental law and make growth impossible.
And also this: "Being human, we would expel from our lives physical pain and mental anguish and assure ourselves of continual ease and comfort, but if we were to close the doors upon sorrow and distress, we might be excluding our greatest friends and benefactors." (Death: Tragedy or Destiny, Spencer W Kimball,)
Yes, I would do that for my kids-- control, save, prevent, drive, feed, shield. Yes, that is me. There, my friends, is another one of those staggeringly plentiful, like a gazillion, data points proving, yet again, that I am ever so very much human. But I think that President Kimball gets a little too personal when he calls me "unwise" and "the one who nullifies".
Drat!
And that insight into myself puts me right back into my safari hat. I have just got to understand Heavenly Father's parenting ASAP. It is so important that I figure out the art of "lead and guide while respecting agency and development" and dispose of "make and force".
So, here we go:
Heavenly Father expects that our development will be gradual--
"...line upon line and precept upon receipt..." (Isaiah 28:10)
"...grace for grace..." (D&C 93:12)
"...here a little, there a little..." (Isaiah 28:10)
"...Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and favor with God and man."(Luke 2:52)
Heavenly Father provided His children a Savior to make repentance possible because He knew that we would make mistakes and fall short--
In the great council in heaven, God, presented as part of The Plan, a Savior. In His omniscience, He knew that it would be impossible to navigate life without mistake. He knew that we needed a ransom and an advocate. Christ paid the price for our sins in the Garden of Gethsemane so through repentance we can be clean.
"…because of the Atonement, (we) could learn from (our) experience without being condemned by it.” ("The Atonement: All for All”, Elder Bruce C. Hafen, CR April 2004)
"...I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent...which suffered caused myself, even God, ...to tremble because of pain and to bleed at every pore, and suffer both body and spirit... nevertheless, glory be to the Father, I partook and finished my preparations unto the children of men." (D&C 19:16)
"...For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God." (Romans 3:23)
"...though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow..." (Isaiah 1:18)
Heavenly Father is a perfect judge and disciplinarian. He executes the very most mercy possible, and requires the very least justice possible--
“I feel that [the Savior] will give that punishment which is the very least that our transgression will justify. I believe that he will bring into his justice all of the infinite love and blessing and mercy and kindness and understanding which he has. And on the other hand, I believe that when it comes to making the rewards for our good conduct, he will give us the maximum that it is possible to give, having in mind the offense which we have committed.” (J Rueben Clark)
Heavenly Father protects agency and "will never force the human mind"--
"...Satan rebelled against Me and sought to destroy the agency of man for which, I the Lord, had given him....(therefore) I caused that he should be cast down." (Moses 4:3)
"...I gave unto man their knowledge, and... I gave unto man their agency..." (Moses 7:32)
"...men are free according to the flesh...they are free to choose..." (2 Nephi 2:27)
"...you are free, you are permitted to act for yourself..." (Helaman 14:30)
"...you are made free..." (D&C 88:86)
Heavenly Father values opposition in all things--
"...For it must needs be that there is an opposition in all things." (2 Nephi 10:11)
"...man could not act for himself save it should be that he was enticed by one or the other." (2 Nephi 2:16)
(Heavenly Father talking about Adam) "...the man has become as one of us to know good from evil..." (Moses 4:28)
Heavenly Father gives His children opportunities to prove themselves--
"...I will prove you in all things, whether you will abide in my covenant" (D&C 98:14)
"...we will prove them herewith to see if they will do all things which we commanded them." (Abraham 3:25)
"...this life became a probationary state, a time to prepare to meet God..." (Alma 12:24)
Heavenly Father keeps our potential in mind--
"...Remember, the worth of souls is great in the sight of God." (D&C 18:10)
"...Ye are gods, and children of the most high." (Psalms 82:6)
"...I will make a man more precious than fine gold." (Isaiah 13:12)
"...What is man? ...Thou hast made him a little lower than the angels." (Psalms 8:4-5)
"...The Spirit itself beareth witness (that) we are the children of God."(Romans 8:16)
"...among these (intelligences/spirits) were many of the great and noble ones..." (Abraham 3:22)
Heavenly Father loves His children--
"...I am encircled eternally in the arms of His love..." (1 Nephi 1:15)
"...God so loved the world that He gave His Only Begotten Son..." (John 3:16)
"...The God of Heaven looked down upon the residue of the people, and He wept (beacuse of their iniquity)." (Moses 7:28)
Heavenly Father knows that, through Christ, ALL experience can turn for our good--
"...all these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good..." (D&C 122:7)
"...All things work together for good, to them that love God." (Romans 8:28)
This moment that is pictured made me so happy. Pictured is McKay applying the parenting skill "redirection" after the Family Home Evening lesson that I cooked up for the boys on Monday night. This lesson has been brewing around in my head for several months. You see, since my boys insist on helping to parent Holden (whether I like it or not), I felt like I needed to teach them some skills so that we were all on the same page in our efforts.
I needed to explain to them that I had a collection of techniques that I have worked at using since I started parenting 17 years back, and that I would like their help to continue these practices with Holden, too. They are techniques used "on purpose" based on my mother's example, a study of child development books, (yes) psychiatric nursing courses, and just plain old good practices in interpersonal relations.
"This is how you were/are being raised and I would like Holden to have the same experience."
Number One: Resist Insisting on Exactness
Successful Trait Developed= deep thinking, confidence in ideas, willingness to share
Failure Produces= lack of confidence in his/her thinking, lack of communication
Children come with such a itty, bitty world, and from birth they are always busy in their minds building a frame of reference. As they learn line upon line, they assimilate all that information and then learn how to relate new things to the things that they know. Children need to be allowed to start where they are cognitively and then build from there. This is done by repeating what they say and then helping them see the relationship to something bigger-- in other words, approve of what they say and then try to teach "up". For example: a child says, "bird", I say, "Yes, bird. It's a hawk bird." Or the child says, "truck", I say, "Yes, that is a truck-- a dump truck." Or hey, one just happened right now, "This feels like sticky glue", and I replied, "Yes. It does feel sticky. It's called 'rubber cement' and it is a very sticky glue. Good boy." I imagine that if a child was constantly corrected, "No, it's not sticky glue, it is rubber cement", then they would lose confidence in their thinking and stop communicating ideas.
If the child makes a connection that you don't understand, resist immediate correction, instead try to figure out why the child thinks that there is a connection. Sometimes that minute of thinking, or asking more questions, reveals a real profundity of thought and idea. (This technique works well with random comments in Junior Primary, too.)
Examples (bad): When McKay was just a gooing, kicking baby, I found four year old Ryan and two year old Jaron inside his crib with him. They were showing him toys and teaching him words. Jaron said, "McKay, say 'fish'", and Ryan would reply, "No, McKay say 'stingray'". Jaron would say, 'McKay, say 'dinosaur'", and Ryan would correct, "No, McKay, say 'stegosaurus'." Ryan was insisting on exactness. Or, sometimes I hear conversations like this: Holden- "I want some lunch." Brother- "No, Holden, it is dinner."
Number Two: Redirection
Successful Trait Development= feeling empowered to act for self
Failure Produces= feeling frustration and powerlessness
It takes lots of time, creativity and energy, but usually kids can be distracted from something they are feeling passionate about, by redirecting them to another activity. It feels like working God's plan of 'urge and inspire', instead of the adversary's plan of 'make and force'. This gives a child the opportunity to choose and act instead of feeling like their liberties have been taken and that they are to be acted upon.
Example: Sunday the boys were playing a game of Monopoly and Holden was driving them crazy counting the money, flying his airplane game piece, wanting to play with others' pieces, moving around the board, and generally not following all the rules. They tried coercion with bad results. I asked him to help me make Peach Cobbler and he gladly bounced away to help me in the kitchen. Then, because the big kid game was still going, we got out Chutes and Ladders and we did a puzzle. Peace and happiness.
Number Three: Have an Instinct to Say "Yes"
Successful Trait Development: curiosity, smart, imaginative, learning experientially (my spell checker hates that word)
Failure Produces: stunted thinking, lack of imagination, a hesitation to think for one's self, sedate
I have such tremendous respect for my kids ability to choose and to direct themselves in interesting, growing ways. I know that I don't have all the answers for them and I know that they are a different thinking person than I am. This makes sense when we remember that they came to me after millennia of growth and development as a spirit child of God. I try very hard not to impose my own preferences on their wills. If they approach me with an idea (that isn't dangerous or immoral), and I want to say "no", I stop myself and think, "Is there a way that this could work out"? As I evaluate, I usually find that I am hesitant to their request because of my personal preferences, inconvenience to me, or it requires a personal sacrifice on my part. I don't feel like those reasons are usually good reasons and I find that most of the time I can say "yes" with some adaptation so that both of us are satisfied. When child hears "No, no, no", he stops thinking for himself and waits passively to be directed.
Example: Holden likes to make himself fried eggs and you can imagine that this is not always a clean project, nor is it usually conveniently timed. I groan in my mind when he produces a pan and the egg carton, but I stop myself and think, "Have I fed him in a while?", "Could he be legitimately hungry?", "Do I have the time to stop for a second to supervise?" When the answer is "yes", then I help him with him by handling the stove and standing by with a wet wash cloth to catch wandering yolk. He is happy and I am satisfied that he has grown.
Number Four: Positive Reinforcement
Successful Trait Developed= confidence, understanding of talents and positive traits
Failure Produces= low self-esteem
I have heard that every piece of negative feedback you give needs to be housed by two positive comments-- like the stuffing in an Oreo. This is easy to do when you are looking for the good that the child produces and never withhold praise. I hear myself saying these phrases, "You are so good at that", "I am so proud of you", "You have a lot of good ideas", "You do that so well", "That was great control", "Good job, recovering so fast", "That looks beautiful", "I appreciate that you..."
Number Five: Validation
Successful Trait Development= feeling understood, adjusted, trusts others with his/her feelings, willing to express him/herself
Failure Produces= frustration, feeling alone and misunderstood
When I was a nursing student we learned that while dealing with types of psych patients we needed to use validation. Example: 'I am scared of those little green men in the corner." The right response is to validate what is true (before correcting, if you must), so that the patient feels understood. Example: "You are feeling frighted?", without emphasizing what is untrue or irrational, then correction or teaching if necessary.
I think that kids need this same respect-- we all need to feel understood. "That must be so hard", "That made you so mad, didn't it", "I'm sorry that it feels overwhelming", "I can tell that you are frustrated", "How incredibly disappointing!" It is good practice to match the tone or intensity of the person that you are trying to validate. When the person feels understood, then you can see the fear, anger, sadness, frustration melt away in their eyes and body language. I have found that there is a softness and willingness to be taught after a child feels understood. They will often let you flip their thinking , and they recover so much more quickly.
Number Six: Love and Mercy
Successful Trait Development: Ability to love, be merciful with and serve others
It is important to remember that Christ's Atonement covers completely the mistakes and errors of children before the age of accountability. "...repentance and baptism unto those who are accountable and capable of committing sin..." (Moroni 8:10) "...little children are alive in Christ...For the power of redemption cometh on all them..." (Moroni 8:22) If the Savior of the world gave little children eight years of mercy and love where they could learn to understand right vs wrong and truth vs error, it is important that we extend the same kindness.
Showing love is done by affection, soft talk, motherease (that nurturing, high-pitched voice that we use with infants), the absence of harshness and anger, and in committed nurturing.
As I was teaching the kids these principles it became more and more clear to me that these principles apply to all of our interactions-- child to adult. I realized that I feel closest to people who validate my feelings and give me positive reinforcement or praise, and those who want to help me, listen to me and try to understand without immediate correction, and who with love redirect my unproductive thinking into productivity.
After our Monday night lesson, I posted these six parenting rules in the kitchen. With these new words in the kids' vocabulary, I have been trying to point out the technique that is appropriate to the situation, and, gratefully, the kids have been trying to implement them. I am hopeful that we are now on the same page.
My poor boys. I gave them another installment of The Mother's frog-in-the-throat Lecture Series this weekend.
This one was provoked by the fact that Facebook is not always a good thing for me. I saw a status update recently that hurled me into reflection. (While it was this one that "hurled" me, I have seen plenty with the same poisonous tone.) It makes me so sad and heavy laden when teenagers bash their parents so angrily and publicly. Why so sad? Because I know those parents, and I know that they are great ones. Also, on some level, those mothers are me, and it breaks my heart vicariously.
In my mind, I am creating a speech that I will shout from some mountaintop. OK, maybe just a youth fireside. OK, that won't happen either. So, I will just toss it out here into blogging deep space nine-- This speech is my attempt to give kids the off-the-record lowdown on parents.
I imagine wearing a trench coat and dark glasses, and carrying a brief case. Inside of that case would be, shhhhhh, "The Secrets of Your Parents' Minds". da-da-da. Then comes the big "reveal" and I would present, in hushed tones, these four earth-shattering revelations. Feel free to gasp and cover your mouth with shock that the confidential "cat" is out of the bag.
Secret Number One- Parents WANT to give a teenager (eventually) ALL of the responsibility for their own lives.(gasp)
The myth and the truth-- "You may think that parents are the great restrainers, but they want to be your liberator."
The ultimate goal of a parent is to take a totally dependent infant and make that child into a competent adult. The way that that is done is that as the child proves mature and capable, parents start giving responsibility for self back to that child-- piece by piece and line upon line until the child becomes a complete steward of themselves. If a teen will prove trustworthy and qualified, a parent gladly relinquishes control to the developing child. A parent is constantly evaluating capability-- they withhold at defiance and rebellion, they release when a child demonstrates maturity.
Supportive Quote: "The art of parenting is the skill to gradually transfer responsibility for life from a parent to a child based on maturity and ability." ("The Art of Raising Teenagers-- and Other Miracles, John L Lund, Family Expo, April 3, 2000)
Secret Number Two: Parents don't like to have to discipline a teenager.(gasp)
The myth and the truth-- "You may think that a parent likes punishing and restricting, but the truth is that they would rather trust, cherish and share happy times with you."Parents want to be friends with their teenagers, but resistance or rebelling mandates that moms and dads roll back into a disciplinary role. Teens don't seem to understand that their bad behavior yields uncomfortable and unwanted consequences. The parents take the guff, but it is the child that earned the consequence. Discipline changes the relationship a bit and may feel like it creates a ruler parent and a subordinate child. But, taking back responsibility for a child's well-being is something that a good parent HAS to do when there is evidence that the child is not ready for independence in that area. That said, it brings a parent NO joy to withhold. Grounding, punishing and taking privileges is not something that brings parents happiness, it is something that makes them stew and makes them sad.
Supportive Quote: "Correcting misbehavior can be one of the most challenging parts of this responsibility. At times, children may chafe, complain, or resist the limits placed upon them. Parents can hold firm with the understanding that teaching values is a lengthy process and that reasonable standards and expectations ultimately help children and teens feel secure and become more successful." ("Love, Limits and Latitude", Craig H. Hart, Lloyd D. Newell, and Julie H. Haupt, Ensign August 2008)
Secret Number Three: Parents already know that they are not perfect.(gasp)
The myth and the truth-- "You may believe that parents think they know it all and love the power they have over you, but the truth is that parents feel stretched and humble in their calling."
There is nothing in this world that feels more important to a parent than raising a child, and because of the gravity of the call, parents feel very humble. Helping a teen grow and develop is top of mind all the time. Parents pray and plead for guidance. They apologize and agonize. They fret and stew. They ask for help from heaven, remembering that this teen is a beloved child of Heavenly Parents and a little child on loan. They have days of feeling insufficient and stretched and they want, more than anything else, to be the kind of parent that the teen needs and that God expects. And while it may be true that a parent has never been a parent before, they have successfully navigated being a teenager. They may know more of your situation than the teen gives them credit for knowing.
Supportive Quote: "Be patient with your parents. They love you so deeply. They are emotionally involved with you, and they may become too vigorous as they set their guidelines for you to follow. But be patient. Remember, they are involved in a big do-it-yourself child-raising project, and this is their first time through. They have never raised a child just like you before. Give them the right to misunderstand and to make a mistake or two. They have accorded you that right. Recognize their authority. Be grateful for their discipline. Such discipline may set you on the path to greatness.” (Improvement Era, Boyd K Packer, June 1965, p. 518)
Secret Number Four: Parents want to ENJOY their teens.(gasp)The myth and the truth-- "You think that your parents want to make you miserable, but the truth is that they want you to be happy."
There is nothing more precious to a mother or father than their own children. Fathers use their energies providing and protecting, and mothers consecrate their energies to nurture and development. Their lives revolve around the family that they have created. They love bigger and more fully than a teen will ever understand until he or she is a mother or father themselves. Parents live selflessly and their lives are deep in the busy of things that benefit of the family. Sometimes teens think that they are entitled to the gifts that parents give freely. That is mistaken. The truth is that teens are daily recipients of love, compassion and selflessness from parents. And if the teen looks with understanding eyes, he/she will see that a parent's love is a reflection of God's love.
Supportive Quotes: "As your father, he is entitled to inspiration on your behalf. His advice to you will be the heartfelt expressions of someone who knows and loves you. Your dad wants more than anything for you to be happy and successful, so why would you not want to trust someone like that? Boys, trust your dad." (Father and Sons, Elder Ballard, GC Oct 2009)
"Young women, your mothers adore you. They see in you the promise of future generations. Everything you accomplish, every challenge you overcome brings them pure joy. And likewise your worries and heartaches are their worries and heartaches...No other person on earth loves you in the same way or is willing to sacrifice as much to encourage you and help you find happiness—in this life and forever. Love your mother, my young sisters. Respect her. Listen to her. Trust her. She has your best interests at heart. She cares about your eternal safety and happiness. So be kind to her." (Mothers and Daughters, Elder Ballard, GC May 2010)
And when this all had been said, I would close my briefcase declaring, "Now you know it all!" And then, I would plead with them to use this new knowledge to help them honor to their parents. I would promise them that when they try, they will immediately feel their parents' hands and hearts right there close. I would finish by bearing my testimony of God's Plan that is centered in families. I would tell them that He is a partner to them in their journey, and to their parents' great work, too. And that the end all is the safe return of all of us, through the Atonement of Christ, back into His presence.
Holden and I have a favorite picture book. It is called, "Gingerbread Baby" by Jan Brett. It follows the traditional story as the gingerbread baby jumps out of the oven with a mind of his own, and runs cleverly away from all who would chase. But here is where it diverts-- While the townsfolk and animals run to catch the gingerbread baby, the little boy who made the cookie stays calmly home. In the sidebars of the chasing pages, the boy is baking, constructing and decorating a beautiful gingerbread house. He has a knowing look on his face as he places the house in the middle of the woods. And just like the little boy predicted, the hunted gingerbread baby runs right into the home to stay-- safe, protected, and so, so happy.
This little boy knew that home has extraordinary draw and pull. He knew that even when gingerbread babies may run, a home lures them in. Home is where they know they will be loved. Home is where their needs are cared for. Home is safe from the storm. Home is a place of acceptance and kindness. Home is where they are nurtured. And who has created this place of refuge? Who is the nurturer? Mother.
I read a sweet story the other day that was attributed to Mother Teresa:
"Mother Teresa (told) the story of a boy whom the sister found on the streets of Calcutta. He was living with his mother in a box. The sister took the boy back to the orphanage, bathed him , fed him, and gave him a clean bed to sleep in. The next day he disappeared. They found him in the box with his mother. Once again they took him back to the orphanage and once again he ran away. Mother Teresa said she learned a very important lesson that day-- a mother, even a mother in a box, was of the (most importance to a child)." (As quoted by Colleen Downs in "It Takes a Mother ti Raise a Village", page 5, Lightwave Publications 2001)
These stories touch me. They remind that all of those desires and feelings tucked deep in a woman's soul, and all of the day to day doing that mothers engage in, produce for children something intangible, but marvelous-- a home. Mothers with big, bulging hearts and righteous desires, even mothers in a box, create a home where a family wants to be-- a place of love, compassion and protection.
Last week in Oklahoma City, our family stopped to play at Kite Park in the exclusive Nickel Hills. The homes that surrounded the park were gorgeous-- old wealth, like the area that surrounds SMU in Dallas. We had the park to ourselves. After just a short time, an early afternoon fog came over me. Greg was playing hard, relieving me of mandatory parenting, so I took Holden's "soft blanket", found a park bench, turned my face to a nice sunbeam, and took a nap.
I woke up to bustle.
After I had shaken the sleep out of my bones and stretched the crick from my neck, I surveyed the landscape. A Shirley Temple-ish Darling was bouncing around in her pink sundress and sparkly, silver flip-flops. Her grandmother, who could have walked right out of a charity dinner or off of the social page of the newspaper, shadowed "Shirley's" footsteps. Then I noticed that minivans were arriving filled with sporty mothers and their national-average 1.2 parochial children in blue pleated skirts and pure white tops and tights. They were so incredibly cute, and reminded me of the orderly march of Madeline and her French school-mates. The sandbox was hosting several beautiful, polished ladies and their clean-faced, toe-headed boys in overalls. These moms were energy, embodied and jogged after their pre-schoolers to play along side.
All of a sudden I felt disheveled. I worked at agitating the serious case of hair lift that I had from sleeping on a Socker Bopper. I folded up my four year old's woobie that had been covering me and emerged into this upscale world trying not to look too shabby and homeless. These were impressive, confident ladies. Eventually, I had a nice conversation with a part-time lawyer and mother of almost two. As she played in the sand, I pushed Holden and Trenton on the swings:
"So how many kids do you have?"
With a no-big-deal shrug of my shoulders."Just six." Nonchalant, I thought.
"Are you serious? No way. Six?" And as soon as she had picked herself off the ground, "How many of them are boys?"
"All of them."
Slowly, with each word emphasized, "How do you do that?"
Trying to forget that I was not wearing swanky exercise clothes, and trying to pretend we had everything in common, I smiled and explained, "Just like you are doing it. One at a time."
Then, prophets and experts words, who are smarter and more inspired then me, starting falling out of my mouth as if they were my own. "I think that as you persist, you are magnified and your capability really is increased. (Thank you, Elder Packer) Also, they do grow up. When they come to you all new and fresh as babies they rely on you for everything. But they grow and develop and can do more and more for themselves, and they become so helpful. (Then Dr Lund from BYU) I have learned (on BYU-TV, thank you) that the secret of parenting is to always be aware of a child's abilities and maturity. Then your job as a mother is to gradually transfer responsibility for their living back to them until they are fully independent."
She shook her head in agreement with a look in her eye that seemed to say, "I'm still thinking about what you just said." Soon, mothering called and she was gone.
And do you know what surprising thing happened next? I sat back on my bed, I mean, the park bench, and felt a bit discouraged. And Greg sat next to me and he listened as I unraveled my head. There I was talking big and confident, like I was some kind of parenting mentor, but at that moment I felt so itty, bitty, tiny small. Those women seemed to have it all-- They enjoyed grandparents close and involved with their childrens' daily care. They had education and careers. They had nice figures, and nice clothes, and nice haircuts. The kids were happy, and adjusted, and spic-and-span cute and stylish. The ladies seemed to have energy for play and focus on their one little one. They lived in this beautiful neighborhood and I imagined they had housekeepers making immaculate homes.
All of a sudden I felt like a mother in disrepair. In this moment of unproductive thinking, I wondered if I was really doing anyone any favors by my full-time commitment to family and home. I remembered the first day-care sponsored Halloween party that Ryan and Jaron attended where they had no idea how to stand in or on a line-- they were free-willy, carefree, and clueless to this kind of order. A little embarrassed, I wondered if my "mother's preschool" wasn't all that it needed to be. There on the park bench, I had this same kind of feeling and I asked outloud, "Life for these ladies seem so great, they seem to be making positive contributions in so many places. They are cute and peppy and have so much energy for their kids, and the kids seem to be just great, too. Here I sit, so tired and worn. Frumpy and threadbare. Shabby and out of shape."
Greg offered, "No one does it all, Val."
The talk was over, but I wasn't through thinking about it. And resolution did not come for two more days. But then------
I came home. Home to my castle.
The yard looked so lovely with Spring popping out. And I remembered that I had planned and planted all of those things that were now coming alive again-- Me. I had created this thing of beauty (to quote my mother). I felt so satisfied.
The inside of our home looked so beautiful to me, and it smelled good and was tidy. And I remembered that I had cleaned in order to leave it that way. All by myself. And I felt so productive and organized.
I walked around each room and was reminded of the wonderful way that Greg provides for our family. And I remembered that this charmed life that I have is more dreamy than I ever invented and envisioned as a moonstruck teen. And I felt so grateful.
Then I put on my shoes and excused myself and I walked down four houses for a talk with my friend. And I remembered how nice it is to have time to do so. And I had a little skip in my step and felt energized.
We talked long about mothering and parenting. And I remembered how wonderful it is to be deep into this very important occupation. And I felt satisfied that I was making a contribution. And I came home and liked the kids very much.
You know, it's really funny-- In my post "Brain Health" on February 27th, 2010, I packaged up all my passion and stood on my mountain about the satisfaction that I felt as a mother and full-time homemaker. Greg read it and said I sounded "defensive". I didn't feel defensive, I was just having a grateful day of feeling fulfilled in my choices. That said, it does seem ironic to me that after that diatribe, that really did come with sincerity from my heart, I would have these feelings on the opposite end of the spectrum-- polar opposites. That disconnect leads me to the conclusion that nature must love equilibrium and bringing things into balance. It seems to me that there is a pattern with me-- When I take a brave stand, counteracting thoughts or experiences follow quickly. I'm not sure whether this antagonism is to humble me, or if it is to make sure that I REALLY believe what I am standing for. Either way it doesn't really matter. Both occur-- humility (eek) and a careful rethink.
And rethink on this one I did. And what I found was a renewed appreciation for the busy, devoted, wonderful women who play in both worlds, AND I found thanksgiving, reward, fulfillment, and happiness in my own choices.
(I also learned not to nap in ritzy parks with your face to a sunbeam. Not only do you wake up feeling funny, you also get a sunburn.)
President Stout talked in the adult session of Stake Conference Saturday night about having faith like that of the Brother of Jared. As he retold this story from Ether 1-3, what I heard was a powerful "type" (or a story full of symbolic representation) of my experience as a parent and the exercise of faith in my efforts there. Stay with me....
The story tells of the Brother of Jared and his extended family who pleaded with the Lord to spare them of language confounding at the time of the Tower of Babel. In order to honor that request the Lord provided a way for the family to leave and go to a land of refuge-- a promised land. To do so they needed boats. God told them, "...Go to work and build..." barges. And even though these men were not shipbuilders, they "did go to work...according to the instructions of the Lord", and they built vessels to take them across the oceans.
During the process of building, the Brother of Jared became concerned about some details of the float trip and worried about perishing: "O Lord, in them there is no light...", "whither shall we steer", and "...for in them we cannot breathe..." And while God was willing to solve two of the problems, (promising that He would be their navigation system "...I will bring you...", and teaching them to make a little hole on the top and bottom that could be stopped up or unstopped for air) He left the Brother of Jared to figure out the light issue on his own.
The Brother of Jared went to the tall, tall mountain Shelem and worked very hard on a solution to the dilemma of light. He moltened sixteen small stones out of rock. Then, he worked them until they were "white and clear" like "transparent glass". After all of the hard work, he prayed: "Oh, Lord, that thou hast all power, and can do whatsoever thou wilt for the benefit of man; therefore touch these stones, O Lord, with thy finger, and prepare them that they may shine forth in darkness."
And in answer to that prayer of faith, "...behold, the Lord stretched forth His hand and touched the stones one by one with His finger." The stones were made bright with God's light.
So, while President Stout was telling the story of the Brother of Jared, I heard the story of me. Here I am with this seemingly awesome responsibility of parenting these six boys, but I am not a shipbulder. I mean, I have never been a parent before. It is all uncharted territory for me. And like the Brother of Jared, it seems to require all of my physical, emotional and spiritual energies. How do I know what to do to build this family into a barge that can cross perilous waters? The story tells me to follow the instructions of the Lord (through scripture and His prophets).
There are times (a lot) when I see the inadequacies of my work (where's the light, the navigation system and the air?) Sometimes the Lord provides me wonderful answers and revelation, but most of the time I have to hike to Mount Shelem and get to work. Hard work. And creativity and resolve and consecration of the best of what I have. All of this work is the action part of faith. We need to be doers (James), planters (Alma 32), harvesters (D&C 4), and laborers (Jacob 5). But we also must remember that after all that we can do, it is by grace that we are saved. (2 Nephi 25:23)
It is our duty to present to God our best efforts, no matter how feeble they may seem, and then believe that He can touch them with His finger and make our sweat and toil shiny and bright and sea-worthy and sacred and enough. We must work and consecrate our time and energy to the development of our children and then symbolically present them to the Savior and pray, "I have done everything in my capacity, now please touch them and make them light." Faith is our personal action and obedience coupled with trust in the omniscience and omnipotence and perfect love of the Savior of the world. He can make shiny stones from our gathered rock.
We might ask why the Lord required that the Brother of Jared work so hard at the milling and purifying of those stones in advance of Christ's touch? An amazing answer was given in that Stake Conference meeting, "God wanted the Brother of Jared to participate in the miracle." Why must we work and labor? So that we feel part of the amazing results of God's great power and generosity. He can make our widow's mite bountiful.
I am going to see the work part of my mothering differently now-- it is a consecrated offering of faith in action so that I can approach the Lord with confidence that I have done all that I can do.
I am going to pray differently now-- "Please touch my efforts with Thy mercy and grace and power, and make them into bright light. Please finish my striving and industry, and work a heavenly miracle."
(Painting by Arnold Friberg)
When I jumped into bed last Wednesday night, I worked at a list to fill my Thursday full of productive things. In the midst of scribbling cleaning projects and family history plans, I had a idea jump into my mind that felt all warm and right, "Tomorrow belongs to the boys."
That idea kind of caught me off guard, and as I thought of how that might be executed, I got all nostalgic for times past. I recalled a time when the kids were younger (and there were less of them) that I had a goal for myself and each child, each day: Read a book, have a talk and play a game. Sometimes I would plunk them up on the counter top and clip their fingernails so that I was looking them straight into the eyes and that proximity assured a conversation. We read a lot of fiction chapter books or biographies of famous people at night as they drifted to sleep. While babies napped, the bigger ones and I would lay on our tummies and do puzzles on the floor. These memories made me so grateful for the kids and the wonderful things we've shared. The memories also made me happy to think about what the next day could bring with my focus on having nice quality experiences with each child.
As fortune played, Trenton had a little fever and sore throat so stayed home from school. We needed milk, so He, Holden and I did a Walmart run. I loved having these little companions on my shopping trip and on this one I tried to listen intently to all that they had to say. We slowed down and visited the toy section and Pokemon card aisle.When we got home, I wrapped Trenton in a blanket and swaddled him like a little baby. He is still so affectionate and cozy and let me hold him and talk to him that way for a long time.
Trenton-- check.
That afternoon while the sun was shining, Holden and I went on a walk at three year old speed. He had so many cute observations and cute things to say. We saw a dog. "We don't have any dogs or sisters." We learned about buds and springtime. "That sidewalk is all broken." We stopped and were quiet so that we could hear the birds. We saw a curb drainage hole. "That's where cats live. I knowed that Uncle Rico (Johnston's cat) go'ed inside there last day." We visited the Conover's swings.
Holden-- check.
Ryan missed his ride home from school and called for me to come to high school and pick him up. On the way home in rush hour he talked all about the book he just finished to meet a nonfiction requirement in English. He read, "Under the Banner of Heaven" about the Lafferty Brothers and the FLDS way of thinking. (ugh. This would not have been my choice for him in non-fiction) He mused on why, as an agnostic/atheist, Krakauer wasn't a credible source for a study of religion. Then he expounded his conclusions from the book. "This is the most telling thing, Mom. Here. I underlined it." Then he read about the faithful, gentle, loving, providing, capable, LDS husband who, when he embraced the FLDS ways, became an abusive, lazy, harsh, murderous man. And Ryan glanced at me with a conclusive look in his eyes as if to say, "That man's change of behavior is the proof." He learned something big. And he shared it with me.
Ryan-- check.
I imposed on Jaron as he worked on his new acoustic guitar in his bedroom. I laid on Ryan's bed and listened to his chording of "Daisy" by Switchfoot. It was really, really good. Then he played me the song from his iPod, and I was impressed at his sound. Then he played his guitar with Switchfoot on his iPod and I was VERY impressed. Slides, and hand changes, and plucking all the strings, and then just a few strings. Amazing. And he is picking this up all by himself by reading guitar music. He showed me an iTouch application that tunes the guitar strings into any key and lets you pluck chords by touching the screen. So cool. I spent a happy half hour asking questions and listening to him talk about this new passion, and it was very rewarding.
Jaron-- check.
Then I went in search of Jamison and found him playing basketball with McKay in the backyard. Great. Two birds with one stone. I picked up a ball and we played P-I-G several times. That Jamison is quite a shot and required McKay and I to shoot hoops from on the top the rock wall, from the deck and from beyond three point range. Truth be told, he crushed us, but it was sure fun. McKay was such a card. Every time he chose the shot it was ten feet out, "With one hand", or "with two divided by two hands", or "with three minus two hands". Always the same. He and I had a Globetrotter passing ritual before my shots and we smiled and laughed a lot. I taught them the granny-shot. It was so nice to stop and play.
Jamison-- check. McKay-- check.
To have this mission made it such a fun, satisfying day. The experience made me stop and wonder why I had to be reminded to focus like this? Shouldn't it be instinctual, or happen more naturally, for individual interactions with the kids to be the day's real target? Nevertheless, the lesson was learned again-- it is really so important that I work at quality one on one interactions with the kids on a daily basis.
I listened to a John L. Lund Family Expo address on BYU-TV this week. ("The Art of Raising Teenagers-- and Other Miracles, John L Lund, Family Expo, April 3, 2000) Since that time I have had several opportunities to think about and apply Dr Lund's definition of parenting:
"The art of parenting is the skill to gradually transfer responsibility for life from a parent to a child based on maturity and ability."
A little baby comes so helpless and has a total dependence on a parent for life, but as they grow and develop they can do so much for themselves. A parent's goal is to constantly be evaluating the child's maturity and ability, then line upon line turn responsibility to them for their needs. The eventual goal is to produce a young adult with all of the skills that he needs to sustain himself independently. To me, it sounds like a good parent would gradually work herself right out of a job.
It sounds simple, but Dr Lund reminded listeners that each child develops very differently. "I had eight children who required eight different parenting plans." I agree with this. What one struggles with, comes naturally for another. Talents here, are weaknesses there. To achieve the desired end-result a parent must be tenacious-- constantly evaluating and adjusting the teaching plan.
A couple of times this week I have thought, "Hmmmm. This kid wants responsibility that is beyond his ability and maturity." And I have also caught myself thinking, "Yes, I do believe he is ready to take charge of that for himself now." Dr Lund's definition of successful parenting has already been a really helpful tool for me.
One more thing that seemed clever was a slide comparing and contrasting parental values to the values of a teenager. I was surprised to see that they run in direct opposition to each other. I guess that this leaves no mystery as to why parents and teens are at odds sometimes. Dr Lund said:
Teens value Freedom, Friends, Fun, Privacy, and The Present.
Parents value Responsibility, Family, Safety, Open Communication, and The Future.
I have been pondering my parenting expectations. ha.
