This one was provoked by the fact that Facebook is not always a good thing for me. I saw a status update recently that hurled me into reflection. (While it was this one that "hurled" me, I have seen plenty with the same poisonous tone.) It makes me so sad and heavy laden when teenagers bash their parents so angrily and publicly. Why so sad? Because I know those parents, and I know that they are great ones. Also, on some level, those mothers are me, and it breaks my heart vicariously.
In my mind, I am creating a speech that I will shout from some mountaintop. OK, maybe just a youth fireside. OK, that won't happen either. So, I will just toss it out here into blogging deep space nine-- This speech is my attempt to give kids the off-the-record lowdown on parents.
I imagine wearing a trench coat and dark glasses, and carrying a brief case. Inside of that case would be, shhhhhh, "The Secrets of Your Parents' Minds". da-da-da. Then comes the big "reveal" and I would present, in hushed tones, these four earth-shattering revelations. Feel free to gasp and cover your mouth with shock that the confidential "cat" is out of the bag.Secret Number One- Parents WANT to give a teenager (eventually) ALL of the responsibility for their own lives.(gasp)
The myth and the truth-- "You may think that parents are the great restrainers, but they want to be your liberator."
The ultimate goal of a parent is to take a totally dependent infant and make that child into a competent adult. The way that that is done is that as the child proves mature and capable, parents start giving responsibility for self back to that child-- piece by piece and line upon line until the child becomes a complete steward of themselves. If a teen will prove trustworthy and qualified, a parent gladly relinquishes control to the developing child. A parent is constantly evaluating capability-- they withhold at defiance and rebellion, they release when a child demonstrates maturity.
Supportive Quote: "The art of parenting is the skill to gradually transfer responsibility for life from a parent to a child based on maturity and ability." ("The Art of Raising Teenagers-- and Other Miracles, John L Lund, Family Expo, April 3, 2000)
Secret Number Two: Parents don't like to have to discipline a teenager.(gasp)
The myth and the truth-- "You may think that a parent likes punishing and restricting, but the truth is that they would rather trust, cherish and share happy times with you."Parents want to be friends with their teenagers, but resistance or rebelling mandates that moms and dads roll back into a disciplinary role. Teens don't seem to understand that their bad behavior yields uncomfortable and unwanted consequences. The parents take the guff, but it is the child that earned the consequence. Discipline changes the relationship a bit and may feel like it creates a ruler parent and a subordinate child. But, taking back responsibility for a child's well-being is something that a good parent HAS to do when there is evidence that the child is not ready for independence in that area. That said, it brings a parent NO joy to withhold. Grounding, punishing and taking privileges is not something that brings parents happiness, it is something that makes them stew and makes them sad.
Supportive Quote: "Correcting misbehavior can be one of the most challenging parts of this responsibility. At times, children may chafe, complain, or resist the limits placed upon them. Parents can hold firm with the understanding that teaching values is a lengthy process and that reasonable standards and expectations ultimately help children and teens feel secure and become more successful." ("Love, Limits and Latitude", Craig H. Hart, Lloyd D. Newell, and Julie H. Haupt, Ensign August 2008)
Secret Number Three: Parents already know that they are not perfect.(gasp)
The myth and the truth-- "You may believe that parents think they know it all and love the power they have over you, but the truth is that parents feel stretched and humble in their calling."
There is nothing in this world that feels more important to a parent than raising a child, and because of the gravity of the call, parents feel very humble. Helping a teen grow and develop is top of mind all the time. Parents pray and plead for guidance. They apologize and agonize. They fret and stew. They ask for help from heaven, remembering that this teen is a beloved child of Heavenly Parents and a little child on loan. They have days of feeling insufficient and stretched and they want, more than anything else, to be the kind of parent that the teen needs and that God expects. And while it may be true that a parent has never been a parent before, they have successfully navigated being a teenager. They may know more of your situation than the teen gives them credit for knowing.
Supportive Quote: "Be patient with your parents. They love you so deeply. They are emotionally involved with you, and they may become too vigorous as they set their guidelines for you to follow. But be patient. Remember, they are involved in a big do-it-yourself child-raising project, and this is their first time through. They have never raised a child just like you before. Give them the right to misunderstand and to make a mistake or two. They have accorded you that right. Recognize their authority. Be grateful for their discipline. Such discipline may set you on the path to greatness.” (Improvement Era, Boyd K Packer, June 1965, p. 518)
Secret Number Four: Parents want to ENJOY their teens.(gasp)The myth and the truth-- "You think that your parents want to make you miserable, but the truth is that they want you to be happy."
There is nothing more precious to a mother or father than their own children. Fathers use their energies providing and protecting, and mothers consecrate their energies to nurture and development. Their lives revolve around the family that they have created. They love bigger and more fully than a teen will ever understand until he or she is a mother or father themselves. Parents live selflessly and their lives are deep in the busy of things that benefit of the family. Sometimes teens think that they are entitled to the gifts that parents give freely. That is mistaken. The truth is that teens are daily recipients of love, compassion and selflessness from parents. And if the teen looks with understanding eyes, he/she will see that a parent's love is a reflection of God's love.
Supportive Quotes: "As your father, he is entitled to inspiration on your behalf. His advice to you will be the heartfelt expressions of someone who knows and loves you. Your dad wants more than anything for you to be happy and successful, so why would you not want to trust someone like that? Boys, trust your dad." (Father and Sons, Elder Ballard, GC Oct 2009)
"Young women, your mothers adore you. They see in you the promise of future generations. Everything you accomplish, every challenge you overcome brings them pure joy. And likewise your worries and heartaches are their worries and heartaches...No other person on earth loves you in the same way or is willing to sacrifice as much to encourage you and help you find happiness—in this life and forever. Love your mother, my young sisters. Respect her. Listen to her. Trust her. She has your best interests at heart. She cares about your eternal safety and happiness. So be kind to her." (Mothers and Daughters, Elder Ballard, GC May 2010)
And when this all had been said, I would close my briefcase declaring, "Now you know it all!" And then, I would plead with them to use this new knowledge to help them honor to their parents. I would promise them that when they try, they will immediately feel their parents' hands and hearts right there close. I would finish by bearing my testimony of God's Plan that is centered in families. I would tell them that He is a partner to them in their journey, and to their parents' great work, too. And that the end all is the safe return of all of us, through the Atonement of Christ, back into His presence.
