I read a news release last week about Alaina
Petty, a 14 year old who died in the Parkland, Florida shooting on February 14,
2018. This quote from Alaina's Dad, Ryan, is just exactly where my head
has been for eleven days.
"While grief-stricken over Alaina’s death, Ryan Petty said of
the accused gunman, 'I’m not angry at the shooter. I feel like we, as a
society, failed this young man. He did not have the opportunity to live in a
family that could love him the way he needed to be loved; to take care of him and
understand the challenges and emotions he was feeling, and to give him positive
ways to deal with them.' Loving families, he added, are often remedies to
such challenges. 'I can’t help but think that the solutions to these types
of problems don’t lie in the policy realm—they lie in having strong families
that [care] for their children and live according to Heavenly Father’s plan.'” (1)
As society tries to
understand this senseless event, they are suggesting solutions like gun
control, increased school security, teachers with protection responsibilities,
and more cops on campuses. They blame the sheriff, the FBI, The
President, or the NRA.
I really can't evaluate well
the merits or weakness of any of those ideas. That is for people smarter than
me. But, I know that there is something powerful that we can collectively
do. My idea is Ryan Petty's idea-- we
need functional, child-centric families.
Our Families Are Broken
As a society, we are broken.
* Almost half of US babies are born to unwed mothers. And,
the numbers are substantially higher in certain demographics. (2)
* Only 50% of children live with two parents. And 17 million
children live with their mother, but no father. (3)
* There were 8.5 million single mothers in the US in 2016. (4)
* 70% of women with children under 18 years old participate in the
workforce. (5)
* 40-50% of marriages in the US will end in divorce. (6)
* 45% of US households are "unmarried households".
(7)
* About 38 % of unmarried but cohabitating couples have a child
under age 18 living with them. (8)
* Only 7% of households with children are "traditional"—where
one parent works and one stays home. (9)
Children Need Families
Expert in human development, Erik Erickson (1902-1994), taught
about the development of healthy persons. (10) His research has been long-held as a
standard.
He speaks to the developmental stages of a child:
Trust vs. Mistrust 0 - 1½ years old
Autonomy vs. Shame 1½ - 3 years old
Initiative vs. Guilt 3 - 5 years old
Industry vs. Inferiority 5 - 12 years
old
Identity vs. Role Confusion 12 - 18 years
old
Yet, starting at six weeks old, as soon as maternity leave is
over, 61% of American children spend most of their waking hours in
"non-parental" care-- 33% of those in "non-relative
care". That equates to 12.5 million children in daycares or
being cared for by a non-parent, and this is during the season of a child's
life when they are developing trust, autonomy, and initiative. (11)
Preschool outside the home is the norm for American children. 40%
of four year olds are in government-funded preschools. Add the millions
of preschoolers that attend non-publically funded schools and the number rises. (12)
People argue that it is inequity and
injustice that the number is not 100% of children being educated in preschools
outside of their mothers care. They are asking "Why does America
invest so little in their children?" (13)
This is flawed on several levels.
First, it assumes that academic development is the highest societal priority
for children ages three to five years old. After studying Erik Erickson,
I would argue that it is, instead, emotional development that is of top
importance during those years. And second, mandatory preschool assumes
that a mother can not do what educators and babysitters can.
I learned about Erickson’s ideas as a single, young-adult, college
student. I was so impressed at how very important a child’s very first days and
months and years were in becoming a healthy adult. I remember thinking, “A mother gets but one
chance at influencing this. You can not get those important years back. ”
Further, the most well-known and influential theory of cognitive
development was set forth by Jean Piaget (1896-1980). (14) He taught that there are four cognitive stages
of childhood development, he identified them as:
Sensorimotor (birth through about 2 years)- Children
learn about the world through their senses and the manipulation of objects.
Preoperational (ages 2 through 7)- Children develop
memory and imagination. They are also able to understand things symbolically,
and to understand the ideas of past and future.
Concrete Operational (ages 7 through 11)- During this stage,
children become more aware of external events, as well as feelings other than
their own. They become less egocentric, and begin to understand that not
everyone shares their thoughts, beliefs, or feelings.
Formal Operations (ages 11 and older)- During this stage,
children are able to use logic to solve problems, view the world around them,
and plan for the future.
Jean Piaget taught that school age children are trying to figure
out their own feelings and others' feelings and beliefs. They are
learning to look beyond themselves and understand others. They are
working on the skills of becoming empathetic and compassionate. They are
thinking about their own place in the world and where they belong in relation
to others. They are working on the cognitive skills to problem solve and
plan for their future. And yet, 15.1 million children, five to fourteen years
old, spend after school hours alone-- including a full third of American middle
schoolers. And another 6.5 million (a 2004 number and it was on the
rise), are in non-parental, after-school care. (15)
The thought that a child can raise himself or that public schools
and government are best equipt to raise a child, is irresponsible. This
is a whole new progressive take on the old African proverb, "It Takes a
Village to Raise a Child". I believe that that phrase originally
suggested that children need intentional and present parents, but also benefit
from many loving and caring helper-people. But in all of the talk about
the power of accessory supporters, we have lost this truth—first and foremost, it
takes a mother, and a father to raise a child.
I am not critical of skilled, loving providers, nor hard-working
single parents, but the facts are there. For half a century, many of our
children have been either raised by helpers, part-time parents, or have been
alone in their development. I think that we are finding out that that model
does not work.
Children need quality and quantity time from parents. They need
someone to listen and process ideas with. They need a check and balance
system, accountability, rules and expectations. And this should be
executed by someone who loves unconditionally and will parent
individually. They need an environment where they can be honest and
vulnerable, and have someone to talk to who cares about them deeply and can
help them through struggle. They need modeling. They need a reliable schedule and
structure. They need downtime and playtime. They need space to make
mistakes where they can be urged and taught and redirected with love and
mercy. They need correction and oversight. They need mealtime and
bedtime. They need family touch-- hugs and kisses and compliments.
These opportunities do not come at predictable, scheduled moments
or when it is most convenient for a parent. Kids are funny-- they learn when
they want to learn, not when you want to teach them. (16)
Perceptions Have Shifted
Adult roles have been under attack for decades. Over the past fifty years the trend away from
traditional "Father Knows Best" and "Leave it to Beaver"
family has drifted to a society that focuses on the needs of adults, and not of
children.
Woman's liberation movements of the 1960's redefined marriage and
mothering. Robert Sheaffer wrote, “One can try to argue that the U.S.
family died of natural causes at precisely the same time feminists began
shooting at it, but after examining the depth and ferocity of the feminist
attack against women’s roles as wives and mothers, such an argument fails to
convince”. (17) He asserts that
women, themselves, injured mothering and marriage. This because feminism heavily
values personal development and personal contribution over family. It sees less value in helping husbands and
children to have order, security, and nurturing.
Along with the demise of woman's roles, there has been a
degradation of father and manhood. David Blankenhorn, the author of
"Fatherless America", observed: "Fatherless is the most harmful
demographic trend of this generation. It is the leading cause of declining
child well-being in our society. It is also the engine driving our most urgent
social problems." (18) Men have
given up and/or been forced to relinquish the protective, providing, supportive
role that they have long held.
Neal Maxwell once said, “…by reversals and renunciations of role(s),
we make a wasteland of both womanhood and manhood.” (19)
The Blueprint for Successful Families
The blueprint for improving society is The Family
Proclamation. This one page humankind-stabilizing document was delivered by
President Gordon B Hinckley, former prophet of The Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter-day Saints. (20) The document,
first publically read in 1995, was distributed far and worldwide to Heads of
State, Kings and Queens, Parliaments, and Government Officials.
It declared that each of us are children of God and have
"divine nature and destiny". That "gender is
eternal". That marriage is God's, and is between a man and woman.
That each have equally important, God-given roles that they fulfill with the
love and support of one another. A father is to provide, preside and
protect, and a mother is to nurture and minister. Both with full attention
and intention. Together, side by side, they run a home and family that is full
of faith, love, forgiveness, teaching, activities and respect. A child is to
honor and obey. The family's purpose is assist heaven in "returning"
God's children back to Him.
This document reaffirmed roles and called on adults to refocus on marriage,
home and family. I believe that it
called on parents to “come home” in their hearts and minds, in body and in soul,
and see their greatest contribution to society as the work that they do within
the family.
And while there is no guarantee that children will use their free
will and agency to immediately follow even the most beautiful of parental love,
modeling and teaching. And while a
functional family is not a guarantee that children will be free of organic dysfunction
and imperfection, I would still bank on family.
Why? Because, this I know for
sure, reclaiming a child who has diverted or been difficult, or nurturing a
child who has illness or disability is best accomplished through patient
intervention, love, compassion, urging and nurturing from a family. Where
our hand-wringing, justice-driven society fails, over time, families succeed. Intentional families win.
The Family Proclamation concludes with this warning voice: "We
warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals,
communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern
prophets." (21)
What Can We Do?
It has been said that “a very large
ship is benefited very much by a very small helm in the time of a storm”. (22)
Humankind is a “very large ship” and society
is in a raging “storm”. To produce communities filled to the brim
with functioning, loving, child-centric families is a seemingly “very small helm” and a one by one
effort. But I believe that that societal change can shift
the trajectory and
bring wonderful, sweeping changes to our nation and world.
References and Notes:
12-(https://www2.ed.gov/documents/early-learning/matter-equity-preschool-america.pdf)
16- Clayton Christensen, The Power of
Everyday Missionaries (2012) page 30.
17-("Feminism, the Noble Lie", as
quoted in https://www.thetrumpet.com/2384-how-feminism-harms-families)
18-(David Blankenhorn, Fatherless America:
Confronting Our Most Urgent Social Problem (1995), 62.)
19-Elder Maxwell Quote
20-(The Family Proclamation, September 23,
1995, lds.org)
21-(The Family Proclamation, September 23,
1995, lds.org)
22- Doctrine and Covenants 123:16
