Your Heart's Soft Spots

When I was teenager, I babysat regularly for a family in the neighborhood   I was surprised when one day the mother got tired and worn and so she took a sabbatical from mothering  (which is a nice way to say that she quit)  Heroics from the father, but still a sad situation.  At the time, I didn't know that a mother could do that.  My mom worked tirelessly.  She had a big job with eight kids and a couple of those had heavy health concerns.  She took to her bedroom in distress occasionally, but she always recovered to care for our large family with a lot of love and purpose. Heroics from my mother.

I was (very un-heroically) having a moment the other day--  telling a friend about some parenting woes.  She suggested that I allow my crew to understand life without me-- for just a few minutes. I  surprised myself with a reply. What spilled out of my mouth were words that I had never heard myself speak before, but I immediately believed them.  It felt good to declare my root intentions and motivations in this job.

I told her softly--  "I can't, because I answer to someone higher than my family.  I serve them with all my heart and soul for God, not for me,.  I don't escape or walk away because my call came from Heavenly Father.  I serve at His pleasure   My objective is His objective-- the salvation of these precious souls.  I serve to that end.  I do not parent for praise or thanks.  I am serving God and I want to please Him."

That realization came from somewhere deep inside me and I didn't even know that it was there.  But, like I said, I believed it immediately.

Eliza R Snow once said, "Women should be women and not babies that need petting and correction all the time. I know we like to be appreciated but if we do not get all the appreciation which we think is our due, what matters? We know the Lord has laid high responsibility upon us..."

So there you go.

I am in the midst of collecting meaningful Conference quotes from my marked up Ensigns and came upon a 2011 Paul V Johnson quote that mirrored a Neil Anderson quote from last Conference.  They were both exploring what kind of test or trails would most effectively test and try us.  I think that they both suggested that those things that dwell in the softest places in our heart are where we can be stretched the very best.

"These fiery trials are designed to make you stronger...They take root in our weaknesses, our vulnerabilities, our sensitivities, or in those things that matter most to us..." ("Trial of Your Faith", Neil Anderson, GC Oct 2012)

"At times it may seem that our trials are focused on areas of our lives and parts of our souls with which we seem least able to cope. Since personal growth is an intended outcome of these challenges, it should come as no surprise that the trials can be very personal—almost laser guided to our particular needs or weaknesses."  (Paul Johnson, GC May 2011 "More Than Conquerors")

Instead of reading "weaknesses", "vulnerabilities", "sensitivities" as  parts of us that are floppy and need strengthening, I read those words to mean, "the things most dear to us".  Even perceived strengths.  Things that we labor over and love. Those are soft places where we are most sensitive and vulnerable.  Trials in those areas will no doubt provide stretch and growth that is uncomfortable, but effective in turning our souls to Christ and His Atonement.

There is no doubt that my heart's "soft spot" is this family.  I have only rare aspirations outside of Greg and these boys.  No one has to thank me for laundry or meals because folded socks and homemade dinners are self-satisfying to me.  I love a tidy house.  It gives me a charge.  Everything is more fun if I have a boy in tow to talk to, learn from and teach. My heart is in this job.

I am pretty sure that my Mom felt the same way.  She said this in her personal history:

"...(While at BYU), I became disenchanted with (my business) major and made an appointment with a counselor for some advice. He told me if I wanted to get married and have children he would advise me to either have a nursing, home economics or child development (HDFR) major. A Human Development and Family Relations major took a lot of teasing, with people saying all you wanted to do was get married. Some of my Honors Program friends scoffed saying "anyone could be a mother," but I had found my niche and was delighted with what I was learning."

My mom was a mother through and through.  She canned and cooked meals with green salad.  Tried new recipes.  Budgeted.  She taught us to clean and made job charts.  She encouraged us with goals before Personal Progress existed in a program she made up called, "A Better Me".  Even as a cranky teen, I sat at the bar stools while she cleaned the kitchen and talked and talked.  She gathered us for movie nights.  She encouraged good grades and extra curricular activities. She loved our friends and boyfriends and was always so friendly and fun when they were around.  We worked in the yard, gardened and planted flowers.  She loved spring bulbs and roses.  She was home after school and waited up for us to come in at (or after) curfew.

I am sure that the softest spots in my mom's heart were home and family.  I am also sure that her excruciating trials of life were the congenital heart defect of Michael (who had open heart surgery at 10 days old and then battled illness and weakness until his death at 14 years old), Nathan (who was hit by a car at 2 1/2 years old while playing in front of our home and was left with a lifetime of unique challenges from an injured brain), and my Dad's young heart attack.  I shiver a little to remember my youthful folly and the grief I caused, especially with such serious things going on in the family.  ugh. She told me (with a smile) as an adult that there were times in my teens when she didn't know which way I would go, "but I knew which ever way it was, you would go with passion, and would probably take people with you." ugh again.

I think that I can confirm that both Elder Johnson and Elder Anderson pegged it with my mom's challenges.  They were "laser-guided" at the parts of her soul where she was "least able to cope."  But, she never quit. Nothing close.  She was a wonderful mother and I'm sure no one on earth understands the strength of her soul from having weathered these storms with faith.

Peace in Adversity?

I have been thinking up a pithy slogan to screen print on t-shirts-- "Trouble?  We all got it."  Just kidding.  I am not pasting it anywhere, but more and more I am learning that it's true.  I don't know why that is a revelation to me. I mean, we know that the purpose of this life to "prove" us (Abraham 3:25), and refine us (1 Nephi 20:10 ), and prepare us (Alma 5:28). That goal would be difficult to accomplish if we weren't regularly bumping up against our weaknesses or being required to stretch beyond tranquility.

I liked reading, "Leaving Adversity Behind", from the December 2012 Ensign.  I have always been a big fan of the words of Paul of Tarsus and two sets of scriptures that the author, Elder David Baxter, used really stood out to me.

First, 2 Corinthians 4:8-9: "We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;"

How is this possible? Troubled, perplexed, persecuted and cast down, but not distressed, in despair, forsaken or destroyed.  Wow.  What a guy.  It occurs to me that the answer to that question would make a life-long of mountain climbing a more do-able activity.  If you could experience all of the stretch that mortality requires without the despair, that would be terrific!  Now, I must say that I don't think that is exactly, completely the plan.  I mean, we gotta feel it, don't we?  Otherwise we'd just skate. We've gotta work it through and that requires some recognition of the discomfort and pain.  But, it seems like Paul and others are talking about an undercurrent of peace and hope that has sustaining power.  I picture tumult of all kinds happening on the surface, but a peaceful river of clear water flowing underneath the stormy crust of life's experiences.

I think, Elder Baxter kinda said this, too:  "No matter what, we can find strength and encouragement."  He didn't talk about crust and rivers, but he thinks that "horrible hurricanes and tempests of turmoil" can come to a person and that they can decide to be happy anyway.  Revolutionary! He taught that "While adversity may be slow to leave us, we can choose to leave it anytime."

Ok, now.  Because he said it, and because my heart burned when I read it, I knew it was true, but the "how" was not immediately clear to me.  And maybe, probably, I am still working that out.  But, I know that the answer is Christ.  For heavens sake, He is all-powerful, all-knowing, perfectly loving, completely engaged, and present in my life.  That knowledge should equip me with all sorts of courage to press forward, the ability to drop to my knees when weak, un-doubting trust in eternal covenants, and a knowledge that I am not working alone. That, my friends, is what I think is called "HOPE in Christ".  Because I know who He is, I can press forward (faith) with a measure of confidence (hope) that He is working things behind the scenes  (charity) that are veiled from me.  THAT is the undercurrent that I am talking about.

Elder Baxter admits that he has, and we will have, some Joseph-Smith-where-is-the-pavilion-that-covereth-thy-hiding-place?  moments. (D&C 121:1)  No, he didn't really say it that way, that was me, but he did said, "Heavenly help may not be obvious.  We may not immediately see or know that some other burdens that would have come our way, have been lifted-- diverted from our door."  So what is he saying?  He's saying that it could be worse!    He's saying that even when we can't see God's hand as obviously as we would like to while in the middle of our trial... (and sometimes I would like to see Him like the Brother of Jared did).... we can still feel SURE that He is working the situation for us with intensity and love.

Honestly, that brings me peace right there.  He's right.  It could be worse.  It could be ten trillion times worse and God may very well have kept it in check.  I mean, at the most manageable level that still will allow and accomplish our optimal growth and development.  I like that!  Seriously, I like knowing that.

Elder Baxter ends with Paul again in Philippians 4:11-13: "...I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."

So there you go.  The reality is that we are being divinely schooled, so in this life we will definitely know how to be abased, hungry and suffer.  But, Paul says that at the very same time, in some schizophrenic Atonement miracle, we can "abound" and feel full.  It doesn't matter what is swirling around us, contentment is possible.  I think that Paul's "content" is my figurative river of hope and peace that runs under the storm.

Now I know on paper and in post that this is true-- peace and adversity can co-exist.  Now, to go forth and apply.

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