To Follow or To Oppose a Living Prophet

I’ve been sticking with the Doctrine and Covenants and pacing my study with Come Follow Me this summer so that I am ready for Seminary. That means that I have just most recently indulged in D&C 85-90. Thinking about the content of those sections has filled my mind with ideas about following or opposing a living prophet.

First a little historical background. 1832 was such a complicated time. The Church was split into two locations: Kirtland, Ohio and the Kansas City, Missouri area. Missouri was Zion, but Missouri was difficult. Those who had been called to go and figure it all out for the body of the Church (see sections 54-57, 61) met hostility, danger, financial woes, probably humidity and mosquitoes J, and a government that eventually gave locals permission to “exterminate” the early Saints. William Wines Phelps was there. He was important to the printing of the Book of Commandments and LDS Hymnal and was carrying a tremendous responsibility for the Church. Edward Partridge was there, too. He was serving as the Bishop in Missouri, with a tricky, heavy, complicated stewardship over the temporal needs of the Church, including the settling of Saints and the purchase of Zion’s land.

While things weren’t simple for the Church in Ohio either, the prophet, Joseph Smith, and others lived in a more humane Kirtland, while the group of Saints who were buying land and building the City of Zion were on the edge of the frontier. Hank Smith, BYU Religion Professor, described the disparity by saying that the Ohio Saints were living in a civilized 1832 and Missouri was stuck in 1621. The inequality, prophetic directives, the unfriendly neighbors, seems to have caused frustration at Joseph Smith. The Church men of Missouri wrote frustrated letters to Kirtland. It is said that Orson Hyde and Hyrum Smith said that the letters were, “Low, dark and (full of) blind insinuations.”

So, living in a time with complications, confusions, failed expectations, stretch and difficulty, and uncomfortable prophetic guidance, there was a negative reaction by some. It’s easy to feel sympathetic to a portion of these Saints’ reasons for being frustrated.

In July of 1832, Joseph Smith spoke about the Missouri Saints’ criticism of him in a letter that he sent to W.W. Phelps along with a copy of Section 88. He said, “They are raking up every fault and looking for motes in the eyes of those who were laboring with a tender and prayerful heart for their salvation.” So here you have some interesting insight into the heart of Joseph and other Church leaders. The critics had lost sight of the intent of the prophet, whose sole purpose was the good of the people and the Saints’ salvation. Joseph Smith’s objective was not to create misery. The Church leaders were prayerfully laboring with tenderness for God’s purposes.

The Lord talked to Brother Partridge in D&C 85 in the strong language of correction and reminded that he should follow direction. He made it clear that if Brother Partridge chose not to, God could raise someone “mighty and strong” to do the work in his stead. Verses 7-8 remind us today that if we leave, the caravan will move on.

In this set of verses, God also used an Old Testament reference to Uzzah to illustrate another principle. The story is found in 2 Samuel 6:1-7 and 1 Chronicles 13:9-12. As the Ark of the Covenant was being transported, the oxen pulling the cart stumbled. Uzzah knew that touching the Ark of the Covenant was forbidden, still he took hold of the Ark to steady it. He was struck dead. This might seem a little extreme if you focus on Uzzah’s good intent. He was simply noticing that things were unsteady and he thought that he would be able to bring the Ark back to equilibrium. But that is not the point of the story and the profundity is not lost on me. This is the Kingdom of God, and He can steady His own Ark!

Like Uzzah noticed, there might be times where things feel a little bumbly because God uses humans to drive the oxen and additionally, because we understand so little of the plan. But, God is able to keep His Church balanced, stable and fixed. Yet, there always seem to be well-intending Saints who think it needful to fix the Church, correct a prophet, to admonish leaders, or to shape its mission or message. In the story of Uzzah, in 1832 Church History, and forever, it was as if God was saying, again, “I have the welfare of my Kingdom well in hand. I can steady my own Ark.”

An important part of God steadying His Kingdom is that He speaks and reveals things to His prophet, who in turn, directs the people. So, what is behind a prophet's instruction? Jesus Christ. A prophet’s directive is power-packed with all of who Christ is, what He knows, and what He can do. From earlier in the D&C (Section 38), I learned to look at what the prophet says assuming that it is backloaded with gobs of heavenly knowledge that I am not privy to. Nothing that a prophet directs is simple, seemingly one-dimensional, and temporal. It is, instead, deep. And it is an honor to follow the prophet, whom Christ leads. It is an act of aligning our will with God's. Section 88:32-33 teaches that whatever "law" we are "willing to receive" determines the eternal "gift" that God will bestow.

The truth is that we really don’t get that much specific direction from our prophet. I mean, it is not very often that he sets down strong directive to the Church. Usually he teaches us doctrine and gives us principles that we are to apply to our own lives. This makes sense because God is all about agency and preserving it. His plan of salvation hinges on it. But when the prophet speaks and says things like, “Go to the Ohio” (Section 38), he is inviting us to act for our own good. That makes it important that we use our agency to follow.

We sing with great fervor about a prophet. The song, “We Thank Thee, oh God, for a Prophet,” teaches that when there is confusion and “dark clouds”, direction from a prophet is the “hope” that we need. We are grateful that he is here to “guide us in these latter days.” We also teach our children the song “Follow the Prophet”, and we march and sing, “don’t go astray” and “he knows the way.” But do we believe these anthems when your personal views contradict a prophet's urging?

You cannot testify that a prophet is a prophet and still think, “Whoa, he is really off on this one.” Or, “Well, that doesn’t apply to me.” When a person disregards a prophet’s direction, they are essentially cutting the line to Christ. The very definition of a prophet, seer, and revelator is that past, present, and future can be made known to him because he is in communication with the Savior. Let the prophet be a prophet. Let him testify, prophesy, see with broader vision, know things that you don’t know, watch for dangers, and warn. Let the prophet be a prophet.

If there is still concern, we can rest knowing that God has promised to steady His Ark and will remove a prophet before he can lead the Church astray. Wilford Woodruff testified, “The Lord will never permit me or any other man who stands as President of this Church to lead you astray. It is not in the programme. It is not in the mind of God. If I were to attempt that, the Lord would remove me out of my place, and so He will any other man who attempts to lead the children of men astray from the oracles of God and from their duty.” (Sixty-first Semiannual General Conference of the Church, Monday, October 6, 1890, Salt Lake City, Utah. Reported in Deseret Evening News, October 11, 1890, p. 2.)

For some people following the prophet is simply a matter of obedience. They are directed and so they act. Some may say that that is just being a sheep. I disagree. This unqualified conformity is a way to witness your faith in Christ. It is a way that we show our desire to live as a product of God's law. (D&C 88:22) It shows that you understand that one of the ways that He guides you, personally, is through a prophet.

For others, it might not be immediately that simple. A prophet’s counsel may make you bristle, like it did W.W. Phelps. That is an opportunity at growth. For humility. For going to God in prayer. But the question is not, “Should I follow the prophet or not?” The correct question is, “This counsel is proving difficult for me. BUT, I intend to follow Thy prophet. Please give me the strength, peace, and confidence to do what Thou hast directed through Thy living prophet.” Then you act and peace will come.

Are there exceptions? Probably, but don't start there. If God had His prophet speak to the Church as a body, He means the directive to be for the Church as a body. Conversely, if it were an issue with varied good answers, then the prophet would instead teach a principle and ask you to govern yourself with the help of the Holy Ghost and personal revelation. It’s good to be able to recognize the difference. Too often people rely on their limited knowledge, prejudices, or preferences. They ask the wrong question, set aside prophetic guidance, and then claim that the Holy Ghost guided them differently. This sounds like Hiram Page or Oliver Cowdery and their stones and divining rods when they were confused about the order of the Kingdom. (Section 28) It is really confident to frog-hop the prophet’s clear direction and claim God gave you special exemption. Elder Lynn Robbins once said that the people who are the true exceptions, don't want to be, nor do they ask to be.

Additionally, this behavior doesn’t work doctrinally because the Holy Ghost’s first purpose is to testify of God and Christ, and it is Christ who guides the prophet. The Godhead is one and will always be united. The Holy Ghost does not contradict God and Christ. When there is friction, it is just so much more believable to me that a fallible human with a small-scoped, limited view is the one who is out of line. To claim personal revelation from the Holy Ghost that allows you to disobey a prophet seems like treading in dangerous territory. That said, it is your choice, and the accountability for that choice is also yours.

Finally, Section 90:4 tells the reader that through the prophet, "oracles" will be given to the Church. The textbook definition of "oracles" is of great interest to me. It is defined as, "a priest acting as a medium through which advice or prophecy was sought from God." Or in other words, mankind's seeking and pleading and praying and importuning the Father returns to us in guidance and direction from our living oracle-- the prophet. He is "the medium" that God uses to answer our prayers. I am a little shaken by Christ's caution in 90:5: "All they who receive the oracles of God, let them beware how they hold them lest they are accounted as a light thing." Beware how you hold them. When generous Godly wisdom and direction comes to us through our prophet, especially guidance that answers our very pleas, be so so very careful how you hold it, embrace it, react to it, and act on it.

I feel a little emotional when I think about the end to the story of this real-life struggle with prophetic guidance. Eventually W.W. Phelps walked himself right out of the Church with his criticisms. He caused a lot of trouble. He caused a lot of pain and difficulty for the Church. Yet, this is the same repentant, re-baptized man, who died in Salt Lake City in full fellowship, and he penned the words to a beloved hymn, “praise to the man, who communed with Jehovah.”

Yes. That is what is all about—Jehovah. Christ. Who speaks to the Church and the world through prophets. 

Here are my summary learnings:

1) Church Leaders labor with prayerful tenderness for our salvation.
2) If we leave, the caravan will move on without us, and it will still be mighty and strong.
3) This is the Kingdom of God and He can steady His own Ark.
4) We have access to God’s omniscience through a living prophet. Assume the prophet’s direction is always power-packed with information that we aren’t privy to.
5) Let a prophet be a prophet. Meaning, let him be a seer, revelator, and one who prophesies. Let him know and see things that you do not know and see.
6) To follow a prophet is not being a mindless sheep, but is instead showing great faith in the one who leads the prophet-- Jesus Christ.
7) If prophetic counsel makes you bristle, determine in yourself to obey and ask God for the confidence to do so.
8) The Holy Ghost and personal revelation does not ever contradict Christ and His prophet.

9) The living prophet is the medium through which God answers the pleas of our hearts. He is an "oracle."
9) We will all need to work on this. We can repent when we fall short.

Happy Mother's Day-- A Tale of Uncomfortable Devotion

Recently I came upon a news story from 2015 out of Pennsylvania's Codorus State Park. This American Bald Eagle (pictured) was seen on the Game Commission's "eagle cam" after a late-season snow. She is sitting on eggs-- keeping them warm through extraordinary conditions. It seems a little miserable.

President John F. Kennedy once described the eagle to the Audubon Society this way, "The fierce beauty and proud independence of this great bird aptly symbolizes... strength and freedom." And with that description, we might envision the bird perched with meticulous feathers, carrying that characteristic air of confidence. We visualize the fully extended wings of this magnificent creation, graceful in its movements, and soaring where little birds can't go. 

The above description is different splendor than what we see in the eagle cam. But, I have to tell you that this nest filled with snow, and this bird, up to her neck in seeming discomfort, is still "fierce beauty." She is keeping those little eggs warm. She is loyally protecting and nurturing what is in her charge. Even in these conditions, I see this bird just as President Kennedy described. Yet, it is a significant challenge of the day to really believe that a mother's work with home and children is as emancipating as looking stately and flying free; to consider mothering to be the mark of a woman who is independent and strong, even when it looks like sitting in a nest, stuck a great deal of snow.

When I was a little girl, my mom regularly read me Horton Hatches the Egg by Dr. Suess. In this cute story, the bird begs Horton the Elephant to grant her reprieve from the "boring" job of sitting on her egg. Then while Mayzie flies off to Palm Beach, Horton spends day after day, on the egg, in the tree, enduring all things unpleasant. Just like our friend, the eagle. But Horton never faltered because "an elephant is faithful 100%." My young spirit was a bit repelled by Mayzie Bird's casual attitude, but I loved trusty Horton. I understood exactly why he couldn't leave the nest-- he had a job and that little bird needed him.

And so it goes with a whole myriad of uncomfortable circumstances that we encounter in mothering. There is that overtired toddler who cries down every aisle of Target, and you stroke their head and talk sweet words. Or the teen who is not yet in love with curfews, but you stay up and wait so that you can have that precious, bedtime conversation. The young adult whose ideas and world-view may not match your own and they want to talk about it-- so you listen long and try to guide. Or there is that baby with a fever, a stuffy nose, or a croupy cough that wants to be held all through the night. And you hold your breath a little bit during the development of obedience and character from the sneaky little people hiding in the clothing racks at Kohls. Or the one who is learning volume by dumping cups and cups of water in your kitchen sink. 

Mothering through uneasiness can look like the savory breakfasts you prepare in the pitch-dark, hoping that the waft of culinary goodness makes getting up for school and early morning seminary easier and worth it. It is bravely getting into the passenger seat for one-hundred hours of practice time with a student driver. It is nine months and beyond of giving your entire person, body and soul, to the miraculous creation of another little body. And then doing it again, and again. It looks like the radio dial on long trips set to the music of the modern day. The persistent teaching of values and life skills despite resistance and opposition-- ie the pep talk on the merits of practicing the piano. And mothering means even a decided, willful forgetting of words that hurt and actions that disappoint and sting.

Whether our children know it or not, we are Horton. We are Pennsylvania's eagle. We are honorary Boy Scouts-- trustworthy and loyal. The infinity sign is written on our hearts. And it doesn't matter whether children can articulate what we do, or whether they are even conscious of it. Through it all, mothers are a safe place. A soft place. A protective wing. A reliable landing strip. A formidable ally.

Joe Mitchell Chapple penned a poem called "The Bravest Battle" that speaks to a mother's dogged stamina and her commission as though it is heavenly combat. I'll be honest, when you put what mothers do to verse, it sounds pretty uncomfortable. But also important. Listen, the poem goes like this:

The bravest battle that ever was fought! Shall I tell you where and when? 

On the maps of the world you will find it not; ’Twas fought by the mothers of men. 

Nay, not with cannon or battle-shot, With a sword or noble pen; 

Nay, not with eloquent words or thought From mouths of wonderful men! 

But deep in a walled-up woman’s heart— Of a woman that would not yield, 

But bravely, silently bore her part— Lo, there is that battlefield! 

No marshalling troops, no bivouac song, No banner to gleam and wave; 

But oh! these battles, they last so long— From babyhood to the grave. 

Yet, faithful still as a bridge of stars, She fights in her walled-up town— 

Fights on and on in the endless wars, Then, silent, unseen, goes down. 

Oh, ye with banners and battle-shot, And soldiers to shout and praise! 

I tell you the kingliest victories fought Were fought in those silent ways. 

O spotless woman in a world of shame, With splendid and silent scorn, 

Go back to God as white as you came— The kingliest warrior born! 

(Taken from Heart Throbs, Joe Mitchell Chapple, ed., New York, 1947, pp. 229–30.) 

Now that is a rallying cry that I understand. Even though it sounds exhausting to "fight on and on in endless wars," I'm learning that that is the text-book, maternal, job description. I have come to expect the unexpected and am hard to shock these days. Regardless, I am forever here. And I know that there is no more important moment in life or death than to be able to "go back to God" and report, without regret, on the tiring and untiring efforts in my nest. I long to tell Him that in my lifetime, I "would not yield." That in my little home, or "walled-up town," and with His help, I was as faithful and predictable as the "a bridge of stars" in the sky. 

I know that you, my mothering-friend, want that, too. So, let us soldier on, despite unease. Let's be there, resolute and devoted, despite uncomfortable storms. 

I love you.

-Valerie

Happy Mother's Day-- In the Arena

My boys are absolute artists. Over the years they have used their talents to capture my visage, which is effort I appreciate. Really.

Exhibit One is a nice pencil drawing by Trenton with exceptional shading and details.

Exhibit Two was drawn by Holden, who used pastels to show the amazing flexibility of my joints and a really nice hair cut.

Exhibit Three is McKay's masterpiece. This creation came on a day when his affection for me was lost in parental guidance. The composition leaves no room for the imagination.

I don't blame McKay though. Sometimes that showpiece is how I feel. Mothering is tiring.

Elder Brian Taylor spoke to diligent moms and said this: "To mothers, especially young mothers, who often feel overwhelmed and underwater while striving to raise “a sin-resistant generation,” never underestimate your central role in God’s plan. In stressful moments...know that God sanctifies your most difficult days." ("Am I A Child of God?", Brian Taylor, GC April 2018)

And here is an oldie but goodie from Elder Holland: "I especially wish to praise and encourage young mothers. The work of a mother is hard, too often unheralded work...Through these years, mothers go longer on less sleep and give more to others with less personal renewal for themselves than any other group I know at any other time in life." ("Because She is a Mother", Elder Holland, April GC 1997)

Well, now I am an old mother, and I am still tired. I must be on the romantic side of the fence with a dim memory because these days I find myself glamorizing spilled boxes of crayons and dissembled Tupperware cupboards. Babies and toddlers bring the physical fatigue of days of chores and nights of newborns and toddlers. An old mom has to be smart, decipher baffling complexity, have the right words, and be patient and loving with tricky situations and interactions. And I still don't get enough sleep. There are some moments, or days, or seasons that require significant self-care, or as I like to say, "Pastry Therapy". You know the kind. For me it looks like a Rick's Bakery chocolate bar, stuffed full of cherries. I'm not saying that that was what Elder Taylor was calling "sanctifying", but it tastes pretty therapeutic. Even temporarily curative.

This fatigue is rightfully earned by persistent effort, and probably deserves a great big trophy and a tiara of diamond gems. We should wear them like a prizefighter boasts his championship belt buckle. Listen to this from a presidential speech by Theodore Roosevelt: "The credit (for the doing of great deeds) belongs to the one who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends themself in a worthy cause..." (" The Man in the Arena", Theodore Roosevelt,  Excerpt from the speech "Citizenship In A Republic" delivered at the Sorbonne, in Paris, France on 23 April, 1910)

Applied to mothering, the trench work may leave us a little "marred by dust and sweat and blood"-- feeling kinda beat up. But we champion on with "deeds", "great enthusiasm", and most importantly, "great devotions". We are still in the arena! And that staying-power exposes our maternal superpower-- a mother is the one who stays in the game.

This stamina is important because children need second and third and fourth and fifth chances. They need predictable stability. There may be seasons, sometimes harsh like a long Minnesota winter, where you will feel worn out by the profession. But, heaven is counting on your patient, tenacious persistence. These children are precious and priceless, and you are earning your "tired" like a medal of honor for devotion to the most important cause-- helping others back to our Heavenly Father.

When my intentional mother died at 61 years old, my Dad quoted Doctrine and Covenants 123:13 to describe my mom's consecrated energy for mothering. "Therefore, that we should waste and wear out our lives (in this work)..." That means "to be gradually consumed" and in "a worn out condition", which is the prize my mom earned having raised eight children and weathered much. But seriously, what possibly could be a more important way to spend your years? Nothing compares. Helping each other navigate this life well deserves all that we have, and it is the rallying call of motherhood.

What you bring to the game is everywhere unmatched. Unbound, undivided, unequivocal, unfettered, unconditional love. The unique compassion of a mother swirls around in her heart and soul, and is consuming. It is an unquenchable charity. It is such a powerful force to that woman that, against the odds, she has capacity to forgive and nurture and cheer and try again and again and again. It is so bottomless and deep that she punches in on the clock everyday and never gives up hope. This love is an endowment from the One who loves deepest, perfectly, and best, and it keeps a mother tethered close to the fight. And because He bestowed it, the accountability is to God.

I watch you and YOU are totally, both-feet and whole-body, "in", and I love you for it. On the Mother's Day, let me stand on this mountain and shout well-deserved cheers to the beautiful army of mothers that you are.

So, sketch away boys.  You can't scare me with your pictures. I am a mother and I am in the arena to stay.

Women as Witnesses--

For millennia members of the Church have been observing God's instituted law of witnesses:
"In the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established." (2 Cor 13:1)

Because of the importance of ordinances in qualifying mankind to re-enter the presence of God, the ordinance needs to be witnessed in this way and recorded.

Yesterday President Nelson announced a policy change. No longer do witnesses to ordinances need to be men. This is the new clarification:
1. Any baptized member of the Church may serve as a witness of the baptism of a living person. This change pertains to all baptisms outside the temple.
2. A proxy baptism for a deceased person may be witnessed by anyone holding a current temple recommend, including a limited-use recommend.
3. Any endowed member with a current temple recommend may serve as a witness to sealing ordinances, living and proxy.

All covenant makers and keepers can bear witness that an ordinance has been performed and performed correctly. President Nelson explained that it will increase the members' opportunity to have "covenants...planted in (their) hearts..."

There has been some excitement about this change. I'm pretty sure that it is seen among some as liberation, equality and validation of women. I like President Nelson's framing better than the vocal, social-media view that this policy change is "one giant step for womankind". It took a day for me to figure out my own feelings and I found them, in part in an article by Sarah Jane Weaver (HERE)  This is the last sentence:  "...mostly I celebrate the women in my life whose living witness of the Savior and His Church reminds me that this policy change isn’t really a change at all."

Yes. Faithful women have already been standing there as witnesses.

When I write that, I feel emotion because it describes with perfection, my mom. She was a woman of graces and was unassuming. She stood straight and dignified, and was so beautiful to me. She had a great sense of humor and sometimes laughed until she cried, but she was never course or inelegant. She was a woman of self-control and discipline.

Her life was filled with the unpredictable, but she was a pragmatic, hard working. put-your-shoulder-to-the-wheel kind of girl. Her work was done in private and her personal ministry was done in secret.

In my mind, I can see her standing in the background and observing me with a supportive, approving look that I needed and cherished. I knew how much she loved me and that she was proud of me but because of moments out of the public view-- at the kitchen counter, as a passenger in her car, in the dark at midnight as she waited for me in the living room, from the back of a concert hall, from the rear of a chapel. None of which was at all overt or showy.

I knew that she took seriously her own covenant walk. She was always for the underdog and those who lived under the radar. She bore, held, fed and comforted the modest and unflashy. She loved the temple. She served in Primary, Scouting and the other auxiliaries with imagination and commitment. She loved this Church and was proud of the cultural programs and historical sites. She loved her ancestors and found faith in their faith.

It is funny all the lessons that I learned without any loud shouting voices or figurative tap dancing. I never saw her bear her testimony in a Sunday meeting. I never saw her lead an auxiliary. I never saw her with a prominent member of the Church. I feel like every amazing thing that she did was quiet and done with reserve. Still, I knew what she wanted for me.

I can picture her in the temple on the day that I married, sitting near me. Not in the formal witness chairs, but without doubt, she sat there as an attestor. First, because in a million ways she had brought me there that day by her lifetime of teaching and modeling devotion to God. And second, because she had been in the (sometimes uncomfortable) Valerie-development-trench with me my whole life long and she was my most knowing witness there that I came to the temple that day prepared with intention and devotion.

I guess I would just say that like Ms Weaver, "My own history is filled with women whose lives have been defined by their witness and discipleship." And while it is good that all covenant keepers can be witnesses to ordinances now, it wasn't necessary to my faith or, more importantly, to a woman's worth. Faithful women have always been standing there as witnesses.

A Masterpiece Takes Time

My Mom, who was a wonderful mother filled with strength, skill and intention, used to enjoy exactly 364 days a year more than she did Mother’s Day. I am pretty sure that it was because of the uncomfortable attention and maybe some perceived insufficiency. Even this wonderful woman who deserved medals, trophies, gold stars and blue ribbons struggled with this day of celebration. And now that I am older, I know that she is not alone.

But today, on THIS Mother’s Day, I want to remember two lovely things:

First, we believe passionately in this divinely-commissioned profession! We really do. Let’s celebrate the role! It is the errand of angels and mothering is an integral part of God’s plan. A godly-mother assures that a child will always have a teacher, nurturer, cheerleader, example, guide, and friend. That is a sweet, important job.

And the second thing to remember is that the story of OUR maternal sacrifice, love, compassion, and consecration is not finished yet.

Greg and I were recently in Italy, staring with awe at halls and walls of architectural genius. Stepping into the history of these cathedrals and towers I was amazed at just how long it took to create these works of art. I mean, the Tower of Pisa took 200 years to complete! That represented three or four lifetimes of work! Generations!

Do you think that those architects and artists were content working a lifetime on something that would only be finished in two more lifetimes?  It seems like that would be a job without reward.

But I suspect that they understood this truth--  a masterpiece takes time.

 

And a companion truth about our work of mothering is this-- people take time, too.

The crafting and shaping and sculpting work of mothering is a complementary, supportive miracle. It supplements a life-plan orchestrated by the child’s agency and the Master Himself.

God believes in slow. He knows His children’s development is cumulative, which is a code word for unhurried and deliberate. This is easy to believe because I know that He is still working full-time with me. I don’t think that He minds the process or the wait though because He is building a showpiece. And with children of God, we know the end of the story— Growth. Change. Salvation. Glory.  A mother is a partner in that production. She is a physical hand and heart, and like God’s, her work is not bound by earth and time. This knowledge should quell discouragement and give us hope, in a hope-in-Christ kind of way.

Some years ago, my family and I visited Nauvoo, Illinois. From almost the moment we drove into town, I felt so drawn to the beautiful, colored, stained-glass windows that completely surround the upper level of the Nauvoo Temple. When I walked into a shop and found a book about the maker of the windows and doors, Charles Allen, I purchased his book and read it over the next couple of days.

I was fascinated by the detail Mr. Allen shared about what it took to make these windows with 19th Century techniques. It was so inspiring to read his journal entries that described "sash" and "jamb", white pine with low humidity, 2.35 miles long of 3/8" putty applied by hand, and true Dutch paint and its unique properties. I also loved reading about the constant flow of ideas and revelation that Mr. Allen described as he worked at solving problems and securing every detail and supply.

While filled with gratitude for the importance of what he had been asked to do, Mr. Allen struggled with feelings of inadequacy. He felt heavily dependent on prayer to show him what to do in a work that he sensed was bigger than he was. He knew that the commission to build the windows was from God, but still struggled with the day to day challenges of the job. He received answers to complicating factors and things that were befuddling in the night, at dawn, while driving, and through other people. He worked long and hard, woke in the middle of the night, and needed frequent reassurance.

Lying on my hotel room bed with a view of the finished, magnificent Temple out the window, I wondered, “What was Mr. Allen was so worried about?” For heaven's sake, his product was heart-stoppingly beautiful! The windows were stunning and perfect. It was obvious to me that God had used Mr. Allen's unique gifts to work a miracle. I wished that he had been able to see the profound loveliness of his mission completed while he was struggling, then he wouldn't have had to fret so much during construction.

Midway through the book, I realized that Charles Allen and his window-making was starting to tell my story. On page 99, I wrote in the margins, "I am so moved by this obscure application to MY mission—my mothering. The night-wakes with insights, feeling the need for specific direction, the uneasiness, the need for reassurance, the feelings of inadequacy. I see in Charles Allen's miracle, mine."

And then this little whisper, "You're at ground level, Val, and it may be hard to see progress, but you, too, are helping to build temples and they will be glorious." 

Mothers are employed in the business of the children of God. It is sometimes hard to tell in the middle of construction that the finished product is on course. But cathedrals take time. Temple windows take time. And people take time. And we mother with resolve because we know that, in the end, it is really all that matters.

Here is a beautiful, poetic mothering promise from the writer of Psalms 126:

"They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.

He that goeth forth and weepeth,

bearing precious seed,

shall doubtless come again rejoicing,

bringing his sheaves with him."

That means armloads and bunches and piles and stacks of fruit that will “doubtless” come someday because of a mother’s sowing of “precious seed” and heaven’s help.

Happy, Happy Mothering Day!  Really, you are spectacular and I love you.

--Valerie

Metamorphosis

In 2006, I made hundreds of calls trying to gather my 1986 graduating class for a 20-year reunion. (Just for fun, I'm tossing in a graduation photo.)  I can't even tell you how many times I heard this, "High school?  No thanks. I am sooooo over that."  And I thought, "Well, so am I.  We have all moved on."

It seemed obvious to me that during the years that my peers and I have been separated, ALL of us have changed. Of course, we are not the same people that walked the halls of Taylorsville High School decades ago.  Plus, I don't think that we were too bad back then for kids who were just 15 or 16 or 17 years old. Maybe some would say that we were squirrel-y teens with half-connected neurons, but we were trying to grow up good.  And with the benefit of years and years, probably (hopefully), we were all even better and improved.

As promised, THS Class of 1986 reunion was a great study of human growth and development over a long period of time.  That is, if you are into a kind of scientific anthropology beyond just drinking punch with old friends.  ha!

That brings me to today's big thought--

(Cue the confetti canons and fiery sparklers.)

!!!!!  People change  !!!!!

When you are talking about children of God, yesterday is not today, and today is not tomorrow. We grow.  We improve.  We develop.  We are tutored.  We are molded.  We are refined.

To quote The Bard, "Twas I, but 'Tis not I" (1), because God is remodeling the human race, one by one and moment to moment.

The central purpose of mortality is the opportunity to grow and reach a greater potential. (2)  The changes are gradual and occur over time. Our progress is more a process than an event.  (3)

The central figure in that "process" is Jesus Christ, whose divine mission was, in part, to suffer beyond the capacity of a mere mortal and then give His life to save us from our sins. His purpose was to reclaim us through repentance from the inevitable missteps of our probationary time, and then to advocate with the Father on our behalf.  To offer us an escape from the condemnation that we earn through acts of independence and agency, and allow us to benefit from the gradual growth and development that failure and/or experience brings.

His purpose is to accomplish in us, a complete metamorphosis-- "The gospel of Jesus Christ...takes...men and women of the earth and refines (them) into men and women for the eternities." (4)

As Paul said, "We look for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ: Who shall change our vile body, that it may be fashioned like unto his glorious body, according to the working whereby he is able even to subdue all things unto himself." (5)

Whew!  That is beautiful doctrine and with it in mind--

I am very concerned about a real societal problem that I see popping up all over the place.  It is this sweeping ideology that once a person has fallen short, that there is never a way to rid oneself of shortcomings or mistakes, rebellion or agency, weakness or transgression.  That they stick like glue.  Impossible to shed.  And they follow you in perpetuity.  (The Information Age makes this more and more possible.)

What a desperate and grim state to believe that our accumulation of daily blemish is with us irrevocably!  This is an outright denial of The Atonement of Jesus Christ.

It is a modern-day proliferation of the philosophy of ancient, awful anti-christs.

Sherem "(preached) among the people, ...(declaring) unto them that there should be no Christ." (6)

And Korihor screamed, "...ye cannot know that there shall be a Christ. Ye look forward and say that (you) see a remission of your sins. But behold, it is the effect of a frenzied mind; and this derangement of your minds comes because of the traditions of your fathers, which lead you away into a belief of things which are not so." (7)

We live in a society that denies Heavenly Father's plan to help us grow through line upon line development over a lifetime and more.  We live with a collective people who deny that Christ came to offer us an escape from condemnation.

This is my anthem today-- allow others to change!

It is such a bad thing when we deny each another the possibility of the Savior's power to transform us over time. It is especially disconcerting when we appreciate and depend on the liberal mercy of Christ for ourselves, but are restrictive with His grace when we view others.(8)  We are all prodigals.  We are NOT finished, yet.  And we all need Christ.

Here is THE true, hopeful doctrine that allows us to embrace our arduous path and move onward through our mistakes-- Elder Packer taught, “The Atonement leaves no tracks, no traces. What it fixes is fixed. … It just heals, and what it heals stays healed....The Atonement, which can reclaim each one of us, bears no scars. That means that no matter what we have done or where we have been or how something happened, if we truly repent, [the Savior] has promised that He would atone. And when He atoned, that settled that!” (9)

It is my hope that we can apply Elder Packer's declaration to ourselves, but also, liberally to others.  Remembering that Heavenly Father started us here on earth as babies in mother's arms needing to learn every single thing new.  And believing that every day is an essential opportunity to be building on yesterday, growing and stretching, and recreating ourselves. Christ making that possible.

If we could think of life as "a process" then maybe we could stand back and glory in the cumulative nature of development. Then we would not be in such a dogged hurry with each other's progress.  And I don't think that we would hold each other hostage to our pasts either.  But instead we would stand in awe, armed with mercy, as we witnessed and even admired God's longitudinal, drip by drip, long-term program of transforming each of us into something more divine.


(1) Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
(2) Mormon.org, What is the Purpose of Life? https://www.mormon.org/beliefs/purpose-of-life
(3) "Born Again" Elder D. Todd Christofferson April 2008 GC
(4) CR Nov 2007 The Great Commandment Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin
(5) Philippians 3:20-21
(6) Jacob 7:1-2
(7) Alma 30:15-16
(8) ideas came from reading Elder Renlund's April 2015 GC talk, "Latter-day Saints Keep on Trying"
(9) Boyd K Packer, “The Plan of Happiness,” Ensign or Liahona, May 2015, 28.

A Nation of God's Children

This is a little throwback to September of 2011.  It is a photo of corporate-Greg as he was leaving for the airport for his first American Airlines flight post 9-11.  He left without fear.

Me? Skiddish. That's why there is a picture.  I wanted some kind of "last memory" if things went eschew.  Sweet Jamison is the baby.

That was quite a season in the history of our country and I felt affected even from our innocent little world of Frisco, Texas.  By affected, I mean, vulnerable.

I was grateful for leaders who jumped into action to protect me.  It reminds me that last week I heard Brett Kavanaugh (presently of the DC Court of Appeals) remembering his five and a half years in the George Bush White House.  He said that for President Bush, every day post 9-11 was September 12th and he was consummately determined to keep America safe.  At the time, I felt secure in that. I sensed that for the next 2686 days, Bush had my back.

I also had profound feelings of patriotism for this great nation that I love.  After 9-11 we embraced in the great biggest National hug ever.

I remember watching the broadcast of the September 14th Prayer Service in the DC National Cathedral and I felt like America was all gathered for comfort and strength from The Heavens.  It was beautiful. The Nation, collectively, needed a Supreme Being during that season to make sense of the senseless.  They needed to put their faith in someone loving and powerful and omnipotent.

In that meeting, President Bush said this:
"It is said that adversity introduces us to ourselves. This is true of a nation as well. In this trial, we have been reminded, and the world has seen, that our fellow Americans are generous and kind, resourceful and brave...Today we feel what Franklin Roosevelt called 'the warm courage of national unity'. This is a unity of every faith and every background."

And that was the week that Congress shook off their differences, squished together, and with "heart eyes" for each other, sang "God Bless America" on the United States Capital steps" while we all watched. What an amazing scene.

It would be nice if that was the climate of our nation today, but we have been so casual with the unity that we found in tragedy.

Last week, I was obsessively interested in the Senate's public confirmation process of the above mentioned Supreme Court nominee, Judge Kavanaugh.  I watched a lot of the two days of questioning and came away confident that the Judge was beyond qualified. This is a good man. This is a man committed to the rules of the Judiciary.  He respects precedent. He is principled.  He is a willing servant.  His twelve years on the bench has shown intelligence, lack of bias, respect for the Constitution, and for those in his courtroom.  Like Senator Lindsay Graham said, he should be confirmed with 96 or 97 or 98 votes.  But that is just not the way things work in Washington these days.

I'm not sure whether our politicians set the tone for us as Americans, or if they go to DC to represent us in our bias. But chicken or egg, cooperation and courtesy is not the way we play.  Those Senate hearings last week were a peek into the ugly and the wedges and the cliques and the selfish and the destructive and the bitter.

And that's why it isn't all bad to have 9-11 come around the corner again.  It is a day of remembering the victims and their loved ones, yes.  But we would be obliged if it was more than that.  If the day was also an opportunity to remember when love combined against hate.  When solidarity reigned and, as a nation, we were one.

If we all remembered those feelings then maybe we would require benevolence of ourselves, and of our public servants again.  And if we could hold it close, I bet we would sigh at how glorious it felt to be joined and connected again-- all of us God's children, placed here together in this brilliant and beautiful land of liberty and love.

We Believe in Fathers

I had a wonderful mother.  She was as intentional as any I have ever seen.  She had a bachelor's degree in Human Development and Family Relations and her greatest ambition was to raise a family and make a lovely home.  She served home-cooked meals with vegetables, read us Caldecott Award-winning books, spoke to us with respect and love, pushed us to set goals, sewed us matching dresses, kissed us on the head, and taught us how to work.  She was !good! at her profession.

My Dad tells me that he was impressed with and grateful for her capacity, talent and efficiency with the home and children. Working in tandem, he knew he had a role as a provider and a spiritual guider, but beyond that, he didn't exactly know what it was that he contributed to our family life, especially the child-rearing.

One day, my dad had a young 40-something year old heart attack.  After some days of hospitalization, he was visited by my oldest sister, Alison.  She encouraged him to get better, "Hurry!  We need you at home!"  She told him that things were kind of chaotic without him.

My dad tells me that that plea from a teen-age daughter was insight into family influence that he hadn't before recognized completely.  "I learned that I was a stabilizing force for our family. That I was steady, kept things positive, and on even-keel emotionally." To this day, he gets a little teary when he tells this story because it was such an important lesson for him to learn-- even with a capable mother, our family needed HIM!

I agree with my sisters long-ago assessment, families need fathers.  I needed my dad's kind encouragement, his predictable reactions, his weakness for spoiling this daughter.  I needed his wise, measured counsel, his Gospel instruction, and his pillow fights.  I needed LeGrande Richards read out loud to me, regular scripture study, and his kind, approving looks.  I needed to play hide and seek with him, even though we knew he would always be found in the bathtub. I needed his example of hard work and sacrifice, the use of his beat-up pick up truck, and his kneeling prayers at dinner time. I needed more than provisions, I needed a father in the deepest most sacred use of that word.

"We believe in fathers. We believe in 'the ideal of the man' who puts his family first...We believe that far from being superfluous, fathers are unique and irreplaceable."

I recently listened to a BYU-I devotional spoken by a Child Development/Marriage and Family Studies professor, Tim Rarick. He taught me that a man hasn't even really been introduced to their potential and life's mission until they have prepared for, embraced, and then magnified their role as a father.  His words corrected the perception that success in church service, societal influence, and bread-winning completely meet the requirements that God has for men.  He said, "sometimes I think that we ...speak of wanting to become like our Heavenly Father by developing His knowledge and perfect attributes, without focusing on becoming what He is: a parent—more specifically, a father." (2)

Brother Rarick quoted the Church's manual titled 'A Parent’s Guide':  “Since a major purpose of our mortal existence is to become like our Heavenly Father…the ultimate goal of a man or boy is to become an effective husband and father..." (3) Then He concluded, "(Fatherhood) is how men reach the full measure of their creation. Brethren, if your goal is exaltation, your goal is fatherhood." (4)

"If your goal is exaltation, your goal is fatherhood"-- this is amazing doctrine.

This is not a statement of biology, this is a clarion call for men to rise to the role of being an intentional, focused parent.

Perhaps we focus too much on the father's responsibilities outside of the home.  Is he a resource-gatherer? A family provider? Yes.  Emphatically.  In fact Elder Christofferson stated, "Jesus said, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” Fathers manifest that love as they lay down their lives day by day, laboring in the service and support of their families." (5)  Isn't that beautiful!  And does a father have duties in God's Kingdom?  Yes. Absolutely. He bears the Priesthood and serves to bring people to Christ through ordinances and covenants.  But, a man's development, even in all of the good he does elsewhere, is incomplete until he embraces being a father. Until he lets the experiences of caring for children, in their weakness and complexity, become his passion. His development opportunity.  His life's purpose.

These couple of weeks between mid-May and mid-June where we celebrate motherhood and fatherhood, are an annual, respectful bow to the two most influential roles that a human could ever play. If the families of the world were led by women who were singularly-focused, purposed mothers, and by men who were were taking care of their families physical needs and were involved fathers, then !ta da! many of the societal ills that plague us today would find resolution.

Yes, we believe in fathers and fatherhood.  We believe in the strength, goodness and worth of men. We believe in their invaluable contribution to families.  Kudos to the great men on this earth.

Happy Father's Day!

(1) Fathers, D Todd Christofferson, Apr 2016 GC
(2) "Men Are That They Might Be Fathers", Tim Rarick, BYU-I Devotional, May 18, 2018
(3) A Parent’s Guide (manual, 1985); lds.org.
(4) "Men Are That They Might Be Fathers", Tim Rarick, BYU-I Devotional, May 18, 2018
(5) Fathers, D Todd Christofferson, Apr 2016 GC

Happy Mother's Day!

Kneeling at the bedside of my boys in the late evening is one of my very favorite places to be.  Tucked in their blankets, they are spongy and smart, teachable and cute.  Over the years we have read a whole library full of books out loud.

Near President's Day I have pulled out an old $1.48 copy of Abraham Lincoln: President for the People by Larry Weinberg. I love Mr. Weinberg's writing about Abe's childhood.

Abe and his sister were the third generation of Lincolns who lived quite primitively in the forests of Kentucky and then Indiana. The Lincoln cabin, which had a dirt floor and drafty spaces in between the logs, was their frontier home. Abe was nine years old when his mother died of milk disease. His father, Tom, was sad. After harvest was over, Tom left the kids in the custody of a 17 year old orphan boy, and without explanation, headed through the woods.  The children, aged 9 and 11, foraged for food and lived lean for weeks and weeks as winter set in. When Tom returned in December, he brought a new mother and three new siblings.

The author described the first meeting of the new family, "The youngsters standing in front of the new Mrs. Lincoln were filthy.  But she opened her heart to them at once and took them into her arms as if they were her own. Like her own children, they were soon well-scrubbed, well-fed, and wearing clean clothes... But Mrs Lincoln cared about much more...Sarah saw Abe's curiosity and desire to learn and (gave him opportunities at education), and also enough confidence in himself to last him all his life.  Even when he became a famous politician (He said), 'All that I am or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.'"

This sweet little boy needed an advocate, a cheerleader, a director, a nurturer, stability and an opportunity.  This, so that he could blossom into the man of faith, strength, brilliance, and distinction that became the Abraham Lincoln that we, generations later, are still so incredibly thankful for.

So, this weekend is Mother's Day and everyone, in increments of cards and flowers, is thankful.  But outside of this annual celebration, a mother's value isn't every day understood.  It is a very restless world we live in. Societal philosophy has blanketed us with questions about our worth, has stripped us of traditional roles, thrown us into a game of comparison and a search for "equality", has told us to be discontented, and even has made us a little ferocious as we collectively seek for powerful and visible ways to influence. With all of these unsettling messages, we could wonder and question whether mothering, one by one, to a very small audience, is where we can make the our life's greatest contribution.

Thank heavens for Julie Beck who once pointed out, “I think sometimes people confuse stardom with influence." (1)  I might rephrase that to say, we confuse "visibility and promotion" with influence.  We might believe that in order to have sway and affect in this world, we need to be out in front, loud, picketing, leading a crowd, speaking from a pulpit with a large audience, rocking a board room, running a business, or getting awards and raises.  But Julie Beck said, and I would concur, that influence isn't always connected to visibility or "stardom".

A mother marches along quietly and usually without accolades and fanfare.  But don't mistake that for lack of influence.  Joseph F. Smith once explained, "...(children) drink into the spirit of their mothers, and the influence of the mother over the children is the most enduring impression that can be made. There is nothing so imperishable as the influence of the mother." (2)

Sometimes it may be a little hard to see your own significance, which makes the work faith-based, but children love and trust and quote their mothers. I have driven a lot of carpools, have taught youth classes, and have had a lot of little visitors in my home.  From my interaction with children, this I know-- what mothers teach and say and do shape the lens by which children see themselves and how they see the world. This makes me feel very careful.  Every president and king, plumber and architect has a mother. Every single, big something is done by someone's well-cared for, enabled, loved, grown up, little child.  A mother is one of the kindest gifts that God could give.

A woman's influence may start with just one little person, but it grows and spreads exponentially. Joseph F Smith said, "The...influence (of) a good mother...is like leaven cast into the measure of meal, that will leaven the whole lump... her influence extends, not only to her own children but to the associates of her children.  You do not know how far your influence extends.  A mother....sows the seeds...and wherever that boy or girl goes, in whatever society they mingle, the good effects of... that mother will be felt." (3)

That quote describes perfectly "The Sarah Lincoln Effect".  Her stewardship was, first, a boy of hidden promise, and then a fine man and community lawyer.  Eventually her charge was a President of an unsettled, divided America. Her "fruit" is the nation we live in today.  She created the possibility for this man, and we all sit indebted to this almost anonymous woman, who cared about a filthy, hungry little boy.  Who helped him read and gave him the opportunity of education.  Who loved him, taught him, cared for him, and believed in him. That is influence that is known to almost no one but the God of Heaven, but He must be so very grateful for Mrs. Sarah Lincoln. (4)

And may I add, He is grateful for YOU!  Because you are doing the same work.
 
A terrible modern-day miss is in not seeing that a woman's greatest power to influence comes from within family relationships. It is worth all of a woman's resources because the time, talent and energy spent therein goes forward into eternity.  A child is an investment in something that is completely unbound by the world. Mothering is influence that never ends.

Happy, Happy Mother's Day.  I love and admire you so much.
Mother on!

--Valerie

1- Julie B Beck, General Relief Society President, 2012 Interview with LDS Living
2- Deseret News: Semi-Weekly, 5 Jan. 1892, 3.
3- Deseret News: Semi-Weekly, 5 Jan. 1892, 3.
4- Photo by Bryan Eaton, http://coloroflincoln.com/Parents.html

A Call For the Resurgence of Family--

I read a news release last week about Alaina Petty, a 14 year old who died in the Parkland, Florida shooting on February 14, 2018.  This quote from Alaina's Dad, Ryan, is just exactly where my head has been for eleven days.

"While grief-stricken over Alaina’s death, Ryan Petty said of the accused gunman, 'I’m not angry at the shooter. I feel like we, as a society, failed this young man. He did not have the opportunity to live in a family that could love him the way he needed to be loved; to take care of him and understand the challenges and emotions he was feeling, and to give him positive ways to deal with them.'  Loving families, he added, are often remedies to such challenges. 'I can’t help but think that the solutions to these types of problems don’t lie in the policy realm—they lie in having strong families that [care] for their children and live according to Heavenly Father’s plan.'” (1)

As society tries to understand this senseless event, they are suggesting solutions like gun control, increased school security, teachers with protection responsibilities, and more cops on campuses.  They blame the sheriff, the FBI, The President, or the NRA.  

I really can't evaluate well the merits or weakness of any of those ideas. That is for people smarter than me.  But, I know that there is something powerful that we can collectively do.  My idea is Ryan Petty's idea-- we need functional, child-centric families.

Our Families Are Broken

As a society, we are broken.

 * Almost half of US babies are born to unwed mothers.  And, the numbers are substantially higher in certain demographics. (2)

* Only 50% of children live with two parents. And 17 million children live with their mother, but no father. (3)

* There were 8.5 million single mothers in the US in 2016. (4)

* 70% of women with children under 18 years old participate in the workforce. (5)

* 40-50% of marriages in the US will end in divorce.  (6)

* 45% of US households are "unmarried households".  (7)  

* About 38 % of unmarried but cohabitating couples have a child under age 18 living with them. (8)

* Only 7% of households with children are "traditional"—where one parent works and one stays home. (9)

Children Need Families

Expert in human development, Erik Erickson (1902-1994), taught about the development of healthy persons. (10)  His research has been long-held as a standard. 

He speaks to the developmental stages of a child:

Trust vs. Mistrust  0 - 1½ years old

Autonomy vs. Shame  1½ - 3 years old

Initiative vs. Guilt  3 - 5 years old

Industry vs. Inferiority  5 - 12 years old

Identity vs. Role Confusion  12 - 18 years old

Yet, starting at six weeks old, as soon as maternity leave is over, 61% of American children spend most of their waking hours in "non-parental" care-- 33% of those in "non-relative care".   That equates to 12.5 million children in daycares or being cared for by a non-parent, and this is during the season of a child's life when they are developing trust, autonomy, and initiative. (11)  

Preschool outside the home is the norm for American children. 40% of four year olds are in government-funded preschools.  Add the millions of preschoolers that attend non-publically funded schools and the number rises. (12)  People argue that it is inequity and injustice that the number is not 100% of children being educated in preschools outside of their mothers care.  They are asking "Why does America invest so little in their children?"  (13)

This is flawed on several levels.  First, it assumes that academic development is the highest societal priority for children ages three to five years old.  After studying Erik Erickson, I would argue that it is, instead, emotional development that is of top importance during those years. And second, mandatory preschool assumes that a mother can not do what educators and babysitters can. 

I learned about Erickson’s ideas as a single, young-adult, college student. I was so impressed at how very important a child’s very first days and months and years were in becoming a healthy adult.  I remember thinking, “A mother gets but one chance at influencing this. You can not get those important years back. ”

Further, the most well-known and influential theory of cognitive development was set forth by Jean Piaget (1896-1980).  (14)   He taught that there are four cognitive stages of childhood development, he identified them as:

Sensorimotor (birth through about 2 years)- Children learn about the world through their senses and the manipulation of objects.

Preoperational (ages 2 through 7)- Children develop memory and imagination. They are also able to understand things symbolically, and to understand the ideas of past and future.

Concrete Operational (ages 7 through 11)- During this stage, children become more aware of external events, as well as feelings other than their own. They become less egocentric, and begin to understand that not everyone shares their thoughts, beliefs, or feelings.

Formal Operations (ages 11 and older)- During this stage, children are able to use logic to solve problems, view the world around them, and plan for the future.

Jean Piaget taught that school age children are trying to figure out their own feelings and others' feelings and beliefs.  They are learning to look beyond themselves and understand others.  They are working on the skills of becoming empathetic and compassionate.  They are thinking about their own place in the world and where they belong in relation to others.  They are working on the cognitive skills to problem solve and plan for their future. And yet, 15.1 million children, five to fourteen years old, spend after school hours alone-- including a full third of American middle schoolers.  And another 6.5 million (a 2004 number and it was on the rise), are in non-parental, after-school care. (15)

The thought that a child can raise himself or that public schools and government are best equipt to raise a child, is irresponsible.  This is a whole new progressive take on the old African proverb, "It Takes a Village to Raise a Child".  I believe that that phrase originally suggested that children need intentional and present parents, but also benefit from many loving and caring helper-people. But in all of the talk about the power of accessory supporters, we have lost this truth—first and foremost, it takes a mother, and a father to raise a child.

I am not critical of skilled, loving providers, nor hard-working single parents, but the facts are there.  For half a century, many of our children have been either raised by helpers, part-time parents, or have been alone in their development.  I think that we are finding out that that model does not work. 

Children need quality and quantity time from parents. They need someone to listen and process ideas with.  They need a check and balance system, accountability, rules and expectations.  And this should be executed by someone who loves unconditionally and will parent individually.  They need an environment where they can be honest and vulnerable, and have someone to talk to who cares about them deeply and can help them through struggle.  They need modeling.  They need a reliable schedule and structure.  They need downtime and playtime. They need space to make mistakes where they can be urged and taught and redirected with love and mercy.  They need correction and oversight. They need mealtime and bedtime.  They need family touch-- hugs and kisses and compliments. 

These opportunities do not come at predictable, scheduled moments or when it is most convenient for a parent. Kids are funny-- they learn when they want to learn, not when you want to teach them. (16)

Perceptions Have Shifted

Adult roles have been under attack for decades.  Over the past fifty years the trend away from traditional "Father Knows Best" and "Leave it to Beaver" family has drifted to a society that focuses on the needs of adults, and not of children. 

Woman's liberation movements of the 1960's redefined marriage and mothering.  Robert Sheaffer wrote, “One can try to argue that the U.S. family died of natural causes at precisely the same time feminists began shooting at it, but after examining the depth and ferocity of the feminist attack against women’s roles as wives and mothers, such an argument fails to convince”.  (17)  He asserts that women, themselves, injured mothering and marriage.  This because feminism heavily values personal development and personal contribution over family.  It sees less value in helping husbands and children to have order, security, and nurturing.

Along with the demise of woman's roles, there has been a degradation of father and manhood. David Blankenhorn, the author of "Fatherless America", observed: "Fatherless is the most harmful demographic trend of this generation. It is the leading cause of declining child well-being in our society. It is also the engine driving our most urgent social problems." (18)  Men have given up and/or been forced to relinquish the protective, providing, supportive role that they have long held.

Neal Maxwell once said, “…by reversals and renunciations of role(s), we make a wasteland of both womanhood and manhood.” (19)

The Blueprint for Successful Families

The blueprint for improving society is The Family Proclamation.  This one page humankind-stabilizing document was delivered by President Gordon B Hinckley, former prophet of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. (20)  The document, first publically read in 1995, was distributed far and worldwide to Heads of State, Kings and Queens, Parliaments, and Government Officials.

It declared that each of us are children of God and have "divine nature and destiny".  That "gender is eternal".  That marriage is God's, and is between a man and woman. That each have equally important, God-given roles that they fulfill with the love and support of one another.  A father is to provide, preside and protect, and a mother is to nurture and minister. Both with full attention and intention. Together, side by side, they run a home and family that is full of faith, love, forgiveness, teaching, activities and respect. A child is to honor and obey. The family's purpose is assist heaven in "returning" God's children back to Him.

This document reaffirmed roles and called on adults to refocus on marriage, home and family.  I believe that it called on parents to “come home” in their hearts and minds, in body and in soul, and see their greatest contribution to society as the work that they do within the family.

And while there is no guarantee that children will use their free will and agency to immediately follow even the most beautiful of parental love, modeling and teaching.  And while a functional family is not a guarantee that children will be free of organic dysfunction and imperfection, I would still bank on family.  Why?  Because, this I know for sure, reclaiming a child who has diverted or been difficult, or nurturing a child who has illness or disability is best accomplished through patient intervention, love, compassion, urging and nurturing from a family.  Where our hand-wringing, justice-driven society fails, over time, families succeed.  Intentional families win.

The Family Proclamation concludes with this warning voice: "We warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets." (21) 

What Can We Do?

It has been said that “a very large ship is benefited very much by a very small helm in the time of a storm”. (22)  Humankind is a “very large ship” and society is in a raging “storm”.  To produce communities filled to the brim with functioning, loving, child-centric families is a seemingly “very small helm” and a one by one effort.  But I believe that that societal change can shift the trajectory and bring wonderful, sweeping changes to our nation and world.  

References and Notes:

1-     (https://lds.org/church/news/shooting-victim-alaina-petty-remembered-as-a-very-nice-good-person?lang=eng#1426406923)

2-     (https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/unmarried-childbearing.htm)

3-     (https://www.census.gov/newsroom/press-releases/2016/cb16-192.html)

4-     (https://www.census.gov/newsroom/press-releases/2016/cb16-192.html)

5-     (https://www.dol.gov/wb/stats/stats_data.htm)

6-     (http://www.apa.org/topics/divorce/)

7-     (http://www.unmarried.org/statistics/)

8-     https://www.census.gov/newsroom/press-releases/2016/cb16-192.html

9-     .(http://www.prb.org/Publications/Articles/2003/TraditionalFamiliesAccountforOnly7PercentofUSHouseholds.aspx)

10- (https://www.simplypsychology.org/Erik-Erikson.html)

11-(https://www.census.gov/prod/2013pubs/p70-135.pdf)

12-(https://www2.ed.gov/documents/early-learning/matter-equity-preschool-america.pdf) 

13-(https://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2016/07/why-does-america-invest-so-little-in-its-children/490790/)

14- (https://www.learningrx.com/4-cognitive-stages-for-child-development-faq.htm)

15-(http://afterschoolalliance.org/press_archives/AA3PM_National_NR_2009.pdf)

16- Clayton Christensen, The Power of Everyday Missionaries (2012) page 30.

17-("Feminism, the Noble Lie", as quoted in https://www.thetrumpet.com/2384-how-feminism-harms-families)

18-(David Blankenhorn, Fatherless America: Confronting Our Most Urgent Social Problem (1995), 62.)  

19-Elder Maxwell Quote

20-(The Family Proclamation, September 23, 1995, lds.org)

21-(The Family Proclamation, September 23, 1995, lds.org)

22- Doctrine and Covenants 123:16