On Mother's Day

As a little girl, I loved playing with dolls. I had chubby, pink-cheeked babies and a Baby Come Back that coo’ed and toddled. My sisters and I created paperdolls and their tabbed clothes with tracing paper and colored pencils. I loved setting up a household with the small Fisher Price people. My siblings and I used the blocks to transform the Fisher-Price Village or the Fisher-Price Hospital into large mansions full of little furniture and big families. I used to cross the street to my friend, Shari Warnick’s house, and we played with Barbies. Shari had a sports car that was great for taking Skipper or PJ to piano lessons, or for Barbie to go on dates with her husband, Ken. As a Senior in High School, my wish-list for Santa included a Cabbage Patch Doll. He obliged and I adopted Octavia Roxanna, a fat-faced, blonde-headed baby. I took her to Prom with me and Greg Weight in a dress that matched the purple one that my mom had made for me.

I have always looked forward to being a mother.

Even with all of that young practice, and with a boat-load of desire, when it came my time in actuality, I wondered about my skill. As I was packing to leave Orem Community Hospital with a brand-new baby, Ryan, I felt very insecure. And very inadequate. And very, very nervous. The bundle seemed so little, so precious….and so breakable. He had a little personality and I sensed all sorts of potential. All of a sudden, the job seemed big and important and I wondered if I knew how to raise an actual, real-life child. Under my breath, I whispered to Greg, “These nurses are willing to send this little guy home with us. How do they know we can do it?”

Now that I am in my twentieth year of being about this work full-time, I am oddly still asking this same question about myself—How does God know that I can do this? Sometimes I still feel nervous about my ability to nurture and teach these little humans that are in my care. And though I still ask the question, I know the answer better than I did on that May morning in 1993-- How can it work? Because mothering as a partnership with God. He knows that I can do it, because the perfect, omniscient, omnipotent, charitable He is my companion.

This is what I am learning:
* We do very little in this job without the support of heaven.
* Our best efforts, though they may seem feeble, can be made sufficient through the Atonement of Christ.
* This process is as much about my growth and development as it is my children’s.
* My relationship is custodial. The Parent to whom these kids really belong is fully invested in their development.
* He is there to help and inspire. He guides and comforts.
* He can make things fine when I make mistakes, am too much a softy, over react, am too serious minded, worry, pester and grump.
* He can make me fine by bringing me peace, confidence, evidences of His hand, and by helping me hone characteristics like He has.

Julie Beck was right when she said that “forming families is a faith-based work”. (Teaching the Doctrine of the Family, CES Training Fireside, Aug 2009, Julie B Beck) It requires acting and pressing forward with our eye on Christ. He knows all. He loves perfectly. He can accomplish miracles with His great power. When I fail to see Him as my partner, then mothering is a scary and hopeless and overwhelming job. I love that Elder Cook talked of he and Sister Cook’s parenting and said that over time, “our faith increased and our fears decreased” (CR Nov 2007 Live by Faith and Not by Fear, Elder Quentin L. Cook) Yes, the work of family is a “faith-based” work, and I must be founded and reliant on Christ in this effort.

If I peek at my life with a space shuttle view, I can see that the entrance of these six little boys into my life have made my loftiest dreams a reality. I am whole and most satisfied because of this lovely opportunity to mother..... and I can do it, because of Christ. This is where the paper dolls and Cabbage Patch babies of yore were leading me all along.

The Price We Paid

First you must know this about me-- I cried tonight when I read Holden an Easy Reader book about the Titanic. Others' suffering makes me so sad.

That said, I just finished this great, big, history book about the Willie and Martin Handcart Companies written by Andrew Olsen. I am still letting this all sink in. The subject is so heavy and the lessons were not immediately comfortable and clear to me. But, as I let the story percolate it brought great insight to me into suffering and God and patience and loss and and and.....

The Willie and Martin handcart companies were independent groups with similar stories. They were both filled with European converts to the Church who were aided via the Perpetual Immigration Fund in traveling to meet the Saints in the Salt Lake Valley. These people were largely poor. They were escorted by missionaries who taught them the gospel in England and other lands-- namely Brother Willie and Brother Martin, among others. Immigration was coordinated via Franklin D Richards in Liverpool, John Taylor in New York and a crew of outfitters in Iowa City, Iowa. These converts loaded onto chartered ships in England, boarded trains in New York or Boston, and then placed themselves behind handcarts in Iowa City to make the 1500 mile trip to the Salt Lake Valley.

This pattern had worked well for immigrant converts. Namely for three companies before the Willie and Martin groups, and several companies after them, too. The problem for the companies written about in this book was that they left late in the summer (Willie left Iowa City on July 15th, and the Martin company a week later. The groups were about 100 miles apart through most of the journey.), they had insufficient food supply to sustain them the entirety of the trip, communication gaps sent much needed resupply wagons full of goods back to Salt Lake without finding the companies, and the weather was uncharacteristically wicked that Fall with subzero temperatures and out of control snow.

These people were starving and frozen. They buried dead every day. They were exhausted from tugging handcarts, many filled with their sick and dying. Their husbands and fathers were compromised from night watches for beasts and intruders, followed by full-day pulls. One day after the next, the very same. For three months they watched everyone become emaciated and malnourished. They were all slowly fading and dying.

Eventually the news of these companies' existence and departure from Florence, Nebraska in August (Utah didn't even know) arrived at Church headquarters in Salt Lake. Immediately Brigham Young sent experienced and willing men and supply wagons into the blizzards to rescue these Saints. In time, they found the Willie Company and then drove on into the elements to find the Martin Company. At being discovered, the trial was not over for these people. The handcart pioneers still needed to travel many miles through daunting regions like Rocky Ridge and the Sweetwater River in order to arrive in the Salt Lake Valley. Still more died. Most of the travelers suffered for years and years from the effects of the arduous, unforgiving journey to Zion.

This story was heart-wrenching to me. One reason was that the author kept the reader personally familiar with the individuals in the companies. As I followed those families for nearly 500 pages, they became so much more real to me. Real, and thus, their story so much more tragic and sad. I have a tendency to insert myself into nonfiction and belong to what I am reading-- losing children, dying husbands, discouraged mothers, being cold, feeling hungry,etc. This habit left me feeling melancholy as I imagined myself living out the experiences of these people.

But still, the story brought with it an inspiring tale of faith and perseverance. I was, again, touched by the testimony of Francis Webster who traveled with the Martin Company. In reminiscence of the journey decades later, Francis stated boldly, "We suffered beyond anything you can imagine and many died of exposure and starvation, but...every one of us came through with the absolute knowledge that God lives for we became acquainted with him in our extremities. I have pulled my hand cart when I was so weak and weary from illness and lack of food that I could hardly put one foot ahead of the other. I have looked ahead and seen a patch of sand or a hill slope and I have said I can go only that far and there I must give up for I cannot pull the load through it. I have gone on to that sand and when I reached it the cart began pushing me. I have looked back many times to see who was pushing my cart but my eyes saw no one. I knew then that the Angels of God were there. Was I sorry that I chose to come by hand cart? No. Neither then nor any minute of my life since. The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Hand Cart Company."

See? Totally inspiring.

I am going to bullet point the things that I gleaned from and am still thinking about after having read this book. But, a word of caution-- remember that not one of these things is true independent of the other learnings. Some may seem like paradoxes, but united, they are a symphony. They all work together and are only true, not parceled, but when they are considered in full.

* God does not always fix things.
* Sometimes it is about just enduring.
* No one is exempt from trial.
* Your confidence can not be in people, it must be in God.
* You must trust the prophet.
* While God can do miracles to bless people, He doesn't always do it in the way we ask.
* People can be overzealous and over optimistic.
* We must use our common sense in some situations.
* There are blessings in following our leaders.
* Eventually a rescue will come, but sometimes it is at the very edge of our capacity.
* Most relief comes via other people.
* Most relief comes in the sharing of the burden, not in making it disappear.
* Faith can persist in great trial.
* When you see clearly your personal weakness or inability to equal a task, it can strengthen your dependence on an omnipotent God.
* In the gravest of times, there are always blessings to count.
* Sometimes we don't see the fruits of our labors.
* Just striving, persisting and doing your best is blessed by God.
* Your physical health doesn't have to influence your spiritual health.
* We almost always learn the greatest lessons looking back on the events.
* You can feel more amicable to the trial and see the great value on the other side of it.
* Work must accompany prayer.
* Faith is moving forward, trusting what you can not see, but knowing God is at the helm of your life.
* Most often, we are strengthened to bear the trial instead of the trial being taken.
* In the midst of the trial it may seem that God has deserted you. This is NEVER the case.

Some of these above lessons bring wonderful comfort in trial, but some bring a pragmatic, hard-to bear look at suffering. I learned that I need to be comfortable with both. Thank you, Brother Olsen, for your scholarship. I learned so much. Not all of it comfortable, but every morsel true and helpful.

A note from Andrew Olsen:
Valerie, Thanks for writing and sending this. Your review is very kind, and you've outlined the lessons we can learn from the handcart experience in a very powerful way. I've already referred a couple of handcart friends to your blog because I think it's so well done. I'm glad the book and the experiences of these pioneers have been a blessing in your life. Thanks again for your thoughtfulness. Sincerely, Andrew

This Time it was the Windows

Each time I visit Nauvoo something new strikes me profoundly. This time I fell in love with those star windows that completely surround the upper level of the Nauvoo Temple. I bought myself a six inch, stained glass replica at the Mercantile and I am happy to have it hanging from my pot rack in the kitchen. They tell me that the inverted star was a symbol of Christ from the 3rd century AD and that the pioneers used it in their architecture so that all who came upon the temple would know that it was a house of worship built to Jesus Christ. I admired their beauty for days.

While the boys waited for Ziggie's pizza on Friday night, I walked across the street to the Allyn House. This is the souvenir shop where the above display of the temple windows rests. I did not realize it until that moment, but the owner of the shop is Charles Allen, who made ALL of the windows and the front doors for the rebuilt Nauvoo Temple. Because it was already "all about the windows" for me during this visit, I purchased his book, "The Window Maker", and read it completely over the next couple of days.

I was fascinated by the detail Brother Allen shared into what it took to make these windows with 19th Century techniques. It was so inspiring to read his journal entries that described "sash" and "jamb", white pine with low humidity, 2.35 miles long of 3/8" putty applied by hand, and true Dutch paint and it's unique properties. I also loved reading about the constant flow of revelation that Mr Allen described as he worked at solving problems and securing every detail and supply. The book was such a testament to the Lord's hand in our lives.

Also included in the text of the book, Brother Allen shared his feelings about the project. While filled with gratitude for the importance of what he had been asked to do, Brother Allen still struggled with feelings of inadequacy. He felt heavily dependent on prayer to show him what to do in a work that he sensed was bigger than he was. He knew that the commission to build the windows was from God, but still struggled with the day to day challenges of the job. He received answers to complicating factors and things that were befuddling in the night, at dawn, while driving, through other people. He worked long and hard, woke in the middle of the night worried, and needed frequent reassurance. 

Laying on my Nauvoo hotel room bed with a view of the magnificent Temple out the window, I wondered a little what Brother Allen was so worried about. For heaven's sake, his product was heart-stoppingly beautiful. The windows were stunning and perfect. He was perfect for the job. It was obvious to me that God had used Brother Allen's unique gifts to work a miracle.

Midway through the book, I realized that Charles Allen and his window-making mission was becoming a "type" to me. Yes, this window maker was starting to tell my story. On page 99, I wrote in the margins, "I am so moved by this obscure application to MY mission-- God-given. The night-wakes with insights, feeling the need for specific direction, the uneasiness, the need for reassurance, the feelings of inadequacy. I see in Charles Allen's miracle, mine. The miracle is the silent hand of the Lord."

While my mission is not window making, I am equally committed to mothering. I want to do a good job. I want to do it in a way that pleases the Lord. I want to build a beautiful temple. Like Brother Allen's story, it is sometimes hard to tell, in the middle of construction, what the product will be. I feel discouraged and unfit. It's hard to measure success or progress. I struggle for answers. I wonder if I am really building anything at all.

But sitting in my hotel room with that gorgeous edifice shining through the window, I understood some things. Despite the uncomfortable journey full of doubts and discouragement, Charles Allen's mission was completed in the beautiful Nauvoo Temple. I wished that Brother Allen had been able to see the profound loveliness of his mission while he was struggling so he didn't need to stress so much during construction.

And right then and there, I knew the partial answer why. Because there I was, some years later, staring at his finished product in awe. Knowing some of his struggle but, here I was looking at the product of his efforts and it was glorious. Maybe, just maybe, my temple would be lovely, too. That idea filled me with faith and hope.

And further, I can't even express how grateful I am for this inspired application. I am amazed and grateful by how the Lord speaks to us. Why did I feel so drawn to the windows this time in Nauvoo? Why would I have left the family to walk to the Allyn House? Why, when inside, would I have had the good fortune of meeting Brother Allen's wife? Why would I have found my way to the corner of the store where his books lay? Why would I have paid the exorbitant price for the book? How is it that Lord can take someone else's story and make it yours? The answer to all of these questions is because I needed this message. "You're at ground level and it is hard to see progress, but YOU are building a temple and it will be glorious."

I bought myself a six inch, stained glass replica of the star windows at the Mercantile and I am happy to have it hanging from my pot rack in the kitchen to remind me of this dear message.

(I sent this post to Brother Allen. Here was his response.) Dear Valerie, Thank you for sharing your feelings after purchasing and reading Window Maker after a visit to our store. I am always humbled and overwhelmed by what people get out of my experiences as written in Window Maker. I am glad the book was of help to you and hearing your testimony makes writing the book so worthwhile. Sincerely, Charles W. Allen)

Heavenly Father's Parenting

I have been pondering my parenting expectations. ha.

In doing so, I have decided that what I really want of my boys is "finished". Yep, I want my kids to live immaculately (squeaky clean, as if straight from a bubbly tub), and with laser precision (focused and exacting as a sharpshooter). And do it today, please. Doesn't that sound splendid?

Despite all the good that they do (just look at those six cute faces), I want more. I want perfect. You see, here's a taste-- I wish that they would thank me for the opportunity to say the family prayer and beg to teach Family Home Evening lessons. That they would jump up for Seminary at 5am with little hearts beating in anticipation of scripture study before school. That they always listened to my warnings and remember my very wise counsel. That they would would look forward to every single opportunity to enter in the Church building, and then would come home from each activity with big smiles on their faces. That they would open put their arms right around all of boys in their quorums, and develop talents and abilities to be servants and a unifiers. That they would love Scouting and want to be Eagles quickly, maybe by thirteen. That they would be jumping out of their socks over the new Duty to God program and work on it independently.

And with that laundry list of expectations, there is no doubt as to why sometimes I feel discouraged-- which, you know, can become an issue in one's job satisfaction.

One day recently I had the thought that I ought to take a peek into the way that Heavenly Father parents His children and figure out what His expectations are for us in our mortal journey. (Why this hadn't occured to me before makes me look rather silly, but it hadn't and I am bravely admitting it here.) So I put on my safari hat and went on an expedition....

Because we know some of what occurred in the courts of heaven, we know that we loved Heavenly Father's plan complete with agency and Atonement. In fact, it brought us so much happiness that we shouted for joy. (Job 38:7) And, with our own will and because of our testimonies of Christ (Rev 12:11), we flat out rejected Lucifer's opposing idea of coercion and compulsion.

Concerning the War in Heaven-- "The war broke out because one-third of the spirits refused to accept the appointment of Jesus Christ as the Savior. Such a refusal was a rebellion against the Father’s plan of redemption. It was evident that if given agency, some persons would fall short of complete salvation; Lucifer and his followers wanted salvation to come automatically to all who passed through mortality, without regard to individual preference, agency, or voluntary dedication. Isa. 14: 12-20, Luke 10: 18, Rev. 12: 4-13, Moses 4: 1-4)." (Bible Dictionary, "War in Heaven")

So, what is wrong with this premortal rejoicer? Now that I am here on earth working The Plan, I don't always feel like shouting for joy about agency. Why is it that sometimes I am fighting the instinct to act out Satan's plan? Doesn't it sound so nice to set a course for your kids and then coddle and coo and lead and direct and coerce and drag and pull and tackle and yank them right across the finish line? OK, maybe not so much.

This reminds me of President Kimball's candor, "The Lord is omnipotent, with all power to control our lives, save us pain, prevent all accidents, drive all planes and cars, feed us, protect us, save us from labor, effort, sickness, even from death, if he will. But he will not. We should be able to understand this, because we can realize how unwise it would be for us to shield our children from all effort, from disappointments, temptations, sorrows, and suffering. The basic gospel law is free agency and eternal development. To force us to be careful or righteous would be to nullify that fundamental law and make growth impossible.

And also this: "Being human, we would expel from our lives physical pain and mental anguish and assure ourselves of continual ease and comfort, but if we were to close the doors upon sorrow and distress, we might be excluding our greatest friends and benefactors." (Death: Tragedy or Destiny, Spencer W Kimball,)

Yes, I would do that for my kids-- control, save, prevent, drive, feed, shield. Yes, that is me. There, my friends, is another one of those staggeringly plentiful, like a gazillion, data points proving, yet again, that I am ever so very much human. But I think that President Kimball gets a little too personal when he calls me "unwise" and "the one who nullifies".

Drat!

And that insight into myself puts me right back into my safari hat. I have just got to understand Heavenly Father's parenting ASAP. It is so important that I figure out the art of "lead and guide while respecting agency and development" and dispose of "make and force".

So, here we go:
Heavenly Father expects that our development will be gradual--
"...line upon line and precept upon receipt..." (Isaiah 28:10)
"...grace for grace..." (D&C 93:12)
"...here a little, there a little..." (Isaiah 28:10)
"...Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and favor with God and man."(Luke 2:52)

Heavenly Father provided His children a Savior to make repentance possible because He knew that we would make mistakes and fall short--
In the great council in heaven, God, presented as part of The Plan, a Savior. In His omniscience, He knew that it would be impossible to navigate life without mistake. He knew that we needed a ransom and an advocate. Christ paid the price for our sins in the Garden of Gethsemane so through repentance we can be clean.

"…because of the Atonement, (we) could learn from (our) experience without being condemned by it.” ("The Atonement: All for All”, Elder Bruce C. Hafen, CR April 2004)

"...I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent...which suffered caused myself, even God, ...to tremble because of pain and to bleed at every pore, and suffer both body and spirit... nevertheless, glory be to the Father, I partook and finished my preparations unto the children of men." (D&C 19:16)
"...For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God." (Romans 3:23)
"...though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow..." (Isaiah 1:18)

Heavenly Father is a perfect judge and disciplinarian. He executes the very most mercy possible, and requires the very least justice possible--
“I feel that [the Savior] will give that punishment which is the very least that our transgression will justify. I believe that he will bring into his justice all of the infinite love and blessing and mercy and kindness and understanding which he has. And on the other hand, I believe that when it comes to making the rewards for our good conduct, he will give us the maximum that it is possible to give, having in mind the offense which we have committed.” (J Rueben Clark)

Heavenly Father protects agency and "will never force the human mind"--
"...Satan rebelled against Me and sought to destroy the agency of man for which, I the Lord, had given him....(therefore) I caused that he should be cast down." (Moses 4:3)
"...I gave unto man their knowledge, and... I gave unto man their agency..." (Moses 7:32)
"...men are free according to the flesh...they are free to choose..." (2 Nephi 2:27)
"...you are free, you are permitted to act for yourself..." (Helaman 14:30)
"...you are made free..." (D&C 88:86)

Heavenly Father values opposition in all things--
"...For it must needs be that there is an opposition in all things." (2 Nephi 10:11)
"...man could not act for himself save it should be that he was enticed by one or the other." (2 Nephi 2:16)
(Heavenly Father talking about Adam) "...the man has become as one of us to know good from evil..." (Moses 4:28)

Heavenly Father gives His children opportunities to prove themselves--
"...I will prove you in all things, whether you will abide in my covenant" (D&C 98:14)
"...we will prove them herewith to see if they will do all things which we commanded them." (Abraham 3:25)
"...this life became a probationary state, a time to prepare to meet God..." (Alma 12:24)

Heavenly Father keeps our potential in mind--
"...Remember, the worth of souls is great in the sight of God." (D&C 18:10)
"...Ye are gods, and children of the most high." (Psalms 82:6)
"...I will make a man more precious than fine gold." (Isaiah 13:12)
"...What is man? ...Thou hast made him a little lower than the angels." (Psalms 8:4-5)
"...The Spirit itself beareth witness (that) we are the children of God."(Romans 8:16)
"...among these (intelligences/spirits) were many of the great and noble ones..." (Abraham 3:22)

Heavenly Father loves His children--
"...I am encircled eternally in the arms of His love..." (1 Nephi 1:15)
"...God so loved the world that He gave His Only Begotten Son..." (John 3:16)
"...The God of Heaven looked down upon the residue of the people, and He wept (beacuse of their iniquity)." (Moses 7:28)

Heavenly Father knows that, through Christ, ALL experience can turn for our good--
"...all these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good..." (D&C 122:7)
"...All things work together for good, to them that love God." (Romans 8:28)

Teaching Parenting to my Boys

This moment that is pictured made me so happy. Pictured is McKay applying the parenting skill "redirection" after the Family Home Evening lesson that I cooked up for the boys on Monday night. This lesson has been brewing around in my head for several months.  You see, since my boys insist on helping to parent Holden (whether I like it or not), I felt like I needed to teach them some skills so that we were all on the same page in our efforts.

I needed to explain to them that I had a collection of techniques that I have worked at using since I started parenting 17 years back, and that I would like their help to continue these practices with Holden, too. They are techniques used "on purpose" based on my mother's example, a study of child development books, (yes) psychiatric nursing courses, and just plain old good practices in interpersonal relations.

"This is how you were/are being raised and I would like Holden to have the same experience."

Number One: Resist Insisting on Exactness
Successful Trait Developed= deep thinking, confidence in ideas, willingness to share
Failure Produces= lack of confidence in his/her thinking, lack of communication

Children come with such a itty, bitty world, and from birth they are always busy in their minds building a frame of reference. As they learn line upon line, they assimilate all that information and then learn how to relate new things to the things that they know. Children need to be allowed to start where they are cognitively and then build from there. This is done by repeating what they say and then helping them see the relationship to something bigger-- in other words, approve of what they say and then try to teach "up". For example: a child says, "bird", I say, "Yes, bird. It's a hawk bird." Or the child says, "truck", I say, "Yes, that is a truck-- a dump truck." Or hey, one just happened right now, "This feels like sticky glue", and I replied, "Yes. It does feel sticky. It's called 'rubber cement' and it is a very sticky glue. Good boy." I imagine that if a child was constantly corrected, "No, it's not sticky glue, it is rubber cement", then they would lose confidence in their thinking and stop communicating ideas.

If the child makes a connection that you don't understand, resist immediate correction, instead try to figure out why the child thinks that there is a connection. Sometimes that minute of thinking, or asking more questions, reveals a real profundity of thought and idea. (This technique works well with random comments in Junior Primary, too.)

Examples (bad): When McKay was just a gooing, kicking baby, I found four year old Ryan and two year old Jaron inside his crib with him. They were showing him toys and teaching him words. Jaron said, "McKay, say 'fish'", and Ryan would reply, "No, McKay say 'stingray'". Jaron would say, 'McKay, say 'dinosaur'", and Ryan would correct, "No, McKay, say 'stegosaurus'." Ryan was insisting on exactness. Or, sometimes I hear conversations like this: Holden- "I want some lunch." Brother- "No, Holden, it is dinner."

Number Two: Redirection
Successful Trait Development= feeling empowered to act for self
Failure Produces= feeling frustration and powerlessness

It takes lots of time, creativity and energy, but usually kids can be distracted from something they are feeling passionate about, by redirecting them to another activity. It feels like working God's plan of 'urge and inspire', instead of the adversary's plan of 'make and force'. This gives a child the opportunity to choose and act instead of feeling like their liberties have been taken and that they are to be acted upon.

Example: Sunday the boys were playing a game of Monopoly and Holden was driving them crazy counting the money, flying his airplane game piece, wanting to play with others' pieces, moving around the board, and generally not following all the rules. They tried coercion with bad results. I asked him to help me make Peach Cobbler and he gladly bounced away to help me in the kitchen. Then, because the big kid game was still going, we got out Chutes and Ladders and we did a puzzle. Peace and happiness.

Number Three: Have an Instinct to Say "Yes"
Successful Trait Development: curiosity, smart, imaginative, learning experientially (my spell checker hates that word)
Failure Produces: stunted thinking, lack of imagination, a hesitation to think for one's self, sedate

I have such tremendous respect for my kids ability to choose and to direct themselves in interesting, growing ways. I know that I don't have all the answers for them and I know that they are a different thinking person than I am. This makes sense when we remember that they came to me after millennia of growth and development as a spirit child of God. I try very hard not to impose my own preferences on their wills. If they approach me with an idea (that isn't dangerous or immoral), and I want to say "no", I stop myself and think, "Is there a way that this could work out"? As I evaluate, I usually find that I am hesitant to their request because of my personal preferences, inconvenience to me, or it requires a personal sacrifice on my part. I don't feel like those reasons are usually good reasons and I find that most of the time I can say "yes" with some adaptation so that both of us are satisfied. When child hears "No, no, no", he stops thinking for himself and waits passively to be directed.

Example: Holden likes to make himself fried eggs and you can imagine that this is not always a clean project, nor is it usually conveniently timed. I groan in my mind when he produces a pan and the egg carton, but I stop myself and think, "Have I fed him in a while?", "Could he be legitimately hungry?", "Do I have the time to stop for a second to supervise?" When the answer is "yes", then I help him with him by handling the stove and standing by with a wet wash cloth to catch wandering yolk. He is happy and I am satisfied that he has grown.

Number Four: Positive Reinforcement
Successful Trait Developed= confidence, understanding of talents and positive traits
Failure Produces= low self-esteem

I have heard that every piece of negative feedback you give needs to be housed by two positive comments-- like the stuffing in an Oreo. This is easy to do when you are looking for the good that the child produces and never withhold praise. I hear myself saying these phrases, "You are so good at that", "I am so proud of you", "You have a lot of good ideas", "You do that so well", "That was great control", "Good job, recovering so fast", "That looks beautiful", "I appreciate that you..."

Number Five: Validation
Successful Trait Development= feeling understood, adjusted, trusts others with his/her feelings, willing to express him/herself
Failure Produces= frustration, feeling alone and misunderstood

When I was a nursing student we learned that while dealing with types of psych patients we needed to use validation. Example: 'I am scared of those little green men in the corner." The right response is to validate what is true (before correcting, if you must), so that the patient feels understood. Example: "You are feeling frighted?", without emphasizing what is untrue or irrational, then correction or teaching if necessary.

I think that kids need this same respect-- we all need to feel understood. "That must be so hard", "That made you so mad, didn't it", "I'm sorry that it feels overwhelming", "I can tell that you are frustrated", "How incredibly disappointing!" It is good practice to match the tone or intensity of the person that you are trying to validate. When the person feels understood, then you can see the fear, anger, sadness, frustration melt away in their eyes and body language. I have found that there is a softness and willingness to be taught after a child feels understood. They will often let you flip their thinking , and they recover so much more quickly.

Number Six: Love and Mercy
Successful Trait Development: Ability to love, be merciful with and serve others

It is important to remember that Christ's Atonement covers completely the mistakes and errors of children before the age of accountability. "...repentance and baptism unto those who are accountable and capable of committing sin..." (Moroni 8:10) "...little children are alive in Christ...For the power of redemption cometh on all them..." (Moroni 8:22) If the Savior of the world gave little children eight years of mercy and love where they could learn to understand right vs wrong and truth vs error, it is important that we extend the same kindness.

Showing love is done by affection, soft talk, motherease (that nurturing, high-pitched voice that we use with infants), the absence of harshness and anger, and in committed nurturing.


As I was teaching the kids these principles it became more and more clear to me that these principles apply to all of our interactions-- child to adult. I realized that I feel closest to people who validate my feelings and give me positive reinforcement or praise, and those who want to help me, listen to me and try to understand without immediate correction, and who with love redirect my unproductive thinking into productivity.

After our Monday night lesson, I posted these six parenting rules in the kitchen. With these new words in the kids' vocabulary, I have been trying to point out the technique that is appropriate to the situation, and, gratefully, the kids have been trying to implement them. I am hopeful that we are now on the same page.

The Secrets of Your Parent's Minds

My poor boys. I gave them another installment of The Mother's frog-in-the-throat Lecture Series this weekend.

This one was provoked by the fact that Facebook is not always a good thing for me. I saw a status update recently that hurled me into reflection. (While it was this one that "hurled" me, I have seen plenty with the same poisonous tone.) It makes me so sad and heavy laden when teenagers bash their parents so angrily and publicly. Why so sad? Because I know those parents, and I know that they are great ones. Also, on some level, those mothers are me, and it breaks my heart vicariously.

In my mind, I am creating a speech that I will shout from some mountaintop. OK, maybe just a youth fireside. OK, that won't happen either. So, I will just toss it out here into blogging deep space nine-- This speech is my attempt to give kids the off-the-record lowdown on parents.

I imagine wearing a trench coat and dark glasses, and carrying a brief case. Inside of that case would be, shhhhhh, "The Secrets of Your Parents' Minds". da-da-da. Then comes the big "reveal" and I would present, in hushed tones, these four earth-shattering revelations. Feel free to gasp and cover your mouth with shock that the confidential "cat" is out of the bag.

Secret Number One- Parents WANT to give a teenager (eventually) ALL of the responsibility for their own lives.(gasp)

The myth and the truth-- "You may think that parents are the great restrainers, but they want to be your liberator."

The ultimate goal of a parent is to take a totally dependent infant and make that child into a competent adult. The way that that is done is that as the child proves mature and capable, parents start giving responsibility for self back to that child-- piece by piece and line upon line until the child becomes a complete steward of themselves. If a teen will prove trustworthy and qualified, a parent gladly relinquishes control to the developing child. A parent is constantly evaluating capability-- they withhold at defiance and rebellion, they release when a child demonstrates maturity.

Supportive Quote: "The art of parenting is the skill to gradually transfer responsibility for life from a parent to a child based on maturity and ability." ("The Art of Raising Teenagers-- and Other Miracles, John L Lund, Family Expo, April 3, 2000)

Secret Number Two: Parents don't like to have to discipline a teenager.(gasp)

The myth and the truth-- "You may think that a parent likes punishing and restricting, but the truth is that they would rather trust, cherish and share happy times with you."Parents want to be friends with their teenagers, but resistance or rebelling mandates that moms and dads roll back into a disciplinary role. Teens don't seem to understand that their bad behavior yields uncomfortable and unwanted consequences. The parents take the guff, but it is the child that earned the consequence. Discipline changes the relationship a bit and may feel like it creates a ruler parent and a subordinate child. But, taking back responsibility for a child's well-being is something that a good parent HAS to do when there is evidence that the child is not ready for independence in that area. That said, it brings a parent NO joy to withhold. Grounding, punishing and taking privileges is not something that brings parents happiness, it is something that makes them stew and makes them sad.

Supportive Quote: "Correcting misbehavior can be one of the most challenging parts of this responsibility. At times, children may chafe, complain, or resist the limits placed upon them. Parents can hold firm with the understanding that teaching values is a lengthy process and that reasonable standards and expectations ultimately help children and teens feel secure and become more successful." ("Love, Limits and Latitude", Craig H. Hart, Lloyd D. Newell, and Julie H. Haupt, Ensign August 2008)

Secret Number Three: Parents already know that they are not perfect.(gasp)

The myth and the truth-- "You may believe that parents think they know it all and love the power they have over you, but the truth is that parents feel stretched and humble in their calling."

There is nothing in this world that feels more important to a parent than raising a child, and because of the gravity of the call, parents feel very humble. Helping a teen grow and develop is top of mind all the time. Parents pray and plead for guidance. They apologize and agonize. They fret and stew. They ask for help from heaven, remembering that this teen is a beloved child of Heavenly Parents and a little child on loan. They have days of feeling insufficient and stretched and they want, more than anything else, to be the kind of parent that the teen needs and that God expects. And while it may be true that a parent has never been a parent before, they have successfully navigated being a teenager. They may know more of your situation than the teen gives them credit for knowing.

Supportive Quote: "Be patient with your parents. They love you so deeply. They are emotionally involved with you, and they may become too vigorous as they set their guidelines for you to follow. But be patient. Remember, they are involved in a big do-it-yourself child-raising project, and this is their first time through. They have never raised a child just like you before. Give them the right to misunderstand and to make a mistake or two. They have accorded you that right. Recognize their authority. Be grateful for their discipline. Such discipline may set you on the path to greatness.” (Improvement Era, Boyd K Packer, June 1965, p. 518)

Secret Number Four: Parents want to ENJOY their teens.(gasp)The myth and the truth-- "You think that your parents want to make you miserable, but the truth is that they want you to be happy."

There is nothing more precious to a mother or father than their own children. Fathers use their energies providing and protecting, and mothers consecrate their energies to nurture and development. Their lives revolve around the family that they have created. They love bigger and more fully than a teen will ever understand until he or she is a mother or father themselves. Parents live selflessly and their lives are deep in the busy of things that benefit of the family. Sometimes teens think that they are entitled to the gifts that parents give freely. That is mistaken. The truth is that teens are daily recipients of love, compassion and selflessness from parents. And if the teen looks with understanding eyes, he/she will see that a parent's love is a reflection of God's love.

Supportive Quotes: "As your father, he is entitled to inspiration on your behalf. His advice to you will be the heartfelt expressions of someone who knows and loves you. Your dad wants more than anything for you to be happy and successful, so why would you not want to trust someone like that? Boys, trust your dad." (Father and Sons, Elder Ballard, GC Oct 2009)

"Young women, your mothers adore you. They see in you the promise of future generations. Everything you accomplish, every challenge you overcome brings them pure joy. And likewise your worries and heartaches are their worries and heartaches...No other person on earth loves you in the same way or is willing to sacrifice as much to encourage you and help you find happiness—in this life and forever. Love your mother, my young sisters. Respect her. Listen to her. Trust her. She has your best interests at heart. She cares about your eternal safety and happiness. So be kind to her." (Mothers and Daughters, Elder Ballard, GC May 2010)

And when this all had been said, I would close my briefcase declaring, "Now you know it all!"  And then, I would plead with them to use this new knowledge to help them honor to their parents. I would promise them that when they try, they will immediately feel their parents' hands and hearts right there close. I would finish by bearing my testimony of God's Plan that is centered in families. I would tell them that He is a partner to them in their journey, and to their parents' great work, too. And that the end all is the safe return of all of us, through the Atonement of Christ, back into His presence.

Mothers Build Homes

Holden and I have a favorite picture book. It is called, "Gingerbread Baby" by Jan Brett. It follows the traditional story as the gingerbread baby jumps out of the oven with a mind of his own, and runs cleverly away from all who would chase. But here is where it diverts-- While the townsfolk and animals run to catch the gingerbread baby, the little boy who made the cookie stays calmly home. In the sidebars of the chasing pages, the boy is baking, constructing and decorating a beautiful gingerbread house. He has a knowing look on his face as he places the house in the middle of the woods. And just like the little boy predicted, the hunted gingerbread baby runs right into the home to stay-- safe, protected, and so, so happy.

This little boy knew that home has extraordinary draw and pull. He knew that even when gingerbread babies may run, a home lures them in. Home is where they know they will be loved. Home is where their needs are cared for. Home is safe from the storm. Home is a place of acceptance and kindness. Home is where they are nurtured. And who has created this place of refuge? Who is the nurturer? Mother.

I read a sweet story the other day that was attributed to Mother Teresa:

"Mother Teresa (told) the story of a boy whom the sister found on the streets of Calcutta. He was living with his mother in a box. The sister took the boy back to the orphanage, bathed him , fed him, and gave him a clean bed to sleep in. The next day he disappeared. They found him in the box with his mother. Once again they took him back to the orphanage and once again he ran away. Mother Teresa said she learned a very important lesson that day-- a mother, even a mother in a box, was of the (most importance to a child)." (As quoted by Colleen Downs in "It Takes a Mother ti Raise a Village", page 5, Lightwave Publications 2001)

These stories touch me. They remind that all of those desires and feelings tucked deep in a woman's soul, and all of the day to day doing that mothers engage in, produce for children something intangible, but marvelous-- a home. Mothers with big, bulging hearts and righteous desires, even mothers in a box, create a home where a family wants to be-- a place of love, compassion and protection.

Polar Thinking on a Park Bench

Last week in Oklahoma City, our family stopped to play at Kite Park in the exclusive Nickel Hills. The homes that surrounded the park were gorgeous-- old wealth, like the area that surrounds SMU in Dallas. We had the park to ourselves. After just a short time, an early afternoon fog came over me. Greg was playing hard, relieving me of mandatory parenting, so I took Holden's "soft blanket", found a park bench, turned my face to a nice sunbeam, and took a nap.

I woke up to bustle.

After I had shaken the sleep out of my bones and stretched the crick from my neck, I surveyed the landscape. A Shirley Temple-ish Darling was bouncing around in her pink sundress and sparkly, silver flip-flops. Her grandmother, who could have walked right out of a charity dinner or off of the social page of the newspaper, shadowed "Shirley's" footsteps. Then I noticed that minivans were arriving filled with sporty mothers and their national-average 1.2 parochial children in blue pleated skirts and pure white tops and tights. They were so incredibly cute, and reminded me of the orderly march of Madeline and her French school-mates. The sandbox was hosting several beautiful, polished ladies and their clean-faced, toe-headed boys in overalls. These moms were energy, embodied and jogged after their pre-schoolers to play along side.

All of a sudden I felt disheveled. I worked at agitating the serious case of hair lift that I had from sleeping on a Socker Bopper. I folded up my four year old's woobie that had been covering me and emerged into this upscale world trying not to look too shabby and homeless. These were impressive, confident ladies. Eventually, I had a nice conversation with a part-time lawyer and mother of almost two. As she played in the sand, I pushed Holden and Trenton on the swings:

"So how many kids do you have?"
With a no-big-deal shrug of my shoulders."Just six." Nonchalant, I thought.
"Are you serious? No way. Six?" And as soon as she had picked herself off the ground, "How many of them are boys?"
"All of them."
Slowly, with each word emphasized, "How do you do that?"
Trying to forget that I was not wearing swanky exercise clothes, and trying to pretend we had everything in common, I smiled and explained, "Just like you are doing it. One at a time."

Then, prophets and experts words, who are smarter and more inspired then me, starting falling out of my mouth as if they were my own. "I think that as you persist, you are magnified and your capability really is increased. (Thank you, Elder Packer) Also, they do grow up. When they come to you all new and fresh as babies they rely on you for everything. But they grow and develop and can do more and more for themselves, and they become so helpful. (Then Dr Lund from BYU) I have learned (on BYU-TV, thank you) that the secret of parenting is to always be aware of a child's abilities and maturity. Then your job as a mother is to gradually transfer responsibility for their living back to them until they are fully independent."

She shook her head in agreement with a look in her eye that seemed to say, "I'm still thinking about what you just said." Soon, mothering called and she was gone.

And do you know what surprising thing happened next? I sat back on my bed, I mean, the park bench, and felt a bit discouraged. And Greg sat next to me and he listened as I unraveled my head. There I was talking big and confident, like I was some kind of parenting mentor, but at that moment I felt so itty, bitty, tiny small. Those women seemed to have it all-- They enjoyed grandparents close and involved with their childrens' daily care. They had education and careers. They had nice figures, and nice clothes, and nice haircuts. The kids were happy, and adjusted, and spic-and-span cute and stylish. The ladies seemed to have energy for play and focus on their one little one. They lived in this beautiful neighborhood and I imagined they had housekeepers making immaculate homes.

All of a sudden I felt like a mother in disrepair. In this moment of unproductive thinking, I wondered if I was really doing anyone any favors by my full-time commitment to family and home. I remembered the first day-care sponsored Halloween party that Ryan and Jaron attended where they had no idea how to stand in or on a line-- they were free-willy, carefree, and clueless to this kind of order. A little embarrassed, I wondered if my "mother's preschool" wasn't all that it needed to be. There on the park bench, I had this same kind of feeling and I asked outloud, "Life for these ladies seem so great, they seem to be making positive contributions in so many places. They are cute and peppy and have so much energy for their kids, and the kids seem to be just great, too. Here I sit, so tired and worn. Frumpy and threadbare. Shabby and out of shape."

Greg offered, "No one does it all, Val."

The talk was over, but I wasn't through thinking about it. And resolution did not come for two more days. But then------

I came home. Home to my castle.

The yard looked so lovely with Spring popping out. And I remembered that I had planned and planted all of those things that were now coming alive again-- Me. I had created this thing of beauty (to quote my mother). I felt so satisfied.

The inside of our home looked so beautiful to me, and it smelled good and was tidy. And I remembered that I had cleaned in order to leave it that way. All by myself. And I felt so productive and organized.

I walked around each room and was reminded of the wonderful way that Greg provides for our family. And I remembered that this charmed life that I have is more dreamy than I ever invented and envisioned as a moonstruck teen. And I felt so grateful.

Then I put on my shoes and excused myself and I walked down four houses for a talk with my friend. And I remembered how nice it is to have time to do so. And I had a little skip in my step and felt energized.

We talked long about mothering and parenting. And I remembered how wonderful it is to be deep into this very important occupation. And I felt satisfied that I was making a contribution. And I came home and liked the kids very much.

You know, it's really funny-- In my post "Brain Health" on February 27th, 2010, I packaged up all my passion and stood on my mountain about the satisfaction that I felt as a mother and full-time homemaker. Greg read it and said I sounded "defensive". I didn't feel defensive, I was just having a grateful day of feeling fulfilled in my choices. That said, it does seem ironic to me that after that diatribe, that really did come with sincerity from my heart, I would have these feelings on the opposite end of the spectrum-- polar opposites. That disconnect leads me to the conclusion that nature must love equilibrium and bringing things into balance. It seems to me that there is a pattern with me-- When I take a brave stand, counteracting thoughts or experiences follow quickly. I'm not sure whether this antagonism is to humble me, or if it is to make sure that I REALLY believe what I am standing for. Either way it doesn't really matter. Both occur-- humility (eek) and a careful rethink.

And rethink on this one I did. And what I found was a renewed appreciation for the busy, devoted, wonderful women who play in both worlds, AND I found thanksgiving, reward, fulfillment, and happiness in my own choices.

(I also learned not to nap in ritzy parks with your face to a sunbeam. Not only do you wake up feeling funny, you also get a sunburn.)

The Lord's Finger

President Stout talked in the adult session of Stake Conference Saturday night about having faith like that of the Brother of Jared. As he retold this story from Ether 1-3, what I heard was a powerful "type" (or a story full of symbolic representation) of my experience as a parent and the exercise of faith in my efforts there. Stay with me....

The story tells of the Brother of Jared and his extended family who pleaded with the Lord to spare them of language confounding at the time of the Tower of Babel. In order to honor that request the Lord provided a way for the family to leave and go to a land of refuge-- a promised land. To do so they needed boats. God told them, "...Go to work and build..." barges. And even though these men were not shipbuilders, they "did go to work...according to the instructions of the Lord", and they built vessels to take them across the oceans.

During the process of building, the Brother of Jared became concerned about some details of the float trip and worried about perishing: "O Lord, in them there is no light...", "whither shall we steer", and "...for in them we cannot breathe..." And while God was willing to solve two of the problems, (promising that He would be their navigation system "...I will bring you...", and teaching them to make a little hole on the top and bottom that could be stopped up or unstopped for air) He left the Brother of Jared to figure out the light issue on his own.

The Brother of Jared went to the tall, tall mountain Shelem and worked very hard on a solution to the dilemma of light. He moltened sixteen small stones out of rock. Then, he worked them until they were "white and clear" like "transparent glass". After all of the hard work, he prayed: "Oh, Lord, that thou hast all power, and can do whatsoever thou wilt for the benefit of man; therefore touch these stones, O Lord, with thy finger, and prepare them that they may shine forth in darkness."

And in answer to that prayer of faith, "...behold, the Lord stretched forth His hand and touched the stones one by one with His finger." The stones were made bright with God's light.

So, while President Stout was telling the story of the Brother of Jared, I heard the story of me. Here I am with this seemingly awesome responsibility of parenting these six boys, but I am not a shipbulder. I mean, I have never been a parent before. It is all uncharted territory for me. And like the Brother of Jared, it seems to require all of my physical, emotional and spiritual energies. How do I know what to do to build this family into a barge that can cross perilous waters? The story tells me to follow the instructions of the Lord (through scripture and His prophets).

There are times (a lot) when I see the inadequacies of my work (where's the light, the navigation system and the air?) Sometimes the Lord provides me wonderful answers and revelation, but most of the time I have to hike to Mount Shelem and get to work. Hard work. And creativity and resolve and consecration of the best of what I have. All of this work is the action part of faith. We need to be doers (James), planters (Alma 32), harvesters (D&C 4), and laborers (Jacob 5). But we also must remember that after all that we can do, it is by grace that we are saved. (2 Nephi 25:23)

It is our duty to present to God our best efforts, no matter how feeble they may seem, and then believe that He can touch them with His finger and make our sweat and toil shiny and bright and sea-worthy and sacred and enough. We must work and consecrate our time and energy to the development of our children and then symbolically present them to the Savior and pray, "I have done everything in my capacity, now please touch them and make them light." Faith is our personal action and obedience coupled with trust in the omniscience and omnipotence and perfect love of the Savior of the world. He can make shiny stones from our gathered rock.

We might ask why the Lord required that the Brother of Jared work so hard at the milling and purifying of those stones in advance of Christ's touch? An amazing answer was given in that Stake Conference meeting, "God wanted the Brother of Jared to participate in the miracle." Why must we work and labor? So that we feel part of the amazing results of God's great power and generosity. He can make our widow's mite bountiful.

I am going to see the work part of my mothering differently now-- it is a consecrated offering of faith in action so that I can approach the Lord with confidence that I have done all that I can do.

I am going to pray differently now-- "Please touch my efforts with Thy mercy and grace and power, and make them into bright light. Please finish my striving and industry, and work a heavenly miracle."

(Painting by Arnold Friberg)

Focus One on One

When I jumped into bed last Wednesday night, I worked at a list to fill my Thursday full of productive things. In the midst of scribbling cleaning projects and family history plans, I had a idea jump into my mind that felt all warm and right, "Tomorrow belongs to the boys."

That idea kind of caught me off guard, and as I thought of how that might be executed, I got all nostalgic for times past.  I recalled a time when the kids were younger (and there were less of them) that I had a goal for myself and each child, each day: Read a book, have a talk and play a game. Sometimes I would plunk them up on the counter top and clip their fingernails so that I was looking them straight into the eyes and that proximity assured a conversation. We read a lot of fiction chapter books or biographies of famous people at night as they drifted to sleep. While babies napped, the bigger ones and I would lay on our tummies and do puzzles on the floor. These memories made me so grateful for the kids and the wonderful things we've shared. The memories also made me happy to think about what the next day could bring with my focus on having nice quality experiences with each child.

As fortune played, Trenton had a little fever and sore throat so stayed home from school. We needed milk, so He, Holden and I did a Walmart run. I loved having these little companions on my shopping trip and on this one I tried to listen intently to all that they had to say. We slowed down and visited the toy section and Pokemon card aisle.When we got home, I wrapped Trenton in a blanket and swaddled him like a little baby. He is still so affectionate and cozy and let me hold him and talk to him that way for a long time.

Trenton-- check.
That afternoon while the sun was shining, Holden and I went on a walk at three year old speed. He had so many cute observations and cute things to say. We saw a dog. "We don't have any dogs or sisters." We learned about buds and springtime. "That sidewalk is all broken." We stopped and were quiet so that we could hear the birds. We saw a curb drainage hole. "That's where cats live. I knowed that Uncle Rico (Johnston's cat) go'ed inside there last day." We visited the Conover's swings.
Holden-- check.

Ryan missed his ride home from school and called for me to come to high school and pick him up. On the way home in rush hour he talked all about the book he just finished to meet a nonfiction requirement in English. He read, "Under the Banner of Heaven" about the Lafferty Brothers and the FLDS way of thinking. (ugh. This would not have been my choice for him in non-fiction) He mused on why, as an agnostic/atheist, Krakauer wasn't a credible source for a study of religion. Then he expounded his conclusions from the book. "This is the most telling thing, Mom. Here. I underlined it." Then he read about the faithful, gentle, loving, providing, capable, LDS husband who, when he embraced the FLDS ways, became an abusive, lazy, harsh, murderous man. And Ryan glanced at me with a conclusive look in his eyes as if to say, "That man's change of behavior is the proof." He learned something big. And he shared it with me.

Ryan-- check.

I imposed on Jaron as he worked on his new acoustic guitar in his bedroom. I laid on Ryan's bed and listened to his chording of "Daisy" by Switchfoot. It was really, really good. Then he played me the song from his iPod, and I was impressed at his sound. Then he played his guitar with Switchfoot on his iPod and I was VERY impressed. Slides, and hand changes, and plucking all the strings, and then just a few strings. Amazing. And he is picking this up all by himself by reading guitar music. He showed me an iTouch application that tunes the guitar strings into any key and lets you pluck chords by touching the screen. So cool. I spent a happy half hour asking questions and listening to him talk about this new passion, and it was very rewarding.

Jaron-- check.

Then I went in search of Jamison and found him playing basketball with McKay in the backyard. Great. Two birds with one stone. I picked up a ball and we played P-I-G several times. That Jamison is quite a shot and required McKay and I to shoot hoops from on the top the rock wall, from the deck and from beyond three point range. Truth be told, he crushed us, but it was sure fun. McKay was such a card. Every time he chose the shot it was ten feet out, "With one hand", or "with two divided by two hands", or "with three minus two hands". Always the same.  He and I had a Globetrotter passing ritual before my shots and we smiled and laughed a lot. I taught them the granny-shot. It was so nice to stop and play.

Jamison-- check. McKay-- check.
To have this mission made it such a fun, satisfying day. The experience made me stop and wonder why I had to be reminded to focus like this? Shouldn't it be instinctual, or happen more naturally, for individual interactions with the kids to be the day's real target? Nevertheless, the lesson was learned again-- it is really so important that I work at quality one on one interactions with the kids on a daily basis.

Definition of a Successful Parent

I listened to a John L. Lund Family Expo address on BYU-TV this week. ("The Art of Raising Teenagers-- and Other Miracles, John L Lund, Family Expo, April 3, 2000) Since that time I have had several opportunities to think about and apply Dr Lund's definition of parenting:

"The art of parenting is the skill to gradually transfer responsibility for life from a parent to a child based on maturity and ability."

A little baby comes so helpless and has a total dependence on a parent for life, but as they grow and develop they can do so much for themselves. A parent's goal is to constantly be evaluating the child's maturity and ability, then line upon line turn responsibility to them for their needs. The eventual goal is to produce a young adult with all of the skills that he needs to sustain himself independently. To me, it sounds like a good parent would gradually work herself right out of a job.

It sounds simple, but Dr Lund reminded listeners that each child develops very differently. "I had eight children who required eight different parenting plans." I agree with this. What one struggles with, comes naturally for another. Talents here, are weaknesses there. To achieve the desired end-result a parent must be tenacious-- constantly evaluating and adjusting the teaching plan.

A couple of times this week I have thought, "Hmmmm. This kid wants responsibility that is beyond his ability and maturity." And I have also caught myself thinking, "Yes, I do believe he is ready to take charge of that for himself now." Dr Lund's definition of successful parenting has already been a really helpful tool for me.

One more thing that seemed clever was a slide comparing and contrasting parental values to the values of a teenager. I was surprised to see that they run in direct opposition to each other. I guess that this leaves no mystery as to why parents and teens are at odds sometimes. Dr Lund said:

Teens value Freedom, Friends, Fun, Privacy, and The Present.
Parents value Responsibility, Family, Safety, Open Communication, and The Future.

New Insight on Hope

My dad's friend from our old Taylorsville Stake, Larry Hiller, had such an insightful piece in the June Ensign. ("Hope: The Misunderstood Sister", Larry Hiller, Ensign June 2009)   Brother Hiller describes Faith, Hope and Charity as three sisters:

"Faith may be the most well known and popular, the one whose companionship is sought most often. She’s active and energetic, definitely the can-do type. Faith can move mountains, if necessary. I picture Charity as being modest and refined, beautiful and gracious. In her presence you feel genuinely loved and accepted. She’s unfailingly kind and generous, patient, empathetic, aware of every need, and responsive without being asked."

Then he says that Hope is the misunderstood sister and he works, in the article, to put a face on her elusive character. Unlike the way we use the word "hope" in our every day speech, Brother Hiller showed me that hope is anything but elusive and fickle. He used a scripture from Romans as his proof.

"We glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.” (Romans 5:3-5)

As life brings to us hard experiences, we have wonderful times where we feel the "love of God" and feel "the Holy Ghost" ministering to us. Those warm, supportive, peace-giving feelings build in us a confidence and strength. Brother Hiller explained, "I find Him sharing my yoke, making my burdens bearable, and giving me hope. I then have strength to endure. I have assurance that all will be made right, not just in life, but also for eternity. Hope is anything but wishful. It is expectation based on experience." This is the sister "Hope". As we have experience after experience with the ministration of the Holy Ghost, these assurances grow. This is "hope".

I love the imagery that Brother Hiller creates in his little sidebar poem. He speaks of a person walking a life of faith in Jesus Christ with Hope's arm "linked with mine, encouraging, steadying." Such amazing insight.

He concluded by drawing a picture for the reader of Hope's qualities

"She is serene. Her eyes have the deep, knowing look of someone well acquainted with sorrow, the luminosity of recently being wet with tears. Hope has the confidence of one who clearly sees a bright future even when the next hours seem fog shrouded. Hope is steady and strong..."

Because I am one who has found Hope to be "elusive", these insights were helpful to me. In the past, I think I have called "hope", "spiritual confidence", based on an Elder Edgley Conference talk that touched me during my young adulthood. (Richard C. Edgley, “That Thy Confidence Wax Strong,” Ensign, Nov 1994, 39) But these new insights from Brother Hiller have given me new eyes. Having a definition that I understand breathes new meaning into the scriptures and Conference talks where the word "hope" is oft used. Now, I can now insert "experiences with God and the Holy Ghost that, collectively, have the ability to steady and assure" when I read or hear the word "hope". I am anxious to re-read Elder Uchtdorf's recent Conference address with these new ideas rolling around in my head. (Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “The Infinite Power of Hope,” Liahona, Nov 2008, 21–24) I'm going to do so today.


Walking with Two Sisters
By Larry Hiller

Faith walks before me,
Holding up her lamp
As I try not to stumble in the ink-dark hours before the dawn.
Her light illuminates
One step and then another.
Beside me, Hope, arm linked with mine, encourages and steadies.
Sometimes in the tedium,
Distracted by the pain,
My mind begins to wander, then my feet. I hesitate.
Unsure, I look to Hope.
Her hand takes mine.
The touch reminds me of another hand held out to me,
One pierced and scarred
Yet oh so tender
Lifting me and blessing me when I had fallen and despaired.
Remembering,
I move ahead
Buoyed up by Hope, who sees the end with perfect clarity.

Reverent Living

During the summer of 2005, Greg’s work relocated our family from Dallas, Texas to American Fork, Utah. We purchased a home that was very happily situated just a few hundred yards from the doors of the Mount Timpanogos Temple. That temple was always before our eyes: Playing kickball with the kids on the green space—the temple. Early morning drives with Ryan to Jazz Band—the temple. Sitting at soccer games, the elementary school playground, our front steps—the temple. The proximity of our family to that House of the Lord influenced my living. It made everything about everyday life feel sacred and hallowed.

I’ve thought a lot about that since then and I have decided that “sacred” is really how living should feel. And “hallowed” is how caring for, or providing for, a family should feel. Living near that temple brought those feelings to me in a way I have not forgotten.

This observation has become a symbol to me of what I will call today “reverent living”.

Definition of Reverence
Elder Lionel Kendrick taught that, “To be reverent is not just to be quiet.” It isn’t just arm-folding and sobriety, like we commonly think. He said that “Reverence involves thinking, speaking, feeling, and acting as we would in the presence of the Lord.” (1)

“Reverent living” is faith, love, gratitude, and humility in everyday life. It is deliberately processing your surroundings and finding in them that which is godly. “Reverent living” is the ability to see the sacred, the beauty and the hand of the Lord in our lives. Then in awe, we behave accordingly.

It’s no wonder that President Marion G Romney said that reverence, or ‘reverent living”, is, “…the depth of one’s nature…” (2), “…the soul of true religion…” (3), and “…a sign of spiritual maturity, strength, and nobility.” (4)

And David O McKay confirmed that “The greatest manifestation of spirituality is reverence”. (5)

From whence it springs? From a love of God!
So, from whence does this kind of “reverent living” spring?

Our journey to “reverent living” starts when we “have paid the price to know the glory of the Father and His Son. (6) Because “…those who have the most profound reverence…are the people who know Him best. (7)

God is our Heavenly Father and we are literally his Spirit Children. His Plan of Salvation gifts to us the opportunity to become like Him. The Plan provides bodies that Christ’s Atonement makes immortal and perfect, and mortal life with experiences and growth that Christ’s Atonement can make clean. As our understanding of God, His Plan and His Son increases, so does our respect and honor for them. It brings us to a place of humility. Our mind is opened more and more to the truth that all things—life—is spiritual. (8) That is when we will “Stand all Amazed”. (9)

Elder Perry taught that “Reverence is an attitude toward Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. It is a private feeling. It is something we feel inside our hearts no matter what is going on around us. “(10) Reverence is internal. When you are developing faith and testimony, you are changing into a respectful, reverent person with decorum and dignity. (11)

Much like other character traits that we are to develop in this life, it is gradual. It is line upon line, and precept upon precept. (12) All of us started as little children, and President Romney says we were “not naturally inclined” at that time to reverence. But, we can, and we must, grow grace for grace. (13) That awe, or to revere, step by step changes our natures into reverent people.

Here is one experience that I remember from my personal line upon line journey:

When I was about 13, I attended a Girl’s Camp. One night I was lying on a big, granite rock in Big Cottonwood Canyon, looking up at the night sky. There were sparkly stars covering the entire sky. In that moment of awesomeness, I had the distinct impression that little me, tiny on that boulder was loved and cared for by the Supreme Being who had power to create universes. But instead of feeling insignificant, I was filled with warmth. Even in His grandeur, I knew that to Him, I was significant and loved.

Experiences like that one, one by one on top of another, plant in us a knowledge that just in living, we are walking and standing on holy ground. And when we know it, we will act reverently. (14)

Personal Times of Reverence- Linked to the Plan of Salvation
I do much of my recording of personally significant feelings and ideas on my little blog. And just for curiosity, I did a little search of my entries from the past few years. I searched for the word “sacred”.

I typed it in, and the entries fell down the page: Family History cemetery research, having a newborn, funerals, Nauvoo, evenings with a house full of bathed and fed preschoolers in Minnesota, the hall of prophets at the Conference Center in Salt Lake, dinner dates with Greg, scriptures by my boys beds at night, an afternoon watching my little boys play in the forest, reading the Ensign, going to the temple, covenants, our bodies, mothering, and responsibilities in the kingdom.

Most of these experiences are SO everyday….why did they feel so sacred?

Because--- they are all pinned directly to Heavenly Father and His Plan of Salvation, with Christ as our Savior. All of those things revolve around—life-giving, bodies, tests and trials, ordinances, family, mothering, sociality, and finally, death.

Ta-da. Earth Life, as part of the Plan of Salvation!

Things that Hold us Back
So, if the adversary wanted to cheat us of the companionship of the Holy Ghost and its attendant “reverent living”, and I testify that he does, then he would attempt to cheapen God, His Plan and Christ, our Savior.

Those evil objectives are the core of all the arguments from the great agnostics and antichrists of the Book of Mormon. And the work of the Korihors and Zeezroms of our day is just the same. If the adversary can strip us of the understanding of God and a belief in His plan, then people can be their own Gods. They can focus on self and the things of the world. It is a “ploy”, as McKay would say, to steal from people “a sense of the sacred”, to steal from them “Reverent Living”.

Elder Christofferson explained, “…those who do not appreciate holy things will lose them. (And) absent a feeling of reverence, they will grow increasingly casual in attitude and conduct. They will drift from the moorings that their covenants with God could provide. Their feelings of accountability to God will diminish and then be forgotten. Thereafter, they will care only about their own comfort and satisfying their uncontrolled appetites. Finally, they will come to despise sacred things, even God…” (15)

“The world in which we live in will do everything in its power to draw reverence out of us and leave us empty shells.” (16)

We must leave what seems so normal in the world—and the philosophies, and the intellectualism, the selfishness. We must reject the ideas that we see splashed on the TV screen, and in movies, and in song lyrics. “Get thee hence”! (17) Like Christ with the money changers at the temple— sheer from our lives all that offends God and runs counter to His plan for us. (18)

Those things will halt our personal ability to feel the Spirit, and thus they rob us of reverence.

Result of Reverent Living
As we grow towards this goal of “reverent living” we will see our desires change to mimic Heavenly Father’s Plan for us:

We will have a respect for life.
We will resist behaviors that would injure our bodies.
We’ll desire children, and want to raise them in families.
Fathers will want to provide, and mothers will want to nurture.
Interactions with friends and strangers will be kind because we know that they are children of God.
We’ll be submissive to challenges and trials.
We’ll doggedly hold onto the promises we made in baptismal and marriage covenants.
We’ll dignify death and wait for life eternal.
Because of what we know, President Romney said that “…Latter-day Saints should be the most reverent people in the world…” (19)

Conclusion
Many of us here today are familiar with, or even remember the delivery of, Elder Bruce R McConkie’s last Conference talk entitled, “The Purifying Power of Gethsemane.” (20) Some time ago I read the events surrounding that talk in a Biography written by his son, Joseph. I share them today because I think that it is a powerful synopsis of “reverent living”. Throughout a lifetime of spiritual scholarship and righteous living, Elder McConkie developed a relationship with God, and Christ, and The Plan. That knowledge brought to his life and to his gospel teaching a seriousness, a sobriety, a reverence, a holiness that lives on through his words today.

In April of 1985, Elder McConkie was gravely ill with terminal cancer. As April Conference approached, his strong desire was to be able to deliver a talk. One day, his wife recalled that Elder McConkie entered the kitchen while she was making pie and asked if she would like to hear his talk. “He…started to read me his talk and the tears streamed down his face, and he didn’t get more than a couple of sentences out and I thought to myself, ‘You don’t make apple pies when someone is saying these things to you.’” And so she sat down. She asked him how on earth he would be able to deliver the talk because he was ‘so touched’ that he couldn’t even read it. As the day came closer, the doctors told him that he would be too weak to speak and worried that he would pass out at the pulpit. But he was intent on delivering this last testimony and pleaded with his family to pray that he would have the strength and composure he needed.

Joseph describes the day, “As he rose to speak, his face was drawn and thin, his skin so yellow…his steps those of a man many years his senior: nevertheless, he stood tall and spoke with confidence and power.” And these are the words that he said, “I am one of His witnesses, and in the coming day I shall feel the nail marks in his hands and in his feet and shall wet his feet with my tears. But, I shall not know any better then than I know now that he is God’s Almighty Son, and that he is our Savior and Redeemer….God grant that all of us may walk in the light of God, our Father.” (21)

Brothers and Sisters, that is my desire and my hope, too—that our faith and testimonies of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ will develop and grow until we, too “walk in the light of God our, Father”. And that walk, I believe, is “reverent living”.

1- L. Lionel Kendrick, “Enhancing Our Temple Experience,” Liahona, Jul 2001
2- Marion G. Romney, “Converting Knowledge into Wisdom,” Tambuli, Oct 1983
3- Marion G. Romney, “Converting Knowledge into Wisdom,” Tambuli, Oct 1983
4- Marion G. Romney, “Reverence,” Ensign, Oct 1976
5- David O McKay, Conference Report, Oct. 1956
6- L. Tom Perry, “Our Prophets and Apostles Speak to Us: Reverence,” Liahona, Mar 2002
7-Marion G. Romney, “Converting Knowledge into Wisdom,” Tambuli, Oct 1983
8- D&C 29:34
9- LDS Hymns # 193, “I Stand All Amazed”
10- L. Tom Perry, “Our Prophets and Apostles Speak to Us: Reverence,” Liahona, Mar 2002
11- Idea from See Marion G. Romney, “Reverence,” Ensign, Oct 1976
12- 2 Nephi 28:30
13- D&C 93:12-13, and idea from D. Todd Christofferson, “A Sense of the Sacred,” Liahona, Jun 2006, 28–31
14- Gordon B Hinckley, “Reverence and Morality”
15- D. Todd Christofferson, “A Sense of the Sacred,” Liahona, Jun 2006, 28–31
16- Earl Swain, CES Director at BYU-I Devotional, 18 March 2008
17- Moses 1:16
18- John 2: 13-17
19- Marion G. Romney, “Reverence,” Ensign, Oct 1976, 2
20- Bruce R. McConkie, “The Purifying Power of Gethsemane,” Ensign, May 1985
21- The Bruce R McConkie Story, Joseph Fielding McConkie, Deseret Book, 2003

Mothering During the Swing Shift--

Today I felt VERY good about an article that was published in The Church News on February 7th, 2009. It was a synopsis of a visit that Julie Beck, the General Relief Society President, recently made to California.

"Sister Beck said that she learned how to prioritize her time as a wife and mother while observing her father-in-law, a steel worker who at various times in his career worked the day, evening or night shift. She said she realized she (as a mother and wife) was working all three shifts simultaneously, and she had to prioritize the demands on her so she could provide the service her family most needed.

'The most valuable time of the day for a family,' Sister Beck said, 'is in the afternoon/evening shift.'

'Be at the top of your game on swing shift,' she said. 'People are hungry, people are teachable. You feed them; that's when you serve them the most. Plan for swing shift, and then work the rest of your day around that."

Isn't that nicely said? I love Sister Beck for putting it all into words for me.

Because I need to mother most intently during the swing shift, and because I want to "be at the top of (my) game" during those hours, I can use the middle of the day as preparation time. Doing so allows the afternoon and evening to be quality, undistracted time when the family is together.I understand what she is saying-- for several years now I have resisted being busy during the day hours. It seemed like I needed that time to do laundry, grocery shop, exercise, clean the house, and do other housekeeping so that I was ready to focus on the kids when they started coming home from school.

One way that I do that is by having a quiet time with Holden on most afternoons. We rest on my bed-- him with is garbage truck movie and I nap for a time. It makes such a difference in my energy level. I try not to feel guilty about it because it is so refreshing, but I often have to remind myself that I have short nights and get up at 5:30 am. I think that I earn my sluggish afternoon feeling.

Also, I've noticed, through error, that it doesn't work to have a solitary project I'm in the middle of during the afternoon and evenings either. Supervising and interacting means milling around with the kids and their friends, and taxi-ing for those hours. I save jobs for that time, like putting the garbage out, cleaning the kitchen, dinner preparation or weeding in the yard, so that I am working amongst the kids' play.

Anymore, I feel like I need to make the mornings and mid days less chaotic so that I can run the race when the kids get home. This line of thinking from Sister Beck makes me feel OK about that way of "planning" my days-- we just can't be going wild all the time and still have the energy we need to use the "swing shift" effectively.

But, like everything, it is always a balancing act-- I sure don't want to be poor steward of my day hours either.