The Price We Paid

First you must know this about me-- I cried tonight when I read Holden an Easy Reader book about the Titanic. Others' suffering makes me so sad.

That said, I just finished this great, big, history book about the Willie and Martin Handcart Companies written by Andrew Olsen. I am still letting this all sink in. The subject is so heavy and the lessons were not immediately comfortable and clear to me. But, as I let the story percolate it brought great insight to me into suffering and God and patience and loss and and and.....

The Willie and Martin handcart companies were independent groups with similar stories. They were both filled with European converts to the Church who were aided via the Perpetual Immigration Fund in traveling to meet the Saints in the Salt Lake Valley. These people were largely poor. They were escorted by missionaries who taught them the gospel in England and other lands-- namely Brother Willie and Brother Martin, among others. Immigration was coordinated via Franklin D Richards in Liverpool, John Taylor in New York and a crew of outfitters in Iowa City, Iowa. These converts loaded onto chartered ships in England, boarded trains in New York or Boston, and then placed themselves behind handcarts in Iowa City to make the 1500 mile trip to the Salt Lake Valley.

This pattern had worked well for immigrant converts. Namely for three companies before the Willie and Martin groups, and several companies after them, too. The problem for the companies written about in this book was that they left late in the summer (Willie left Iowa City on July 15th, and the Martin company a week later. The groups were about 100 miles apart through most of the journey.), they had insufficient food supply to sustain them the entirety of the trip, communication gaps sent much needed resupply wagons full of goods back to Salt Lake without finding the companies, and the weather was uncharacteristically wicked that Fall with subzero temperatures and out of control snow.

These people were starving and frozen. They buried dead every day. They were exhausted from tugging handcarts, many filled with their sick and dying. Their husbands and fathers were compromised from night watches for beasts and intruders, followed by full-day pulls. One day after the next, the very same. For three months they watched everyone become emaciated and malnourished. They were all slowly fading and dying.

Eventually the news of these companies' existence and departure from Florence, Nebraska in August (Utah didn't even know) arrived at Church headquarters in Salt Lake. Immediately Brigham Young sent experienced and willing men and supply wagons into the blizzards to rescue these Saints. In time, they found the Willie Company and then drove on into the elements to find the Martin Company. At being discovered, the trial was not over for these people. The handcart pioneers still needed to travel many miles through daunting regions like Rocky Ridge and the Sweetwater River in order to arrive in the Salt Lake Valley. Still more died. Most of the travelers suffered for years and years from the effects of the arduous, unforgiving journey to Zion.

This story was heart-wrenching to me. One reason was that the author kept the reader personally familiar with the individuals in the companies. As I followed those families for nearly 500 pages, they became so much more real to me. Real, and thus, their story so much more tragic and sad. I have a tendency to insert myself into nonfiction and belong to what I am reading-- losing children, dying husbands, discouraged mothers, being cold, feeling hungry,etc. This habit left me feeling melancholy as I imagined myself living out the experiences of these people.

But still, the story brought with it an inspiring tale of faith and perseverance. I was, again, touched by the testimony of Francis Webster who traveled with the Martin Company. In reminiscence of the journey decades later, Francis stated boldly, "We suffered beyond anything you can imagine and many died of exposure and starvation, but...every one of us came through with the absolute knowledge that God lives for we became acquainted with him in our extremities. I have pulled my hand cart when I was so weak and weary from illness and lack of food that I could hardly put one foot ahead of the other. I have looked ahead and seen a patch of sand or a hill slope and I have said I can go only that far and there I must give up for I cannot pull the load through it. I have gone on to that sand and when I reached it the cart began pushing me. I have looked back many times to see who was pushing my cart but my eyes saw no one. I knew then that the Angels of God were there. Was I sorry that I chose to come by hand cart? No. Neither then nor any minute of my life since. The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Hand Cart Company."

See? Totally inspiring.

I am going to bullet point the things that I gleaned from and am still thinking about after having read this book. But, a word of caution-- remember that not one of these things is true independent of the other learnings. Some may seem like paradoxes, but united, they are a symphony. They all work together and are only true, not parceled, but when they are considered in full.

* God does not always fix things.
* Sometimes it is about just enduring.
* No one is exempt from trial.
* Your confidence can not be in people, it must be in God.
* You must trust the prophet.
* While God can do miracles to bless people, He doesn't always do it in the way we ask.
* People can be overzealous and over optimistic.
* We must use our common sense in some situations.
* There are blessings in following our leaders.
* Eventually a rescue will come, but sometimes it is at the very edge of our capacity.
* Most relief comes via other people.
* Most relief comes in the sharing of the burden, not in making it disappear.
* Faith can persist in great trial.
* When you see clearly your personal weakness or inability to equal a task, it can strengthen your dependence on an omnipotent God.
* In the gravest of times, there are always blessings to count.
* Sometimes we don't see the fruits of our labors.
* Just striving, persisting and doing your best is blessed by God.
* Your physical health doesn't have to influence your spiritual health.
* We almost always learn the greatest lessons looking back on the events.
* You can feel more amicable to the trial and see the great value on the other side of it.
* Work must accompany prayer.
* Faith is moving forward, trusting what you can not see, but knowing God is at the helm of your life.
* Most often, we are strengthened to bear the trial instead of the trial being taken.
* In the midst of the trial it may seem that God has deserted you. This is NEVER the case.

Some of these above lessons bring wonderful comfort in trial, but some bring a pragmatic, hard-to bear look at suffering. I learned that I need to be comfortable with both. Thank you, Brother Olsen, for your scholarship. I learned so much. Not all of it comfortable, but every morsel true and helpful.

A note from Andrew Olsen:
Valerie, Thanks for writing and sending this. Your review is very kind, and you've outlined the lessons we can learn from the handcart experience in a very powerful way. I've already referred a couple of handcart friends to your blog because I think it's so well done. I'm glad the book and the experiences of these pioneers have been a blessing in your life. Thanks again for your thoughtfulness. Sincerely, Andrew

This Time it was the Windows

Each time I visit Nauvoo something new strikes me profoundly. This time I fell in love with those star windows that completely surround the upper level of the Nauvoo Temple. I bought myself a six inch, stained glass replica at the Mercantile and I am happy to have it hanging from my pot rack in the kitchen. They tell me that the inverted star was a symbol of Christ from the 3rd century AD and that the pioneers used it in their architecture so that all who came upon the temple would know that it was a house of worship built to Jesus Christ. I admired their beauty for days.

While the boys waited for Ziggie's pizza on Friday night, I walked across the street to the Allyn House. This is the souvenir shop where the above display of the temple windows rests. I did not realize it until that moment, but the owner of the shop is Charles Allen, who made ALL of the windows and the front doors for the rebuilt Nauvoo Temple. Because it was already "all about the windows" for me during this visit, I purchased his book, "The Window Maker", and read it completely over the next couple of days.

I was fascinated by the detail Brother Allen shared into what it took to make these windows with 19th Century techniques. It was so inspiring to read his journal entries that described "sash" and "jamb", white pine with low humidity, 2.35 miles long of 3/8" putty applied by hand, and true Dutch paint and it's unique properties. I also loved reading about the constant flow of revelation that Mr Allen described as he worked at solving problems and securing every detail and supply. The book was such a testament to the Lord's hand in our lives.

Also included in the text of the book, Brother Allen shared his feelings about the project. While filled with gratitude for the importance of what he had been asked to do, Brother Allen still struggled with feelings of inadequacy. He felt heavily dependent on prayer to show him what to do in a work that he sensed was bigger than he was. He knew that the commission to build the windows was from God, but still struggled with the day to day challenges of the job. He received answers to complicating factors and things that were befuddling in the night, at dawn, while driving, through other people. He worked long and hard, woke in the middle of the night worried, and needed frequent reassurance. 

Laying on my Nauvoo hotel room bed with a view of the magnificent Temple out the window, I wondered a little what Brother Allen was so worried about. For heaven's sake, his product was heart-stoppingly beautiful. The windows were stunning and perfect. He was perfect for the job. It was obvious to me that God had used Brother Allen's unique gifts to work a miracle.

Midway through the book, I realized that Charles Allen and his window-making mission was becoming a "type" to me. Yes, this window maker was starting to tell my story. On page 99, I wrote in the margins, "I am so moved by this obscure application to MY mission-- God-given. The night-wakes with insights, feeling the need for specific direction, the uneasiness, the need for reassurance, the feelings of inadequacy. I see in Charles Allen's miracle, mine. The miracle is the silent hand of the Lord."

While my mission is not window making, I am equally committed to mothering. I want to do a good job. I want to do it in a way that pleases the Lord. I want to build a beautiful temple. Like Brother Allen's story, it is sometimes hard to tell, in the middle of construction, what the product will be. I feel discouraged and unfit. It's hard to measure success or progress. I struggle for answers. I wonder if I am really building anything at all.

But sitting in my hotel room with that gorgeous edifice shining through the window, I understood some things. Despite the uncomfortable journey full of doubts and discouragement, Charles Allen's mission was completed in the beautiful Nauvoo Temple. I wished that Brother Allen had been able to see the profound loveliness of his mission while he was struggling so he didn't need to stress so much during construction.

And right then and there, I knew the partial answer why. Because there I was, some years later, staring at his finished product in awe. Knowing some of his struggle but, here I was looking at the product of his efforts and it was glorious. Maybe, just maybe, my temple would be lovely, too. That idea filled me with faith and hope.

And further, I can't even express how grateful I am for this inspired application. I am amazed and grateful by how the Lord speaks to us. Why did I feel so drawn to the windows this time in Nauvoo? Why would I have left the family to walk to the Allyn House? Why, when inside, would I have had the good fortune of meeting Brother Allen's wife? Why would I have found my way to the corner of the store where his books lay? Why would I have paid the exorbitant price for the book? How is it that Lord can take someone else's story and make it yours? The answer to all of these questions is because I needed this message. "You're at ground level and it is hard to see progress, but YOU are building a temple and it will be glorious."

I bought myself a six inch, stained glass replica of the star windows at the Mercantile and I am happy to have it hanging from my pot rack in the kitchen to remind me of this dear message.

(I sent this post to Brother Allen. Here was his response.) Dear Valerie, Thank you for sharing your feelings after purchasing and reading Window Maker after a visit to our store. I am always humbled and overwhelmed by what people get out of my experiences as written in Window Maker. I am glad the book was of help to you and hearing your testimony makes writing the book so worthwhile. Sincerely, Charles W. Allen)