Our Home teacher, Brother Chase, came last week and shared Elder Uchtdorf's February message. ("A Word for the Hesitant Missionary", Elder Uchtdorf, Feb 2012 Ensign) In the context of sharing the gospel, Elder Uchtdorf said this: "Sometimes we take too much credit or too much blame when it come to others accepting the gospel It's important to remember that the Lord doesn't expect us to do the converting. Conversion comes not through our works but through the heavenly ministration of the Holy Spirit. Sometimes all it takes is one single phrase of our testimony or about an experience to set in motion the softening of a heart or the opening of a door that can lead others to experience sublime truths through the promptings of the Spirit."
I was really grateful for this message. I can easily see the application to parenting in these ideas.
When I was a younger mother, I was willing to take credit for my kids' victories-- great grades, clean faces, insightful words. I was also willing to let their weakness and mistakes bring me down and discourage me as a mother. I am less able to take credit for either now.
A couple of years ago I sat on the beach and watched my six kids play in the sand and water. I was pondering the difference between raising little boys and bigger boys and wondering why they gradually deny your good advice and the opportunity to let you influence them as they grow. I was wondering how I could help the boys learn to act for themselves, as the then new Duty to God workbook told me to do. With all six of them in panoramic view, varied ages and each playing in the sand in very individual ways, I had an epiphany, "These boys have been acting for themselves since birth. I'm not sure I have EVER been able to coerce them into anything. I have never really been in charge here."
And then I remembered Ryan's arched back that refused the baby car seat. Then, big bodies that there was no way I could move from bed to Seminary. And McKay's barefoot feet in all places and weather conditions. I saw a 4 year old Jamison's pout-y little round face and feet that seemed buried in cement at requests he didn't like. I remembered in multiplicity trying to talk Jaron out of adventures and purchases and "missions" that he was feeling like pursuing with passion. And the, the round and round and round about spirited conversation that some were/are willing to engage in to convince me out of my direction and into their way.
Now I know that the kid has a missionary haircut because he acted for himself and let me trim it up. He goes to Church because he put on his clothes and got in the car. He does, or doesn't, do homework because he is, or isn't, worried or willing. He has a clean face after dinner because he allowed me to scrub it. He stays on the sidewalk with his little two-wheeler because he chose to obey my warnings. They play, or don't play, instruments and piano not because I bought them lessons and gave each the opportunity, but because they wanted, or didn't want, to embrace music and were willing, or not willing, to sit on the bench and pound out notes.
Maybe other parents are successful in mandating, militarizing, or coercing action out of children. (I would like to be able to.) Or maybe other children are more willing to comply and follow more readily. (I would like that, too.) But, mine came this way. They are individuals. They are dogmatic. They have been self-confident enough (and maybe lacking humility and submissiveness sometimes) to plow forward in good.... and in gray.
I have found that my job is to lead and guide, invite and entice, love and teach. Then, their job is to act for themselves. Like I said above, I am less able to take the credit or the blame these days.
That said, I am relentless in indoctrination. I will not leave this to chance. I will teach and serve and train all the minutes of all the days of this stewardship. I remember hearing a Conference talk (Darn. I can't source it. Sherrie Dew quoting someone else, maybe?) where the speaker said that she worried so much that she couldn't remember anything much of what she read in the scriptures. She had concluded that it was her job to put the words, ideas and doctrines into her brain, and that it was the Lord's job to pull them out when she needed them. This is wherein my parenting hopes lie. It is my job to put it all into their heads and then know that that at the very hour of their need, at the very moment of optimal influence, the Lord will remind them of His teachings.
I think that Elder Uchtdorf said just that in his quote above. Don't take too much credit. Don't take too much blame. It is the Spirit that converts-- even our children.
D&C 84:85 says that if you will "...treasure up in your minds continually the words of life, and it shall be given you in the very hour that portion that shall be meted unto every man." Treasure continually. That is my mission. Then I stand still and watch the arm of the Lord be revealed (D&C 123:17) That was certainly the case when Enos was hunting wild beasts, "...the words which I had often heard my father speak concerning eternal life, and the joy of the saints, sunk deep into my heart." And the rebellious Alma the Younger said, "...I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world. Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart". Yes. My hopes rest in these promises.
I read a story in the Deseret News the other day about a non-member, antagonistic kid, Mitch Smith, who came to the University of Utah to play basketball. He had lots of great interactions, including a faithful coach and a cute girl, who influenced Mitch to study the gospel and to conversion. Over time, he was baptized and now serves in the Church with great purpose. I liked a quote from the article: "Elder Holland said Smith’s story illustrates that Heavenly Father is the ultimate strategist because he puts people exactly where they need to be, when they need to be there, to accomplish his purposes."
The "ultimate strategist". I love it. And I can bear witness to it. There are times, ok, moments, ok, milliseconds, when I am willing to "be still" and watch. And when I do, I can see pieces of God's magnificent orchestration in the lives of my children.
